Horsemeat scandal: DNA shock for nation

IT is a scandal that has rocked the nation, but as a special investigation by The Ugly Truth reveals, Britain has only hit the tip of the horsemeat fiasco iceberg.

Until now, the outcry has focussed on traces of horse found in burgers either exported abroad or sold in our supermarkets.

But the scandal goes far deeper.

Using our parents' credit cards, we hired a team of scientists to carry out DNA tests on every object found in the UK, whether animal, vegetable, or mineral.

Here are just a few of their mind-blowing findings.

It's not just burgers
As well as being discovered in burgers and pies, horsemeat was also found in: grapes, chalk, car parks, sweaters and EVEN horses.

It's not just horses
The scientists also found traces of wasp in: dodgems, wasps, haircuts, flu, tandems and blimps; traces of sheep in: harps, shins, verrucas and MP3 players; and traces of badger in: muesli, shoes, smog and Argos.

Not even Big Ben's real

Perhaps most shocking were the results of tests conducted on some of Britain's most treasured landmarks.

They revealed that Big Ben is made up of 72% mackerel DNA and just 12% big clock.

The Angel of the North is actually mostly barn owl, while Birmingham's Bullring shopping complex was revealed to be just a strategically placed cloud.

Abattoir found under Grand National fence

RED-FACED Grand National bosses have been forced to apologise – after an abattoir was found underneath the Aintree circuit's most notorious fence, Becher's Brook.

A whistleblower told the Ugly Truth that for the last three years, any horse failing to safely clear the hurdle by more than a metre has been sucked into the subterranean slaughterhouse and converted into Morrisons own brand mince.

Horses known to have perished include: Aladdin's Kebab, Samba Ears, Ditzy Cow and Grubby Hutch. Jockeys Willie Carson and Lester Piggott also died.

An Aintree spokesman said their families would probably be offered some sort of voucher.

It is not clear who is behind the abattoir, but for the sake of getting this copy filed on time, filthy foreigners are being blamed.

'What if my Polly's a horse?'

PAULINE Hartley was checking through her freezer drawers, struggling in vain to find a quick meal for her ravenous eight-year-old twins, Polly and Lox.

As she reached for a packet of Sainsbury's basics Mystery Meat Cylinders, a chilling thought ran through her: “What if my kids are horses?”

The 48-year-old scratch-card addict told the Ugly Truth: “All these years I've been looking at my kids, and I've never stopped to think what's in em.

“I mean, they could be donkeys, cows, laptops, staplers, anything.

“You just don't know what anything's made of these days, do you?”

Luckily, a quick check on Wikipedia revealed Polly and Lox probably weren't horses.

But Pauline is encouraging other parents to be vigilant. “Get em checked out soon as their born,” she said.

“Me personally, I've bought a paddock out the back of our house. If either of my ones start using it, I'll know they're horses.”

Have I eaten horse?

IF you're concerned you may have eaten horse, this handy guide from the Food Standards Agency should help.

So what exactly is a horse?

WITH all the TV coverage and newspaper column inches on the subject in recent weeks, it is remarkable nobody has stopped to ask the most obvious question of all: what is a horse?

The Oxford English Dictionary defines it as “a sexy animal loved by girls at fee-paying schools.”

But to get confirmation, we asked experts from the worlds of science, philosophy and fashion.

Zoologist Alexander Haribo, from King's College, London, said: “There have been many studies in this area in recent years, but there is still no clear empirical evidence to define what a horse is.

“Speaking personally, I'm pretty sure it's not an otter.”

Letitia Spanks, editor of popular women's magazine, Gusset, said: “It's clear 2013 is going to be the year of the horse.

“Women are going to be eating it, wearing it, slipping it in their handbag.

“But no, I've no idea what it is either.”

Laurence Schpaff, self-help guru and author of life improvement handbook, Bless Each Tear, said: “It is when we search deep inside ourselves, that we find what we are looking for.

“Oh, and a horse is a four-legged animal you'd find in a stable.”