7 ways to survive 2016

What will your life be like in 2016? What will you eat, wear, sit on, and use to clean your oven? 

None of those questions will be answered here. Instead, we gaze into our crystal ball to look at seven things that will terrify the living jimminy out of you over the next 12 months, and explain how you can survive them. 

1. Sugar

In February, Jamie Oliver's startling documentary, What The Flying Fuck Are We Eating? will stun the nation, by revealing how much sugar is packed into our everyday shopping lists. 

Even seemingly innocuous items, like cucumbers, Meccano sets, and bleach, are found to contain more sugar per kilogram than a one kilogram bag of sugar. 

A raft of drastic measures will be introduced to reduce Britain's sugar consumption. In March, Morrisons will become the first UK retailer to turn its confectionary aisles into 'Whoopee Aisles', fitted with sensors that detect the weight of each shopper, and make a farting noise to shame obese shoppers into putting back the bottle of Dr Pepper or multi-pack of Twix bars they've just picked up. 

Sainsbury's will up the ante in April, by putting bits of broken glass into every third pack of Wine Gums, before Asda wins plaudits from health campaigners by introducing teams of snipers to ward off shoppers who veer too close to its pick'n'mix areas.  

How to stay safe: Shop at Aldi. In a two-fingers gesture to the more established supermarket giants, Aldi announces in March that it will only stock sugary items, from Chocolate Toilet Brushes to Caramel-Flavoured Clothes Airers. 

2. Cyber crime 

Cyber crime will take a disturbing new turn in May, when hackers discover how to take control of people's thumbs, allowing them to make their victims: 

• Tap along to music they don't like
• Press the space bar when       they don't want to
• Look like they're trying to hitch-hike when they're actually just trying to enjoy a bit of 'me time' next to a motorway entry slip road

How to stay safe: Wear extremely large and cumbersome gloves that make it impossible for you, or anybody else, to use your thumbs. 

3. Storm Hitler

In 2016, the Government will end its policy of giving devastating weather events cuddly names, when it realises people whose homes have disappeared under water are just as pissed off at Storm Frank as they would have been at Storm Ebola or Storm Katie Hopkins. The deadliest of the 2016 storms will be Storm Hitler, which will destroy everything except Peppa Pig's house. 

How to stay safe: Follow astronaut Tim Peake's lead and spend the next six months in space.  

4. The BBC

The BBC's television viewing figures will plunge to an all-time low in 2016 following the demise of some of its most popular shows. An unprecedented global shortage of marquees does for The Great British Bake Off, before Strictly Come Dancing crumples in bizarre circumstances. 

After Len Goodman's contractual commitments to Farmfoods force him to quit as head judge, the cash-strapped Beeb will inexplicably replace him with the woman from the SCS furniture adverts. The show is pulled after she awards Timmy Mallett's series-opening rumba a score of £399.99 and then declares that none of the dancers will have to pay a penny until the summer of 2017.

In a last, desperate bid to regain its audience share, the BBC launches Neighbours Under the Hammer, arguably its most controversial piece of programming to date. Each week, the show's producers enter a different council estate and spray-paint the words 'paedo scum lives here' onto a communal rubbish bin, before depositing a box of hammers nearby, and secretly filming the results. 

The BBC initially defends the programme as a "thought-provoking social experiment" but after the death toll reaches three figures, it concedes it should simply have put on more Top Gear repeats instead. 

How to stay safe: The hammer-proof clothing range from George at Asda, starting from £11.99.

5. Sharks 

Fed up at media scare stories that exaggerate the risk they pose to beachgoers, sharks will decide in 2016 that they may as well live up to their reputation and kill as many humans as they can.  

In June, a Bull Shark will discover how to survive on land, and will eat most of Leicester. The government will call an emergency Cobra meeting, but few of the cobras turn up because they are also afraid of sharks. The crisis will drag on throughout the year, because nobody in Whitehall has Richard Dreyfuss' number, and Roy Scheider and Robert Shaw are both dead. 

How to stay safe: Follow the guidance outlined in the nature documentary Deep Blue Sea, and carry exposed electrical wire with you at all times.

6. Zoella

In August, pranksters will spike a glass of Vimto belonging to popular fashion vlogger Zoella with mind-bending Absinthe. Temporarily befuddled, Zoella will post a video to her You Tube channel  declaring the only way girls will look pretty is if they repeatedly staple gun their faces. 18,000 girls are admitted to accident and emergency departments in the hours that follow. David Cameron makes an emergency appearance on This Morning to announce that the threat of further Zoella vlogs has been raised from 'substantial' to 'severe'. He urges people to retreat to their Anderson shelter, or stop going on You Tube, whichever seems easier. 

How to stay safe: Press Ctrl + Alt + Delete, then under Applications, find Zoella, and then click End Now. 

7. Online bullying

This will be the year that cyber bullying stops being seen as a grave challenge for society and instead becomes a national pastime. Popular TV shows like How I Trolled Your Mother, 10 Ways to Cyber-Cripple Your Kids, and Mary Berry's Great British Emojis will give Britons useful tips on how to be cruel to others digitally. 

How to stay safe: You can't. Somewhere out there, right now, somebody is digitally manipulating a photograph of you innocently stroking a kitten to make it look less innocent. Minimise the damage by convincing the world that you are in on the joke, and that you think every cruel slight on your character is rofl-worthy.

"You can't make an omelette since I cut off your hands" - great proverbs turned into Christmas t-shirts!

The wine is mulling, the chestnuts are spitting on an open hob, the reindeer are bobbing on the tree. It can mean only one thing - Christmas is around the corner! 

But if you're struggling to think of gift ideas, and if John Lewis and Aldi have both run out of telescopes, why not get your loved ones a festive Ugly Truth t-shirt, hoodie or jumper? 

We've put nine of your favourite sayings onto fabric, with uproarious results. Order now* to avoid having to order later.  

* Clothes shown may not exist. If they do exist, actual proverbs may differ from those shown above, and may be more alarming, threatening or offensive than seems necessary. Materials used may will be dangerous. All clothes shown contain nuts and were made in a factory where employees were encouraged to bathe in nuts. Clothes may not be exchanged for holidays, weapons or mortgages. Wearing these clothes will make you less popular than you were before, if and where this is possible. Clothes should not be worn on Wednesdays, Thursdays, or ever. The Ugly Truth cannot accept responsibility for anything, although it probably should. Judge's decision is final. Photos cannot be returned, although thanks for sending them in, especially that one. Full terms and conditions will be displayed on an aerial banner that is being flown past you literally as we speak. (V) = vegetarian. (GF) = packed full of gluten. 

How Flappy Bird inspired GB's Davis Cup triumph

The head of British tennis believes Andy Murray’s Davis Cup victory can inspire our nation of losers to forge ahead in life by piggybacking on the successes of others. 

Great Britain yesterday landed its first Davis Cup triumph since the Norman Conquest by beating Belgium in the final of the unpopular ball-hitting event. 

Murray was instrumental in the triumph, first teaming up with brother Jamie to defeat the Poirot twins, Hercule and Dean, in the doubles on Saturday, before clinching victory on Sunday by beating a box of Guylian chocolates in straight sets.

It was Murray's 47^th win in this year’s Davis Cup campaign. In contrast, no other British singles player has even won a point in a Davis Cup match since Josef Goebbels double-faulted against Fred Perry in Britain’s clash with Germany in 1934.

Murray is now odds-on to claim the Team of the Year prize at the BBC Sports Personality of the Year Awards.

However, despite it clearly not being a team effort, Britain’s Davis Cup captain Leon Smith praised the “team effort”, which he said had driven Britain to a first Davis Cup triumph since the Mesozoic era.

“It was a real team effort,” he said. “While Andy won the tennis matches, everybody else did their bit. 

"Dan Evans, for example, lost his matches so quickly that he was able to do lots of sightseeing, which meant he had loads of interesting anecdotes to share with the rest of the team. And while the tennis was going on, James Ward was beating his score at Flappy Bird over and over again, which really improved his morale, and I’m sure that had a knock-on effect on the rest of the group, Andy included.”

The Chief Executive of the Lawn Tennis Association, Michael Downey, offered a contrasting view – following Britain’s first Davis Cup triumph since the emergence of multi-celled organisms.

He said: “Winning the Davis Cup was a fantastic achievement, and inevitably there will now be questions as to how we build on this momentum, to inspire the next generation of Andy Murrays to get out there and play tennis.

“But I think this is missing the point. Nobody’s going to be inspired to be like Andy Murray. He’s actually quite good at tennis, which most people aren’t, and presumably has to work hard and practice regularly to be successful. That’s not going to inspire anybody. 

"On the other hand, people will be inspired by what’s happened to the likes of Dan Evans, Kyle Edmund and Dom Inglot. They can now call themselves Davis Cup champions, despite the fact they’ve won as many tennis matches this year as Leon from Gogglebox.”

8 tips for avoiding a cyber attack

From Sony to Talk Talk, these days it's hard to log in to your internet without seeing another news story about a major corporation having its digital pants pulled down by cyber criminals. 

But what would happen if you were the hackers' next target? What could they do if they got access to your computer or smart phone? 

Here, The Ugly Truth's Technology Correspondent Jeremy Metadata explains his eight-step strategy to avoiding Cybergeddon. 

1 Avoid email scams

These are where somebody sends you an email along these lines. "Dear Diego (which probably isn't even your name), I'm in Magaluf and somebody's stolen my phone and wallet. Please wire me £600 or else I'll have no money for food and tattoos. Yours, Juan (might not even be his real name)." 

While these requests are usually completely legit, they might not be and there's always a slim possibility Juan might be having you on. 

So what should you do? You could just delete the email straight away, but then you risk hurting Juan's feelings, or worse. My advice is to compromise and give him half of what he's after, in this case £300. 

If he's legit, he'll be grateful for your help, and he'll probably scrape the other £300 off another Diego. If he's a crook, you'll have the satisfaction of knowing his evil plan to fleece you of £600 has semi-failed semi-miserably.

2 Phight off phishing attacks 

The other kind of email scam is called phishing. This is where cyber crooks trick you into downloading viruses and such like onto your computer. They do this by luring you into clicking on a link that looks completely fair enough, but is actually jam packed full of cyber badness. So their email might say 'Dear Madam, you have won a free penis enlargement. Click here for a substantially bigger penis' but when you click on the link, you find your penis is barely any larger than it was before and the cyber criminals now have complete control of your computer, meaning they could beat your record on Minesweeper and you wouldn't even know it.

3 Have a strong password

Your password needs to be something that's easy for you to remember, but hard for anybody else to guess. My suggestion would be something that relates to the sound your first ever girlfriend/boyfriend made when you bought them a present they didn't really like. Something like "Eeeurrrggh!" or "Yeeeeuuuuchh!". However, you'll need plenty of alternatives as IT experts recommend you change your password three or four times a minute. Making such frequent changes can become a drag, so why not add fun and fitness to the mix by doing a press-up or a burpee in between each password change? 

4 Turn the tables on the hackers 

Statistically, there's a three in three (100%) chance your webcam will be hacked at some point (I'm staring at you right now, for instance - nice pants.) 

Hackers will be hoping to see something sexy, so my advice is to throw them off the scent by pointing your webcam at a papier mâché model of you pleasuring yourself while eating some chips. It will take a while until the hackers realise they're not watching the real thing - but imagine the looks on their faces when they do! 

If you don't fancy doing this, try pointing your webcam at something scary, like a poster of Jack Nicholson from The Shining, or the gang of masked criminals breaking in through your living room window.

5 Be breathtakingly dull 

Cyber criminals will be hunting either sensitive data, like bank details and passwords, or revealing/incriminating material, such as footage of you seductively eating chips. Don't let them have it. Let your hard-drive reflect a life not lived. Don't open a bank account, don't take pictures of you by the Eiffel Tower, surrounded by delicious-looking chips. Instead, fill your computer with nothing but bulky mpegs with boring titles like 'Auntie Edna takes several hours to blow out the candles on her 105th birthday cake cos she's got no lungs'. 

6 Get on the hackers' side

There are basically two types of cyber criminal - Russians employed by the Kremlin to destroy the cyber infrastructure of other nation-states, and 15-year-old nerds from Luton who see hacking as a welcome distraction from their spots and uncontrollable erections. 

To placate both groups at once, change your screensaver to a picture of a Russian flag being placed on the moon, and install the latest video games popular with nerds (I haven't checked what the most popular games are these days, but they're bound to include one from the Doom franchise). 

7 Beef up your security 

Build a firewall using whatever you have to hand in your garden. Kindling, rocks, mahogany and bits of old Futons can all be used to put together a decent makeshift firewall. Then you'll need to add some antivirus software - Jamie Oliver's '15-minute Antivirus Software' has some useful tips on how to make antivirus software in just 15 minutes. 

8 Plan for the worst 

Chances are none of the tips outlined above will help you in any way. Therefore you need to be ready to plan for Cybergeddon. If hackers do invade your computer or phone, they'll be able to steal your identity. And once they've done that, they'll find a way of cloning your eyes, ears, feet and genitalia. They'll then use this advantage to frame you for all kinds of crimes, from ram-raids on your local branch of Majestic, to major terrorist attacks. 

When this happens, you'll want to be long gone. If you can, build a wardrobe that can transport you into a mysterious winter wonderland dominated by a talking lion that weirdly has no interest in eating you. Failing that, try falling down a rabbit hole and asking a Cheshire cat for help. If that doesn't work, and trust me, it won't - you'll need to develop a taste for nuts and berries and head to the woods to live out the rest of your miserable life. 

Good luck!

NHS running dangerously low on 'eye of newt'

Reserves of some of the folklore-based medications the government is relying on to ease pressure on the NHS this winter have nearly been exhausted. 

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has replaced many traditional medicines and treatments – ranging from paracetamol to radiotherapy – with cheaper, myth-based alternatives. 

Patients with serious heart conditions are now offered a package of care which includes rain dances and daily doses of wing of bat. 

Lizard's leg is being given to patients displaying symptoms ranging from heavy breathing and dizziness to multiple bone fractures and rigor mortis, while eye of newt is now routinely used to treat patients with puncture wounds, locked-in syndrome or the sniffles.  

However, supplies of eye of newt and other mythological ingredients – which have been sourced from an enchanted wood just outside Coventry – are now running so low that the Department of Health is considering alternative strategies.

Mr Hunt told a press conference this morning that he had instructed all NHS Clinical Commissioning Groups to start rooting through bins.

"You never know, orange peel might be useful for something," he said.

Mr Hunt also took the opportunity to defend some of his other controversial cost-saving measures, which include: 

•  A programme of research to see whether unexpectedly shouting 'boo' at someone is as effective at curing cancer as it is at getting rid of hiccups
• Replacing ambulances with Trunkis, which, while smaller, slower, and unsuited to transporting patients or medical equipment, are significantly cheaper and require less maintenance
• Asking disorientated patients coming round from general anaesthetic if they can spare any change
• Removing the need for all mental health spending by encouraging NHS staff to sing Bobby McFerrin's 'Don't Worry Be Happy' at anybody who looks a bit down in the dumps 
• Offering junior doctors vouchers for defunct retailers, such as Our Price and Woolworths, in lieu of an actual salary
• Forcing children on the Duke of Edinburgh scheme to identify further savings of up to 30% in the total NHS budget in order to complete their Gold Award.

Mr Hunt said: "All government departments are having to identify ways of working more efficiently and saving the taxpayer money and we should be applauded for that, not criticised. 

"Nobody complained when the Department for Education ended the Free School Meals programme and taught children to photosynthesise instead.

"What we are doing within the Department of Health reflects the fact that 'we're all in it together'. 

"In fact, in terms of the NHS, the only way we could be more all in it together is if we made all hospital patients share one giant bed, which is something that is currently being costed."   

Google's billion dollar tax burden hidden in your guts

GOOGLE is avoiding paying billions of dollars in tax by filing its accounts inside people's stomachs.

The complicated procedure, which is entirely legal and utterly gross, was exposed by a whistleblower, who told The Ugly Truth: “It began about four years ago, with the I'm Feeling Lucky feature.

“Any time somebody clicked on that button, they were unwittingly signing themselves up to be a host body for Google's tax purposes.

“As one of Google's Senior Physical Account Filers, my job was to open people's mouths while they were sleeping and ram in as much paperwork as I could.

“If Google filed all its papers in the ordinary way, it would end up paying hundreds of millions of pounds in tax in the UK alone.

“But the rate of Corporation Tax in somebody's lower intestines is only around 0.02%.”

The whistleblower, who has now gone into hiding inside the Lycos search engine, which nobody has used since 1998, added: “It's all legal and there is a disclaimer at the bottom of the Google search page giving all the details.

“However, I should warn you that if you click on that, you'll be giving Google the legal right to your first born child.”

Nicki Minaj: Inside the mind of a genius

THE Silicone Shakespeare. The Trinidadian Tolstoy. The bard with the big boobs and buttocks.

None of these monikers have yet been applied to Nicki Minaj, but it can surely be only a matter of time.

For this diminutive rap sensation is beginning to earn plaudits as much for the genius of her lyrics as for the vibrancy of her music.

The Ugly Truth enlisted the help of one of Britain's best known authors and literary critics, Will Self, to dissect Minaj's words and find out what makes them so special.

'Superbass', from the album Pink Friday (2010)

"He just gotta give me that look, when he give me that look
Then the panties comin' off, off, uh.....
When he make it drip, drip kiss him on the lip, lip
That's the kind of dude I was lookin' for
And yes you'll get slapped if you're lookin' hoe"

Will Self: “What's remarkable here is Minaj's ability to take a provocative subject – casual sex – and give it the most brutally honest of treatments, with no clemency, no mercy, no dilution of substance. The listener is also left wondering about “that look” she twice refers to. There's a real mystery to this line which lingers long after the record has ended. Finally, you cannot help but admire the searing bluntness of the last line, which hammers home one of life's fundamental truths – if you're lookin' hoe, you're going to get slapped.”

'Starships' from Pink Friday: Roman Reloaded (2012)

“Jump in my hooptie hooptie hoop
I own that
And I ain’t paying my rent this month
I owe that”

Will Self: 'Hooptie' is an American colloquialism for a car, and from Minaj's repetition of the word it is clear she wants the listener to understand her sense of pride in her vehicle. She goes on to say that she owns this vehicle, and makes it clear that her vehicle is more important to her than her legal obligation to pay her rent on time. When I first heard these lyrics, I was taken aback by their brazenness, but as is typical with Minaj's work, the real meaning sinks in some time later. She is highlighting what it means to be enslaved by the global economic malaise, which leaves us all with a stark choice between paying our rent and keeping our hooptie.

'Whip It' from Pink Friday: Roman Reloaded (2012)

"Woah.
Is that my cue? I'm looking for some brain to boost my IQ
I'm like 5'2, my SAT scores was high too.
But I don't mean to brag I louis vuitton bag em
Hopped out the jag proceeded to sha shag em."

Will Self: False modesty can be grating, but it can also be a powerful weapon in the hands of a skilled wordsmith like Minaj. The listener is sucked into thinking that here is a young woman of brittle nature, plagued by self-doubt because of her height and fears over her intelligence. But then she neatly spins this developing notion on its head, with two references to her material success – Louis Vuitton and Jaguar - and another nod to sexual conquest.

'Pound the Alarm' from Pink Friday: Roman Reloaded (2012)

"Pumps on and them little mini skirts is out
I see some good girls, I'm a turn 'em out
Ok bottle, sip, bottle, guzzle
I'm a bad bitch, no muzzle, what?
Bottle, sip, bottle, guzzle
I'm a bad bitch, no muzzle, let's go."

Will Self: There is a real bleakness to these lyrics. The 'good girls' are clearly the inner voices in Minaj's head, urging her to curb her hedonistic excesses, but ultimately, they are doomed to be drowned out by her rampant alcoholism. As with so many tragic creative mavericks before her, Minaj refuses to be constrained by the conventions of appropriate behaviour and will always choose to 'guzzle' rather than be 'muzzled'.

Va Va Voom, from Pink Friday: Roman Reloaded (2012)

"Just met a boy, just met a boy when
He could become my little problem
'Cause he look like he modelling clothes in Dublin
So I think that he gettin' that Green like Goblin
Hear through the grape vine that he hang low
We could shoot a movie, could bang, like Rambo
Boom, boom pow, this thing so bingo
Wondering if he could understand my lingo"

Will Self: Here is an example of how Minaj likes to throw cultural references around like confetti at a wedding. But there is also something darker at play here. Who is the goblin, and why is he becoming her little problem? Minaj hints at psychological breakdown without ever revealing enough for the listener to work out whether she is for real or just playing with us. Finally, her references to bingo and Rambo show she is just as in touch with the common man as Shakespeare was more than 400 years ago.

What are your favourite Nicki Minaj lyrics? Email hooptiehooptiehoop@gmail.com