Lance Armstrong to Oprah: "I've never ridden a bike"

THE world had hoped for repentance, contrition, and at the very least, an admission of guilt.

It got something very different.

As Lance Armstrong welcomed Oprah Winfrey into his home in Austin, Texas, for one of the most eagerly awaited celebrity interviews of the decade, it quickly became clear he wasn't about to unburden his conscience over years of drug abuse allegations which have shattered his reputation as one of the planet's greatest ever sportsmen.

Instead, Armstrong, who was stripped of his seven Tour de France titles after being found guilty by doping authorities of systematic abuse of performance enhancing drugs throughout his career, stunned the veteran talkshow host with a simple message for her and all his critics: "I've never even ridden a bike".

The jaw-dropping claim was one of a series made by the 41-year-old during the 90-minute interview, which took place in the living room of Armstrong's spacious, Spanish colonial-style home.

It was made all the more remarkable by the fact that just moments earlier, Armstrong had ridden into the room on a Raleigh Chopper and circled Oprah several times, before pulling a wheelie.

Disembarking the bike, he then brushed off Oprah's offer of an introductory handshake, and spoke directly into the camera.

"Let's get things straight once and for all.

"I don't ride bikes. I'm not a bike rider, never have been and never will be.

"I wouldn't even recognise a bike if you put one in front of me.

"All these people who are saying I've spent my career riding bikes and taking drugs, it's all just a big conspiracy to undermine me run by people - men and women - who are jealous that I've got a bigger penis than all of them put together."

When questioned about his multiple appearances in the Tour de France, widely regarded as the most prestigious and gruelling bike race of all, Armstrong replied: "I know there are clips floating about on You Tube which some people - people whose penises are so small that if you cut them all off and bundled them together, they still wouldn't fit in a matchbox - claim show me riding in the Tour de France.

"But that's bulls**t. I wasn't on a bike or in a bike, whatever that is, I was walking or running the whole time.

"And when I wasn't walking or running, I was flying, or swimming, whichever seemed more appropriate at the time.

"Besides which, I've never even been to France."

The interview footage then appears to show Armstrong lighting a crack pipe as he responds to Oprah's next question, about his alleged use of anabolic steroids.

He said: "I don't take drugs of any kind, even basic medication.

"If I get ill, I fix myself using whatever's to hand - screwdrivers, Blu Tack, whatever.

"And if I can't fix myself, I get ill and die. I've died a ton of times. It's no big deal."

The interview will air in the USA next Thursday night on the Oprah Winfrey Network.

Leveson puts Hugh Grant in charge of media

LORD Leveson will put Hugh Grant in charge of the media tomorrow, the Ugly Truth can reveal.

We have been leaked a copy of Leveson's long-awaited report into press standards, in which he names the Nine Months star the sole arbiter of what we read, watch and listen to.

Grant's powers will be phased in over the coming weeks.

Tomorrow, the Press Complaints Commission will be abolished and Grant will become regulator of all UK publications, from The Sun to Oral Hygiene Monthly.

He will be given the power to replace any articles about himself or his friends with pictures of kittens.

Next week, he will become leader writer for all broadsheets and tabloids, and is expected to use this privilege to tell readers every morning what a delight it was to work with Richard Curtis.

Finally, Grant, who was noshed off by a tart around 20 years ago, will receive the keys to Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre's Jaguar on Christmas morning.

In the leaked report, Leveson reveals he rejected demands by News Corporation chairman Rupert Murdoch to keep self-regulation of the press.

Murdoch claimed the problem of false, intrusive, insensitive and defamatory newspaper articles could be addressed by using a cuddlier font.

Generic article on Middle East crisis

ISRAEL is lightening the gloom in the Middle East by turning its deadly air strikes on Gaza into a series of humorous nightly podcasts.

The 10-minute recordings, available on iTunes, feature the best of each day's explosions, accompanied by quirky commentary from Karl Pilkington.

Palestinian militant group Hamas has responded by turning its rocket attacks on Israel and its brutal executions of alleged Israeli informants into a two-hour long audiobook, narrated by Ulrika Jonsson.

BREAKING NEWS: Chelsea sack Di Matteo's replacement

CHELSEA are to unveil - and sack - their new manager this afternoon following the dismissal earlier of Roberto Di Matteo.

The Italian was given his marching orders after failing to turn base metal into gold and for having a bit of a weasel face.

Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich is to hold a press conference at 3pm on board a private jet at Heathrow Airport.

There, he will unveil Rafa Benitez as the new manager, before sacking him for failing to make it nice and warm outside.

Benitez will then be flown to a quiet island to grieve.

A Chelsea spokesman said in a statement: "We'd like to thank Rafa for his dedicated service over many, many seconds.

"The club feels the time is right for a change as Roman is quite frankly, bored shitless with life at the moment."

The spokesman told journalists they could save time by using that same statement whenever necessary in coming months, replacing the word Rafa with Jose, Harry, Fabio, Guus and Pep, as appropriate.

Commiserations, it's a cunt!

A NEW pregnancy kit will tell a mother if her unborn child is worth having.

Current technology can only reveal whether a woman is pregnant but a new handheld device hitting shelves next month will go a step further.

Developed by Johnson and Johnson, MamaMia will turn blue if a woman is not pregnant, pink if she is, and orange if her child will turn into a right shit.

Maurice Horfield, head of fiendish technology at Johnson and Johnson, said: “Surveys suggest that 75% of parents are fond of their children but we aim to make that figure closer to 100% in future.

“Speaking personally, I have three wonderful daughters and the thought of being without them doesn't bear thinking about.

“But my son, Kevin, I could quite happily do without.”

Critics have suggested the technology could reduce the UK birthrate to zero by 2014.

And Brian Harrington, managing director of leading card manufacturer UK Greetings, said: “This is a potentially worrying development for the greetings card industry.

“While we might see a small lift in sales of 'Congratulations, it's a boy!' and 'Congratulations, it's a girl!' cards, we expect to see the market flat-line for 'Commiserations, it's a cunt!'

Did Jimmy Savile racially abuse drugs with Lance Armstrong?

ANOTHER two million inquiries were launched this morning into all the wrongdoing that has ever happened.

One of the key inquiries will look at whether, as well as sexually abusing everybody who has ever worn a school uniform, Jimmy Savile also racially abused performance enhancing drugs with disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong.

That inquiry will be headed by Sir Chris Hoy and Zig from Channel 4's Big Breakfast duo, Zig and Zag.

The Director-General of the BBC, George Entwistle, said: “We'll also be investigating claims the 96 victims of the Hillsborough Tragedy were crushed to death by Jimmy Savile.

“Personally, I don't think they were, but......you know how it is.”

Mr Entwistle announced a separate inquiry, to be headed by mid-90s one-hit wonders Gala International and Ultra Nate, will look into whether alleged failures in corporate governance at the BBC had anything to do with him forgetting to put the bins out this morning.

BBC football pundit Garth Crooks and former children's TV presenter Dave Benson Phillips have also set up a commission to see whether Kick Racism Out of Football, Show Racism the Red Card, Give Racism the Boot, Leave Racism at the Turnstiles, Smash Racism into Row Z, Bend Racism Like Beckham, Make a Messi of Racism, Please Don't Use the N-Word, No Room for Racism, Black or White, It's Alright!, Don't Say or Do Anything Racist, and Be Nice To All People, Regardless of Race, Religion, Age or Sexual Persuasion, could merge to form one anti-racism organisation.

The Ferdinand brothers, Rio, Anton and Franz, have said whatever happens, they will not be wearing a t-shirt this weekend because they're all in the wash.

Nobody from racism was available for comment.

Olympic warning for Burger King fans

THOUSANDS of spectators will be turned away from Olympic venues for craving products offered by non-sponsors, organisers have confirmed.

Official sponsors of the Games include Coca-Cola, McDonalds, Lloyds TSB, Visa and Samsung.

At a press conference this morning, Lord Coe, the chairman of organisers Locog, said anybody caught craving a Burger King Double Whopper sandwich, for example, would be immediately ejected.

He also confirmed that Bob Diamond, disgraced ex-chief executive of Barclays Bank who has tickets for the women's skeet shooting event on July 29, will only be admitted to the venue if he switches his current account to Lloyds TSB at the gate.

Lord Coe also confirmed that the lead architect responsible for the Olympic Park was shot dead by G4S security guards this morning after it was discovered he had used his Mastercard to withdraw cash from his Barclays account to buy a Burger King meal and a Pepsi, before tweeting about his purchases using his iPad.