"So, how was your weekend?"

"How was your weekend? Get up to much?”

Unless you work from home, the chances are you’ll have asked your colleagues this question at least 10 times so far today.

What you probably won’t have done is think of a single follow-up question when they reply with “nothing much, had a fairly quiet one.”

As a recent survey by the Institute of Irrelevance at Manchester Metropolitan University revealed, 86% of workplace conversations on a Monday morning end with one of the participants faking a seizure because they can’t think of anything to say.

To address this crisis, the Ugly Truth has come up with 7 questions guaranteed to keep a conversation flowing.

1. Did you get caught up in that accident?

This question should be a staple of all Monday morning office conversations. Its primary advantage is that it gives your colleagues the impression that you take at least a passing interest in their day-to-day routine, and perhaps even their wellbeing.

Their most likely response is “No, where was that?” This will give you a chance to weave a tale of overturned cars, flashing sirens and five-mile tailbacks. Be prepared for curveballs like, “No, I walk into work so luckily I never get caught up in traffic.” This is where you have to use your imagination. Claim that the accident involved a pedestrian being thrown 50 feet in the air by an exploding pavement, or a large piece of falling scaffolding squashing an entire primary school majorette troupe.

2. What did you think of the sports?

A great question to ask if the colleague you’re addressing is a sporty type. These days, there are over three different types of sport, ranging from football to American football – and many sporting events take place on weekends, so the chances are there’ll be some sport for them to comment on.

If your luck’s out, they might reply with “What sports?” In this scenario, respond by pretending you actually said “What did you think of the sprouts?” in order to start an even more rewarding conversation about vegetables.

3. Sad about that celebrity, wasn’t it?

2016 will forever be remembered as the year that 37% of all celebrities died. But even today, famous people are dying left, right and centre, so this question is a fairly safe bet. If your colleague replies that they hadn’t heard the news, and enquires whose death you were referring to, reply with: “The nice one with the kind eyes,” and then slowly walk away, gently shaking your head and muttering a barely audible “so sad”. 

4. Are you going to the big meeting later?

This teaser will not only fill your colleague with dread, but more importantly, it will likely generate a counter-question along the lines of, “No, was there an email about it?” This will give you all the ammunition you need to eke out a further two minutes of chat. 

Possible follow-up lines could include: “Yeah, apparently they’re going to reveal who’s been leaving the milk out and make them do a Game of Thrones walk of shame through the office” OR “I’m only joking, there is no big meeting later. It was this morning and you missed it, so if you want the exact details of your redundancy, you’d best go and speak to HR.”

5. Would you rather eat strawberry-flavoured poo, or poo-flavoured strawberries?

Keep this one up your sleeve for the office philosophers. If you ever overhear a colleague saying anything along the lines of: “If I was stuck on a desert island…” or “If I won the lottery…”, you’ve stumbled upon the kind of dreamer who’ll appreciate this line of questioning. Other variants could include “would you rather be stuck in a lift with a flatulent dog, or an entire Ed Sheeran album?”

6. Did you hear something?

Technically, this question is less designed to keep a conversation flowing and more of a device to stop it in its tracks. If you’re in the kitchen, pretend you’ve heard a sound coming from the direction of the fridge, microwave, or any other appliance that’s at least a few yards away. After walking over to the appliance to investigate, say that you must have imagined the sound, and carry on back to your desk.

7. Have you always had that mole?

Again, this question is something of a last resort, for those occasions where you really don’t want a conversation to develop any further. When your colleague replies with ‘what mole?’, you should gesture that the mark in question is on the back of their neck.

The advantage of this approach is that your colleague will almost certainly retreat to the toilets to check it out. And, because the imaginary mark they’re looking for is on their neck, they’ll struggle to get a proper look until they get home and use a second mirror. Should they bring up the issue tomorrow after discovering there is no mole, simply say that they misheard, and that what you actually said was “Has that necklace always been there?”

DISCLAIMER: Asking any question of anybody carries an inherent degree of risk. The Ugly Truth accepts no responsibility for the loss of employment and social standing that may result from asking any of the questions published above. 

Animal crisis shuts down social media

All social media has been suspended for the day because animals aren't being funny. 

Dogs are efficiently getting from A to B without stopping to chase their tails, cats are refraining from fighting their reflections and rabbits are staying in their hutches, being generally dull as fuck.

Today is believed to be the first day since May 13, 2007, that not a single animal has done anything worthy of going viral. On that occasion, the whole of the internet was shut down for nearly 24 hours, until a 13-second clip finally emerged of a gibbon attacking Noel Edmonds with a sword. 

People whose lives revolve around this kind of thing have spoken of their frustration.

Ricky Gomez, a 23-year-old trainee barista who typically shares a dozen videos a day of animals being ‘wacky’, said: "I've been sat in a field filming a horse for the last seven hours. It's neighed a few times and scratched its mane against a fence post, but that is literally it.

“The battery on my phone’s about to die so if it doesn’t pull a face that looks a bit like Donald Trump in the next few minutes, I’ve basically wasted my day.”

Earlier this afternoon, rumours emerged of a video of a kitten playing with a yoyo. However, relief turned to despair when it was discovered the footage actually showed a kitten being hit by a train.

Today’s social media crisis has been exacerbated by the failure of any celebrities to make easily meme-able gaffes.

Donald Trump is understood to have forgotten his Twitter password, while Kim Kardashian, Kanye West, Piers Morgan, Nigel Farage, Theresa May, Harry Styles, Cristiano Ronaldo, Gordon Ramsay and Ryan Reynolds are all believed to be working together on the same jigsaw puzzle.

SOLVED: The mystery of why film baddies can't shoot

It's a puzzle that's exercised the minds of ballistics experts for decades – Why can't film baddies shoot?

Now, a major new study claims to have identified the answer: Stormtroopers, Bond henchmen and other movie villains are so traumatised by their torrid working conditions they lack the motivation to aim properly.

Professor Clinton Swayne, a lecturer in ballistics at the University of Michigan, said: "Wherever you look in movie history, you’ll find baddies with otherwise impeccable motor skills firing shots harmlessly wide of goodies, while goodies are able to dispatch their enemies with a single shot. 

“The goodies and baddies generally look the same, walk the same and talk the same. The only difference is that when Chuck Norris pulls a trigger, 50 terrorists fall to the ground, but a baddy can fire off a hundred rounds without making a goody so much as spill his coffee."

Prof Swayne now claims to have pinpointed the reason why, after leading a team of researchers who have spent 11 years poring over millions of hours of film footage – and tracking down some of the film baddies with the worst ‘shots fired to goodies hit’ ratios.

“We found a whole host of complex reasons why baddies are terrible at shooting guns. Often, they haven’t received adequate firearms training. Other times, they are facing psychological pressures that you and I would know little about.

“We spoke to lots of Stormtroopers, for instance, who described how they were forced to wear their cumbersome white suits all day and night, even when they were sleeping. One said they felt so miserable they didn’t really care if they shot Chewbacca or not.”

An Albanian sex trafficker from the Taken franchise, meanwhile, described how he was told – on the eve of a crucial shootout with no-nonsense CIA operative Bryan Mills – that he wouldn't be getting a pre-agreed bonus even if he successfully gunned down Mills.

"It was a massive blow to my emotional wellbeing, especially as I was on the minimum wage at the time," said the trafficker, who wished to remain anonymous.

"I had no reason to bother trying to kill this guy if I wasn't being rewarded for my labour, so I didn't even try. There's one scene in Taken 2 where you can clearly see me aiming at at a billboard for Findus Crispy Pancakes that's about 10 yards above Mills' head."

Anecdotes such as this back up one of the study's key findings, which is that 41% of villains believe a lack of motivation is the biggest single reason for their failure to fulfil their henchmanly duties. Inadequate training (26%) is next on the list, while nearly a fifth of baddies claim 'emotional turmoil' is the main factor affecting their ability to shoot. 

Some of the survey questions are published below. The full research paper will be published at the premiere of Star Wars: The Last Jedi later this year.

“Carrying out this research was an exhausting process, as it involved watching literally every second of every film ever made," says Prof Swayne.

“Some of our guys were pleading with me to cut a few corners by skipping films that were unlikely to have any gunfire in them.

“But I was adamant that in order for this research to be credible, we couldn’t miss a single minute of cinema, and if that meant watching Marley and Me in case there was a bloody shout-out we’d all forgotten about, so be it.”

Some of cinema’s leading villains have welcomed Prof Swayne’s research.

A representative of James Bond nemesis, Scaramanga, said the study offered useful insights which could potentially increase the effectiveness of future villainy and dastardliness.  

Others have responded angrily, however. 

Abdul Rafai, a Lebanese terrorist in the 1980s Chuck Norris action thriller, The Delta Force, said: "This so-called research paints a picture that us villains are completely incompetent, when the truth is very different.

"I personally shot Captain Scott McCoy three times, right in the eye. It's just the camera angles and the selective editing that make it look like he got away unharmed."

Darth Vader, meanwhile, is said to be considering legal action over Prof Swayne’s allegations that Stormtroopers endure poor working conditions.

“Staff welfare is at the heart of all we do aboard the Death Star," said a Galactic Empire spokesman. "Lord Vader emphatically rejects the assertion that any of our employees were in any way mistreated during our numerous failed campaigns to obliterate Mark Hamill.”

Parent publishes world's first parenting blog

A 28-year-old mother from Islington has made history by becoming the first person to write an internet diary about what life is like as a parent. 

Maria Etherington posted the first entry in her blog, Generic Modern Mummy, yesterday. The 200-word post related an incident in which her 18-month-old son, Marcus, wouldn't eat his broccoli.

Maria said: "He was eating his fish fingers just fine, but he wouldn't touch the healthy stuff on his plate, even though I'd arranged his greens so they looked a bit like a dinosaur.

"And I got to thinking 'if this is moderately frustrating for me, just imagine how interesting and engaging it would be for others, if only there was some way of relaying details of this scenario to them'".

Maria then remembered that her laptop included a keyboard and internet access. Things moved quickly from there. 

"Within two hours, I'd set up my blog and had started writing about how Marcus not only doesn't like broccoli, but also struggles with carrots too.

"Clicking the button to make the article go live on the internet was a massive adrenaline rush. I knew I was heading into unchartered waters – what would the world make of this? 

"I was absolutely amazed when comments started coming in from other actual real life mums and dads just like me. One dad said that his daughter hadn't touched a sprout in months.

"I also had a really nice email from the Guinness World Records team who confirmed that nobody else has ever discussed the ups and downs of parenting in a publicly available online forum. I should be getting a certificate in the post in the next day or two.

"It's also given me all sorts of ideas about other things people could write blogs about. For instance, I sometimes wear make-up, and I know some of my friends do too, so what about a beauty blog? It's just a thought.

"Also, these days people will eat anything up to three meals a day, so a food blog might be another option. Stop me if this is all sounding a bit wacky."

At 3pm on Wednesday, Maria is inviting Facebook users to watch a live stream of a three-and-a-half-hour tantrum after she asks Marcus to clear up his toys.

Movember: "Your zany facial hair may not cure other people's cancer", warn experts

Scientists have stunned hipster students everywhere by revealing there is no causal link between growing an amusing moustache and slowing the spread of cancerous cells in others.

The shock revelation comes on the eve of Movember, a month-long celebration of the right of young men to look a bit wacky while ostensibly raising awareness of a range of health conditions.

A team of scientists from the University of Bristol spent a week walking around Clifton, where 93% of men under 25 already have comical facial hair and the remaining 7% are set to follow suit during Movember. 

The team discovered that cancer rates in Clifton are just as high as they are in Bridgwater, Somerset, where by-laws have prohibited the growing of even small amounts of trendy designer stubble since 1993. 

The Ugly Truth spoke to students in Clifton to gauge their reaction. 

Byron Vista-Broad, a 21-year-old Existential Relativism undergraduate, said: "It's disappointing. All my friends had convinced me that by looking a tiny bit like Poirot, I was somehow helping to slow the spread of cancerous cells into the lymphatic systems of many thousands of men. To learn that this may not be the case is really deflating."

Gulliver Nash, a 19-year-old student of Postmodern Aerobics, said: "I'd been told that the more ironic your facial hair, the more effective it was at destroying cancer cells, hence my incredibly tongue-in-cheek horseshoe moustache.

"If it's not actually doing the trick, I'll probably have to get a tattoo of an eagle instead, as I've heard that's a proven cure for other people's Muscular Dystrophy."

Others were less concerned, however. 

Ignatius Lattimer, 22, who is about to complete his MA in Egyptian Gastronomy, said: "For me, raising awareness of cancer is even more important than finding a cure. Because once you are aware of something, you can do something about it if that makes sense. It's no use having a cure for cancer if you don't have that awareness of why you've done it."  

Zeus Finlay-Finlayson, a 19-year-old Cosmic Anthropology undergraduate, agreed. He said: "I've done Movember for the past three years and I've probably raised more awareness than you could fit in my local artisan bakery, which is a lot of awareness. In fact, I'm not convinced anybody had even heard of cancer until I started shaving weird little crop circles in my beard when I was a sixth former."

John Lewis Christmas ad to be “bloodiest yet”

Giving Myrrh as a Secret Santa present. 

Taking extended toilet breaks to avoid hated family members. 

Praying it’ll all be over soon.

Many would now rank John Lewis's Christmas TV adverts alongside these other great festive traditions.

However, while in recent years these adverts have told heart-warming tales of snowmen and penguins, this year’s ad will mark a radical change in direction from the retailer.

A source within the creative agency responsible for the advert – which is expected to air in early November – has revealed it will feature a drastically different storyline, one that has been carefully constructed to help John Lewis show off more of its products.

According to the source, this change in approach was prompted by the dramatic and unexpected rise in telescope sales at John Lewis following last year’s Christmas advert about a pervy old man on the Moon (see chart below).

Here, our source gives a second-by-second breakdown of the new ad.

“It opens with a young child playing football (Adidas UCL Finale 16 Capitano Ball, Size 5, £15) with his pals in the street.

“Suddenly, the ball is booted into a neighbour’s garden and the child clambers over the wall to retrieve it.

Shear carnage 

“The action then cuts to the garden, where we see the disgruntled homeowner glaring at a football-sized hole in his greenhouse.

“He then reaches for a pair of garden shears (Spear and Jackson 8110KEW Razorsharp Hedge Shears, £33.49) and lunges at the boy.

“The young lad manages to leap out of the way, but in doing so he bangs his head on a bird table (Kew Gardens Broomfield Bird Table, £27.50) and then slips backwards onto a firepit (Morso Outdoor Firepit, £295), cracking several vertebrae.

“Just as the homeowner is about to plunge the shears into the boy’s throat, he is struck by a drone (Parrot Swat Airborne Night Minidrone, £99.99) which is being flown clumsily by a neighbourhood pervert, giving the youth a vital few seconds to limp away from his attacker.

Wok the fuk?

“The chase continues indoors. In the kitchen, the pair rain down blows on each other using a Circulon Ultimum Stainless Steel 3-Piece Pan Set (£180).

“Frustrated that the boy is still breathing despite this relentless assault, the homeowner decides to switch weapons. It proves a costly mistake. As he reaches with one hand for a Ken Hom Carbon Steel Wok (£27) the young boy grabs his other arm and forces it into a Magimix 4200XL BlenderMix Food Processor (£279.99), which he sets to ‘pulse’.

“With the man’s screams ringing in his ears, the boy makes his escape, pausing briefly to steal an Amelia Stripe Rug (£80) from the hallway, as he knows it will make the ideal gift for his Nan.”

The source insists that despite its grisly content, the advert remains faithful to the John Lewis brand.

He says: “You’re only a few seconds in when you realise you’ve stopped noticing the blood and the screams, and you’ve started remembering what it was like being a young lad at Christmas, with rosy cheeks and dreams of treasured toys.

“Plus, while all the action is going on, you’re hearing Michelle McManus singing John Lennon’s ‘Imagine’. It’s a real tear-jerker.”

How Facebook exposed my mediocre parents

A man has described his horror at discovering through Facebook that he may have second-rate parents. 

Gavin Blenkinsop, 23, had previously considered his mum, Elaine, and dad, Paul, loving and supportive parents. However, he is now concerned he may have been short-changed his entire life after noticing that a friend, Mandy, had identified her parents as the “best mum and dad ever”, in a Facebook post marking their 20^th wedding anniversary.

Gavin made the discovery last night, after logging on to Facebook to check if his friends still thought their pets and children were cute. 

"At first everything was fine," he said. "There was a post from my friend Mike, in which he made it clear that he still thought his two-year-old daughter Beth-Rae was adorable, just like he did last time. That was a huge relief. 

"Then there was another from Jessica at work, showing a picture of her cat sitting on her lap with the caption 'bliss!' 

"But then I saw this post from Mandy, who's on my pub darts team. There was a picture of her parents about to start a round of mini golf, with the caption 'best mum and dad ever'. 

“I was devastated. I'd never realised there was such a clear-cut hierarchy before."

Gavin said the discovery has forced him to re-evaluate his upbringing. He has already cancelled plans to go to his dad's 60th birthday party while he "figures shit out".

He said: "On my tenth birthday, I got a Spiderman toy that shot out a web when you clicked on a button. I've always thought that I loved that toy.

"Now though, when I think back, I remember that I actually lost it on a holiday in Devon a few months later. We were on a pedalo and it fell into a lake. My dad didn't even dive in to rescue it. Mandy's mum and dad would never have let that happen.

"Then there was the time I twisted my ankle playing football. If mum and dad had bought me the Sega Mega Drive I'd asked for, I would have been safe inside playing Sonic the Hedgehog, and my ankle would have been fine.

"What's really bothering me, though, is that Mandy's mum and dad were violent alcoholics who used to lock her in a cupboard if she forgot to buy them cigarettes on her walk home from school. 

"If they're the best parents ever, then what does that say about mine?"

Gavin says the whole episode has brought back painful memories of last Christmas.

He said: "Mum absolutely loves Elton John, so for Christmas I got her the piano that Elton used when he wrote most of Goodbye Yellow Brick Road. 

"I'd bumped into him in Wilkinsons while I was looking for curtain rails and he'd been only too happy to help. 

"I was so excited to see the look on her face when it arrived – that was until I saw a TV advert that made it clear that the perfect Christmas present for mums was actually a pampering gift set from Boots. I was crushed.

"In fairness, when the piano arrived mum did look over the moon but I knew it was just a lie.

"I can't trust anything that she says or does now. Or dad. They're both just awful, awful people."