"You can't make an omelette since I cut off your hands" - great proverbs turned into Christmas t-shirts!

The wine is mulling, the chestnuts are spitting on an open hob, the reindeer are bobbing on the tree. It can mean only one thing - Christmas is around the corner! 

But if you're struggling to think of gift ideas, and if John Lewis and Aldi have both run out of telescopes, why not get your loved ones a festive Ugly Truth t-shirt, hoodie or jumper? 

We've put nine of your favourite sayings onto fabric, with uproarious results. Order now* to avoid having to order later.  

* Clothes shown may not exist. If they do exist, actual proverbs may differ from those shown above, and may be more alarming, threatening or offensive than seems necessary. Materials used may will be dangerous. All clothes shown contain nuts and were made in a factory where employees were encouraged to bathe in nuts. Clothes may not be exchanged for holidays, weapons or mortgages. Wearing these clothes will make you less popular than you were before, if and where this is possible. Clothes should not be worn on Wednesdays, Thursdays, or ever. The Ugly Truth cannot accept responsibility for anything, although it probably should. Judge's decision is final. Photos cannot be returned, although thanks for sending them in, especially that one. Full terms and conditions will be displayed on an aerial banner that is being flown past you literally as we speak. (V) = vegetarian. (GF) = packed full of gluten. 

How Flappy Bird inspired GB's Davis Cup triumph

The head of British tennis believes Andy Murray’s Davis Cup victory can inspire our nation of losers to forge ahead in life by piggybacking on the successes of others. 

Great Britain yesterday landed its first Davis Cup triumph since the Norman Conquest by beating Belgium in the final of the unpopular ball-hitting event. 

Murray was instrumental in the triumph, first teaming up with brother Jamie to defeat the Poirot twins, Hercule and Dean, in the doubles on Saturday, before clinching victory on Sunday by beating a box of Guylian chocolates in straight sets.

It was Murray's 47^th win in this year’s Davis Cup campaign. In contrast, no other British singles player has even won a point in a Davis Cup match since Josef Goebbels double-faulted against Fred Perry in Britain’s clash with Germany in 1934.

Murray is now odds-on to claim the Team of the Year prize at the BBC Sports Personality of the Year Awards.

However, despite it clearly not being a team effort, Britain’s Davis Cup captain Leon Smith praised the “team effort”, which he said had driven Britain to a first Davis Cup triumph since the Mesozoic era.

“It was a real team effort,” he said. “While Andy won the tennis matches, everybody else did their bit. 

"Dan Evans, for example, lost his matches so quickly that he was able to do lots of sightseeing, which meant he had loads of interesting anecdotes to share with the rest of the team. And while the tennis was going on, James Ward was beating his score at Flappy Bird over and over again, which really improved his morale, and I’m sure that had a knock-on effect on the rest of the group, Andy included.”

The Chief Executive of the Lawn Tennis Association, Michael Downey, offered a contrasting view – following Britain’s first Davis Cup triumph since the emergence of multi-celled organisms.

He said: “Winning the Davis Cup was a fantastic achievement, and inevitably there will now be questions as to how we build on this momentum, to inspire the next generation of Andy Murrays to get out there and play tennis.

“But I think this is missing the point. Nobody’s going to be inspired to be like Andy Murray. He’s actually quite good at tennis, which most people aren’t, and presumably has to work hard and practice regularly to be successful. That’s not going to inspire anybody. 

"On the other hand, people will be inspired by what’s happened to the likes of Dan Evans, Kyle Edmund and Dom Inglot. They can now call themselves Davis Cup champions, despite the fact they’ve won as many tennis matches this year as Leon from Gogglebox.”

8 tips for avoiding a cyber attack

From Sony to Talk Talk, these days it's hard to log in to your internet without seeing another news story about a major corporation having its digital pants pulled down by cyber criminals. 

But what would happen if you were the hackers' next target? What could they do if they got access to your computer or smart phone? 

Here, The Ugly Truth's Technology Correspondent Jeremy Metadata explains his eight-step strategy to avoiding Cybergeddon. 

1 Avoid email scams

These are where somebody sends you an email along these lines. "Dear Diego (which probably isn't even your name), I'm in Magaluf and somebody's stolen my phone and wallet. Please wire me £600 or else I'll have no money for food and tattoos. Yours, Juan (might not even be his real name)." 

While these requests are usually completely legit, they might not be and there's always a slim possibility Juan might be having you on. 

So what should you do? You could just delete the email straight away, but then you risk hurting Juan's feelings, or worse. My advice is to compromise and give him half of what he's after, in this case £300. 

If he's legit, he'll be grateful for your help, and he'll probably scrape the other £300 off another Diego. If he's a crook, you'll have the satisfaction of knowing his evil plan to fleece you of £600 has semi-failed semi-miserably.

2 Phight off phishing attacks 

The other kind of email scam is called phishing. This is where cyber crooks trick you into downloading viruses and such like onto your computer. They do this by luring you into clicking on a link that looks completely fair enough, but is actually jam packed full of cyber badness. So their email might say 'Dear Madam, you have won a free penis enlargement. Click here for a substantially bigger penis' but when you click on the link, you find your penis is barely any larger than it was before and the cyber criminals now have complete control of your computer, meaning they could beat your record on Minesweeper and you wouldn't even know it.

3 Have a strong password

Your password needs to be something that's easy for you to remember, but hard for anybody else to guess. My suggestion would be something that relates to the sound your first ever girlfriend/boyfriend made when you bought them a present they didn't really like. Something like "Eeeurrrggh!" or "Yeeeeuuuuchh!". However, you'll need plenty of alternatives as IT experts recommend you change your password three or four times a minute. Making such frequent changes can become a drag, so why not add fun and fitness to the mix by doing a press-up or a burpee in between each password change? 

4 Turn the tables on the hackers 

Statistically, there's a three in three (100%) chance your webcam will be hacked at some point (I'm staring at you right now, for instance - nice pants.) 

Hackers will be hoping to see something sexy, so my advice is to throw them off the scent by pointing your webcam at a papier mâché model of you pleasuring yourself while eating some chips. It will take a while until the hackers realise they're not watching the real thing - but imagine the looks on their faces when they do! 

If you don't fancy doing this, try pointing your webcam at something scary, like a poster of Jack Nicholson from The Shining, or the gang of masked criminals breaking in through your living room window.

5 Be breathtakingly dull 

Cyber criminals will be hunting either sensitive data, like bank details and passwords, or revealing/incriminating material, such as footage of you seductively eating chips. Don't let them have it. Let your hard-drive reflect a life not lived. Don't open a bank account, don't take pictures of you by the Eiffel Tower, surrounded by delicious-looking chips. Instead, fill your computer with nothing but bulky mpegs with boring titles like 'Auntie Edna takes several hours to blow out the candles on her 105th birthday cake cos she's got no lungs'. 

6 Get on the hackers' side

There are basically two types of cyber criminal - Russians employed by the Kremlin to destroy the cyber infrastructure of other nation-states, and 15-year-old nerds from Luton who see hacking as a welcome distraction from their spots and uncontrollable erections. 

To placate both groups at once, change your screensaver to a picture of a Russian flag being placed on the moon, and install the latest video games popular with nerds (I haven't checked what the most popular games are these days, but they're bound to include one from the Doom franchise). 

7 Beef up your security 

Build a firewall using whatever you have to hand in your garden. Kindling, rocks, mahogany and bits of old Futons can all be used to put together a decent makeshift firewall. Then you'll need to add some antivirus software - Jamie Oliver's '15-minute Antivirus Software' has some useful tips on how to make antivirus software in just 15 minutes. 

8 Plan for the worst 

Chances are none of the tips outlined above will help you in any way. Therefore you need to be ready to plan for Cybergeddon. If hackers do invade your computer or phone, they'll be able to steal your identity. And once they've done that, they'll find a way of cloning your eyes, ears, feet and genitalia. They'll then use this advantage to frame you for all kinds of crimes, from ram-raids on your local branch of Majestic, to major terrorist attacks. 

When this happens, you'll want to be long gone. If you can, build a wardrobe that can transport you into a mysterious winter wonderland dominated by a talking lion that weirdly has no interest in eating you. Failing that, try falling down a rabbit hole and asking a Cheshire cat for help. If that doesn't work, and trust me, it won't - you'll need to develop a taste for nuts and berries and head to the woods to live out the rest of your miserable life. 

Good luck!

NHS running dangerously low on 'eye of newt'

Reserves of some of the folklore-based medications the government is relying on to ease pressure on the NHS this winter have nearly been exhausted. 

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has replaced many traditional medicines and treatments – ranging from paracetamol to radiotherapy – with cheaper, myth-based alternatives. 

Patients with serious heart conditions are now offered a package of care which includes rain dances and daily doses of wing of bat. 

Lizard's leg is being given to patients displaying symptoms ranging from heavy breathing and dizziness to multiple bone fractures and rigor mortis, while eye of newt is now routinely used to treat patients with puncture wounds, locked-in syndrome or the sniffles.  

However, supplies of eye of newt and other mythological ingredients – which have been sourced from an enchanted wood just outside Coventry – are now running so low that the Department of Health is considering alternative strategies.

Mr Hunt told a press conference this morning that he had instructed all NHS Clinical Commissioning Groups to start rooting through bins.

"You never know, orange peel might be useful for something," he said.

Mr Hunt also took the opportunity to defend some of his other controversial cost-saving measures, which include: 

•  A programme of research to see whether unexpectedly shouting 'boo' at someone is as effective at curing cancer as it is at getting rid of hiccups
• Replacing ambulances with Trunkis, which, while smaller, slower, and unsuited to transporting patients or medical equipment, are significantly cheaper and require less maintenance
• Asking disorientated patients coming round from general anaesthetic if they can spare any change
• Removing the need for all mental health spending by encouraging NHS staff to sing Bobby McFerrin's 'Don't Worry Be Happy' at anybody who looks a bit down in the dumps 
• Offering junior doctors vouchers for defunct retailers, such as Our Price and Woolworths, in lieu of an actual salary
• Forcing children on the Duke of Edinburgh scheme to identify further savings of up to 30% in the total NHS budget in order to complete their Gold Award.

Mr Hunt said: "All government departments are having to identify ways of working more efficiently and saving the taxpayer money and we should be applauded for that, not criticised. 

"Nobody complained when the Department for Education ended the Free School Meals programme and taught children to photosynthesise instead.

"What we are doing within the Department of Health reflects the fact that 'we're all in it together'. 

"In fact, in terms of the NHS, the only way we could be more all in it together is if we made all hospital patients share one giant bed, which is something that is currently being costed."