NHS running dangerously low on 'eye of newt'

Reserves of some of the folklore-based medications the government is relying on to ease pressure on the NHS this winter have nearly been exhausted. 

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has replaced many traditional medicines and treatments – ranging from paracetamol to radiotherapy – with cheaper, myth-based alternatives. 

Patients with serious heart conditions are now offered a package of care which includes rain dances and daily doses of wing of bat. 

Lizard's leg is being given to patients displaying symptoms ranging from heavy breathing and dizziness to multiple bone fractures and rigor mortis, while eye of newt is now routinely used to treat patients with puncture wounds, locked-in syndrome or the sniffles.  

However, supplies of eye of newt and other mythological ingredients – which have been sourced from an enchanted wood just outside Coventry – are now running so low that the Department of Health is considering alternative strategies.

Mr Hunt told a press conference this morning that he had instructed all NHS Clinical Commissioning Groups to start rooting through bins.

"You never know, orange peel might be useful for something," he said.

Mr Hunt also took the opportunity to defend some of his other controversial cost-saving measures, which include: 

•  A programme of research to see whether unexpectedly shouting 'boo' at someone is as effective at curing cancer as it is at getting rid of hiccups
• Replacing ambulances with Trunkis, which, while smaller, slower, and unsuited to transporting patients or medical equipment, are significantly cheaper and require less maintenance
• Asking disorientated patients coming round from general anaesthetic if they can spare any change
• Removing the need for all mental health spending by encouraging NHS staff to sing Bobby McFerrin's 'Don't Worry Be Happy' at anybody who looks a bit down in the dumps 
• Offering junior doctors vouchers for defunct retailers, such as Our Price and Woolworths, in lieu of an actual salary
• Forcing children on the Duke of Edinburgh scheme to identify further savings of up to 30% in the total NHS budget in order to complete their Gold Award.

Mr Hunt said: "All government departments are having to identify ways of working more efficiently and saving the taxpayer money and we should be applauded for that, not criticised. 

"Nobody complained when the Department for Education ended the Free School Meals programme and taught children to photosynthesise instead.

"What we are doing within the Department of Health reflects the fact that 'we're all in it together'. 

"In fact, in terms of the NHS, the only way we could be more all in it together is if we made all hospital patients share one giant bed, which is something that is currently being costed."