Movember: "Your zany facial hair may not cure other people's cancer", warn experts

Scientists have stunned hipster students everywhere by revealing there is no causal link between growing an amusing moustache and slowing the spread of cancerous cells in others.

The shock revelation comes on the eve of Movember, a month-long celebration of the right of young men to look a bit wacky while ostensibly raising awareness of a range of health conditions.

A team of scientists from the University of Bristol spent a week walking around Clifton, where 93% of men under 25 already have comical facial hair and the remaining 7% are set to follow suit during Movember. 

The team discovered that cancer rates in Clifton are just as high as they are in Bridgwater, Somerset, where by-laws have prohibited the growing of even small amounts of trendy designer stubble since 1993. 

The Ugly Truth spoke to students in Clifton to gauge their reaction. 

Byron Vista-Broad, a 21-year-old Existential Relativism undergraduate, said: "It's disappointing. All my friends had convinced me that by looking a tiny bit like Poirot, I was somehow helping to slow the spread of cancerous cells into the lymphatic systems of many thousands of men. To learn that this may not be the case is really deflating."

Gulliver Nash, a 19-year-old student of Postmodern Aerobics, said: "I'd been told that the more ironic your facial hair, the more effective it was at destroying cancer cells, hence my incredibly tongue-in-cheek horseshoe moustache.

"If it's not actually doing the trick, I'll probably have to get a tattoo of an eagle instead, as I've heard that's a proven cure for other people's Muscular Dystrophy."

Others were less concerned, however. 

Ignatius Lattimer, 22, who is about to complete his MA in Egyptian Gastronomy, said: "For me, raising awareness of cancer is even more important than finding a cure. Because once you are aware of something, you can do something about it if that makes sense. It's no use having a cure for cancer if you don't have that awareness of why you've done it."  

Zeus Finlay-Finlayson, a 19-year-old Cosmic Anthropology undergraduate, agreed. He said: "I've done Movember for the past three years and I've probably raised more awareness than you could fit in my local artisan bakery, which is a lot of awareness. In fact, I'm not convinced anybody had even heard of cancer until I started shaving weird little crop circles in my beard when I was a sixth former."

John Lewis Christmas ad to be “bloodiest yet”

Giving Myrrh as a Secret Santa present. 

Taking extended toilet breaks to avoid hated family members. 

Praying it’ll all be over soon.

Many would now rank John Lewis's Christmas TV adverts alongside these other great festive traditions.

However, while in recent years these adverts have told heart-warming tales of snowmen and penguins, this year’s ad will mark a radical change in direction from the retailer.

A source within the creative agency responsible for the advert – which is expected to air in early November – has revealed it will feature a drastically different storyline, one that has been carefully constructed to help John Lewis show off more of its products.

According to the source, this change in approach was prompted by the dramatic and unexpected rise in telescope sales at John Lewis following last year’s Christmas advert about a pervy old man on the Moon (see chart below).

Here, our source gives a second-by-second breakdown of the new ad.

“It opens with a young child playing football (Adidas UCL Finale 16 Capitano Ball, Size 5, £15) with his pals in the street.

“Suddenly, the ball is booted into a neighbour’s garden and the child clambers over the wall to retrieve it.

Shear carnage 

“The action then cuts to the garden, where we see the disgruntled homeowner glaring at a football-sized hole in his greenhouse.

“He then reaches for a pair of garden shears (Spear and Jackson 8110KEW Razorsharp Hedge Shears, £33.49) and lunges at the boy.

“The young lad manages to leap out of the way, but in doing so he bangs his head on a bird table (Kew Gardens Broomfield Bird Table, £27.50) and then slips backwards onto a firepit (Morso Outdoor Firepit, £295), cracking several vertebrae.

“Just as the homeowner is about to plunge the shears into the boy’s throat, he is struck by a drone (Parrot Swat Airborne Night Minidrone, £99.99) which is being flown clumsily by a neighbourhood pervert, giving the youth a vital few seconds to limp away from his attacker.

Wok the fuk?

“The chase continues indoors. In the kitchen, the pair rain down blows on each other using a Circulon Ultimum Stainless Steel 3-Piece Pan Set (£180).

“Frustrated that the boy is still breathing despite this relentless assault, the homeowner decides to switch weapons. It proves a costly mistake. As he reaches with one hand for a Ken Hom Carbon Steel Wok (£27) the young boy grabs his other arm and forces it into a Magimix 4200XL BlenderMix Food Processor (£279.99), which he sets to ‘pulse’.

“With the man’s screams ringing in his ears, the boy makes his escape, pausing briefly to steal an Amelia Stripe Rug (£80) from the hallway, as he knows it will make the ideal gift for his Nan.”

The source insists that despite its grisly content, the advert remains faithful to the John Lewis brand.

He says: “You’re only a few seconds in when you realise you’ve stopped noticing the blood and the screams, and you’ve started remembering what it was like being a young lad at Christmas, with rosy cheeks and dreams of treasured toys.

“Plus, while all the action is going on, you’re hearing Michelle McManus singing John Lennon’s ‘Imagine’. It’s a real tear-jerker.”