Giving Myrrh as a Secret Santa present.
Taking extended toilet breaks to avoid hated family members.
Praying it’ll all be over soon.
Many would now rank John Lewis's Christmas TV adverts alongside these other great festive traditions.
However, while in recent years these adverts have told heart-warming tales of snowmen and penguins, this year’s ad will mark a radical change in direction from the retailer.
A source within the creative agency responsible for the advert – which is expected to air in early November – has revealed it will feature a drastically different storyline, one that has been carefully constructed to help John Lewis show off more of its products.
According to the source, this change in approach was prompted by the dramatic and unexpected rise in telescope sales at John Lewis following last year’s Christmas advert about a pervy old man on the Moon (see chart below).
Here, our source gives a second-by-second breakdown of the new ad.
“It opens with a young child playing football (Adidas UCL Finale 16 Capitano Ball, Size 5, £15) with his pals in the street.
“Suddenly, the ball is booted into a neighbour’s garden and the child clambers over the wall to retrieve it.
Shear carnage
“The action then cuts to the garden, where we see the disgruntled homeowner glaring at a football-sized hole in his greenhouse.
“He then reaches for a pair of garden shears (Spear and Jackson 8110KEW Razorsharp Hedge Shears, £33.49) and lunges at the boy.
“The young lad manages to leap out of the way, but in doing so he bangs his head on a bird table (Kew Gardens Broomfield Bird Table, £27.50) and then slips backwards onto a firepit (Morso Outdoor Firepit, £295), cracking several vertebrae.
“Just as the homeowner is about to plunge the shears into the boy’s throat, he is struck by a drone (Parrot Swat Airborne Night Minidrone, £99.99) which is being flown clumsily by a neighbourhood pervert, giving the youth a vital few seconds to limp away from his attacker.
Wok the fuk?
“The chase continues indoors. In the kitchen, the pair rain down blows on each other using a Circulon Ultimum Stainless Steel 3-Piece Pan Set (£180).
“Frustrated that the boy is still breathing despite this relentless assault, the homeowner decides to switch weapons. It proves a costly mistake. As he reaches with one hand for a Ken Hom Carbon Steel Wok (£27) the young boy grabs his other arm and forces it into a Magimix 4200XL BlenderMix Food Processor (£279.99), which he sets to ‘pulse’.
“With the man’s screams ringing in his ears, the boy makes his escape, pausing briefly to steal an Amelia Stripe Rug (£80) from the hallway, as he knows it will make the ideal gift for his Nan.”
The source insists that despite its grisly content, the advert remains faithful to the John Lewis brand.
He says: “You’re only a few seconds in when you realise you’ve stopped noticing the blood and the screams, and you’ve started remembering what it was like being a young lad at Christmas, with rosy cheeks and dreams of treasured toys.
“Plus, while all the action is going on, you’re hearing Michelle McManus singing John Lennon’s ‘Imagine’. It’s a real tear-jerker.”
Taking extended toilet breaks to avoid hated family members.
Praying it’ll all be over soon.
Many would now rank John Lewis's Christmas TV adverts alongside these other great festive traditions.
However, while in recent years these adverts have told heart-warming tales of snowmen and penguins, this year’s ad will mark a radical change in direction from the retailer.
A source within the creative agency responsible for the advert – which is expected to air in early November – has revealed it will feature a drastically different storyline, one that has been carefully constructed to help John Lewis show off more of its products.
According to the source, this change in approach was prompted by the dramatic and unexpected rise in telescope sales at John Lewis following last year’s Christmas advert about a pervy old man on the Moon (see chart below).
Here, our source gives a second-by-second breakdown of the new ad.
“It opens with a young child playing football (Adidas UCL Finale 16 Capitano Ball, Size 5, £15) with his pals in the street.
“Suddenly, the ball is booted into a neighbour’s garden and the child clambers over the wall to retrieve it.
Shear carnage
“The action then cuts to the garden, where we see the disgruntled homeowner glaring at a football-sized hole in his greenhouse.
“He then reaches for a pair of garden shears (Spear and Jackson 8110KEW Razorsharp Hedge Shears, £33.49) and lunges at the boy.
“The young lad manages to leap out of the way, but in doing so he bangs his head on a bird table (Kew Gardens Broomfield Bird Table, £27.50) and then slips backwards onto a firepit (Morso Outdoor Firepit, £295), cracking several vertebrae.
“Just as the homeowner is about to plunge the shears into the boy’s throat, he is struck by a drone (Parrot Swat Airborne Night Minidrone, £99.99) which is being flown clumsily by a neighbourhood pervert, giving the youth a vital few seconds to limp away from his attacker.
Wok the fuk?
“Frustrated that the boy is still breathing despite this relentless assault, the homeowner decides to switch weapons. It proves a costly mistake. As he reaches with one hand for a Ken Hom Carbon Steel Wok (£27) the young boy grabs his other arm and forces it into a Magimix 4200XL BlenderMix Food Processor (£279.99), which he sets to ‘pulse’.
“With the man’s screams ringing in his ears, the boy makes his escape, pausing briefly to steal an Amelia Stripe Rug (£80) from the hallway, as he knows it will make the ideal gift for his Nan.”
The source insists that despite its grisly content, the advert remains faithful to the John Lewis brand.
He says: “You’re only a few seconds in when you realise you’ve stopped noticing the blood and the screams, and you’ve started remembering what it was like being a young lad at Christmas, with rosy cheeks and dreams of treasured toys.
“Plus, while all the action is going on, you’re hearing Michelle McManus singing John Lennon’s ‘Imagine’. It’s a real tear-jerker.”
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