What will your life be like in 2016? What will you eat, wear, sit on, and use to clean your oven?
None of those questions will be answered here. Instead, we gaze into our crystal ball to look at seven things that will terrify the living jimminy out of you over the next 12 months, and explain how you can survive them.
1. Sugar
In February, Jamie Oliver's startling documentary, What The Flying Fuck Are We Eating? will stun the nation, by revealing how much sugar is packed into our everyday shopping lists.
Even seemingly innocuous items, like cucumbers, Meccano sets, and bleach, are found to contain more sugar per kilogram than a one kilogram bag of sugar.
A raft of drastic measures will be introduced to reduce Britain's sugar consumption. In March, Morrisons will become the first UK retailer to turn its confectionary aisles into 'Whoopee Aisles', fitted with sensors that detect the weight of each shopper, and make a farting noise to shame obese shoppers into putting back the bottle of Dr Pepper or multi-pack of Twix bars they've just picked up.
Sainsbury's will up the ante in April, by putting bits of broken glass into every third pack of Wine Gums, before Asda wins plaudits from health campaigners by introducing teams of snipers to ward off shoppers who veer too close to its pick'n'mix areas.
How to stay safe: Shop at Aldi. In a two-fingers gesture to the more established supermarket giants, Aldi announces in March that it will only stock sugary items, from Chocolate Toilet Brushes to Caramel-Flavoured Clothes Airers.
2. Cyber crime
Cyber crime will take a disturbing new turn in May, when hackers discover how to take control of people's thumbs, allowing them to make their victims:
- Tap along to music they don't like
- Press the space bar when they don't want to
- Look like they're trying to hitch-hike when they're actually just trying to enjoy a bit of 'me time' next to a motorway entry slip road
3. Storm Hitler
In 2016, the Government will end its policy of giving devastating weather events cuddly names, when it realises people whose homes have disappeared under water are just as pissed off at Storm Frank as they would have been at Storm Ebola or Storm Katie Hopkins. The deadliest of the 2016 storms will be Storm Hitler, which will destroy everything except Peppa Pig's house.
How to stay safe: Follow astronaut Tim Peake's lead and spend the next six months in space.
4. The BBC
The BBC's television viewing figures will plunge to an all-time low in 2016 following the demise of some of its most popular shows. An unprecedented global shortage of marquees does for The Great British Bake Off, before Strictly Come Dancing crumples in bizarre circumstances.
After Len Goodman's contractual commitments to Farmfoods force him to quit as head judge, the cash-strapped Beeb will inexplicably replace him with the woman from the SCS furniture adverts. The show is pulled after she awards Timmy Mallett's series-opening rumba a score of £399.99 and then declares that none of the dancers will have to pay a penny until the summer of 2017.
In a last, desperate bid to regain its audience share, the BBC launches Neighbours Under the Hammer, arguably its most controversial piece of programming to date. Each week, the show's producers enter a different council estate and spray-paint the words 'paedo scum lives here' onto a communal rubbish bin, before depositing a box of hammers nearby, and secretly filming the results.
The BBC initially defends the programme as a "thought-provoking social experiment" but after the death toll reaches three figures, it concedes it should simply have put on more Top Gear repeats instead.
How to stay safe: The hammer-proof clothing range from George at Asda, starting from £11.99.
5. Sharks
Fed up at media scare stories that exaggerate the risk they pose to beachgoers, sharks will decide in 2016 that they may as well live up to their reputation and kill as many humans as they can.
In June, a Bull Shark will discover how to survive on land, and will eat most of Leicester. The government will call an emergency Cobra meeting, but few of the cobras turn up because they are also afraid of sharks. The crisis will drag on throughout the year, because nobody in Whitehall has Richard Dreyfuss' number, and Roy Scheider and Robert Shaw are both dead.
How to stay safe: Follow the guidance outlined in the nature documentary Deep Blue Sea, and carry exposed electrical wire with you at all times.
6. Zoella
In August, pranksters will spike a glass of Vimto belonging to popular fashion vlogger Zoella with mind-bending Absinthe. Temporarily befuddled, Zoella will post a video to her You Tube channel declaring the only way girls will look pretty is if they repeatedly staple gun their faces. 18,000 girls are admitted to accident and emergency departments in the hours that follow. David Cameron makes an emergency appearance on This Morning to announce that the threat of further Zoella vlogs has been raised from 'substantial' to 'severe'. He urges people to retreat to their Anderson shelter, or stop going on You Tube, whichever seems easier.
How to stay safe: Press Ctrl + Alt + Delete, then under Applications, find Zoella, and then click End Now.
7. Online bullying
This will be the year that cyber bullying stops being seen as a grave challenge for society and instead becomes a national pastime. Popular TV shows like How I Trolled Your Mother, 10 Ways to Cyber-Cripple Your Kids, and Mary Berry's Great British Emojis will give Britons useful tips on how to be cruel to others digitally.
How to stay safe: You can't. Somewhere out there, right now, somebody is digitally manipulating a photograph of you innocently stroking a kitten to make it look less innocent. Minimise the damage by convincing the world that you are in on the joke, and that you think every cruel slight on your character is rofl-worthy.
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