A trip to the garage

If you're having car trouble, you may be thinking of taking your vehicle to a "garage". But what happens at these mysterious premises? In the latest in our series of educational features on things that happen in the world, our motoring correspondent Clifton Vroom explains the 12 stages of a typical visit to your friendly local garage.

1. You notice your windscreen wipers are only operating intermittently. It doesn't seem too serious, but it's been raining a bit lately so you decide it's probably best to get the problem looked at by your local garage.

2. You phone up for an appointment. Days and times that suit you are unavailable, so you have to skip work/postpone your hot air balloon ride/cancel your life-saving surgery – to fit in with the garage’s hectic schedule.

     3.  When you arrive, you notice there are no customers, but lots of men in overalls who ignore you for several minutes, until every last itch on their arse has been scratched.

      
                
    4.   When you finally get the attention of a mechanic and explain the problem, his look tells you it’s going to take the skills of a £450-an-hour auto-genius to fix your never-before-seen defect. 

   

    
    5. You ask when your car will be ready for collection, but are told the parts needed are only available from a country embroiled in a bitter civil war, meaning they could take months to arrive. 

  

                     
    

          
    6. You ask for a rough idea of how

        much the work will cost, but the friendly 

        mechanic tells you he hasn’t a clue, as if he’s never fixed a fucking car before.

   

                       

    

     7.   Half an hour after leaving, you get a call from the garage telling you they’ve discovered another problem – your engine’s the wrong colour and needs an urgent respray.

     
   
     8. You ignore the sniggering you can hear in the background, which is definitely not a sign they've twigged you know absolutely fuck-all about cars and that they're about to rinse you of every penny you've got. 

          

     9.  Finally, after the Earth has enjoyed a couple more appearances from Halley’s Comet, your car is ready for collection.

      

   

     
    10.  When you get to the garage, the guy at the till dusts off the extra large calculator which is only used to work out bills as big as yours.       

11.  After selling your house, all your belongings and the ugliest of your children, you’re ready to pay the bill. 

12. As you drive off, you hear a beeping sound. Don’t worry, it isn’t your car breaking down! Instead, it's a text from the garage, reminding you your MOT is due to expire in 11 minutes so you’re not going anywhere. Non Voyage!