Dog retires after epic lawn-shitting mission

A dog has retired to the sofa after completing his mission to shit on every lawn in Britain.

Nigel, a 52-year-old dachshund, has spent the past few years curling one out on gardens across the country.

His journey has seen him make territorial inroads into the traditionally Whippet-dominated heartlands of the North.

Alongside his prolific pooing campaign, Nigel has spent the past five years barking for a referendum on whether cats should disappear up a tree.

Last month's 'Yes' vote has led to calls for a points-based system to decide which kinds of animal will be allowed near dogs in future, and has also led to every creature in the animal kingdom – from rabbits to hippos – hating each other intensely.

Speaking while loosening his bowels on a Buckinghamshire country estate, Nigel said: "I've done my bit. I've given dogs a bad name. I've stunk out the whole country and I've pissed off the entire animal kingdom, so that even animals that used to like each other, like hamsters and budgies, can't even look at each other anymore."

He added: "I'll still be smelly, loud and generally dreadful, but I'll now be all of those things indoors."