The Ugly Truth picks England's new football manager

A man who once missed a penalty and then advertised pizza is the bookmakers’ favourite to become the next manager of the England football team.

Gareth Southgate, who describes himself on his LinkedIn profile as “an enthusiastic, ambitious and forward-focussed Gareth”, is likely to receive a £5m-a-year contract and all the Subbuteo players he can handle.

Former manager Roy Hodgson resigned following England’s 2-1 defeat to Iceland at the European Championships. 

At a press conference afterwards, Hodgson told journalists he didn’t know why he was there or what medication he was supposed to be taking, and in what order.

Mmmm...pizza 

Southgate’s career highlights include a starring role as a man with a bag over his head in a Pizza Hut advert in the mid-90s. He also played 57 times for England.

Some have questioned his suitability for the England manager’s job, however.

Southgate’s managerial experience has been limited to running a crèche for the children of England’s players during Euro 2016, where he read them bedtime stories such as How The Tiger Got Its Stripes and How Gareth Got His UEFA A Licence.

Wot 'Arry thinks 

Harry Redknapp, who has been parked in a layby for the past three years hoping journalists will approach him, told an off-duty Daily Mirror reporter that England should look at other options, such as Sam Allardyce, the late Sir Bobby Robson, or the Wealdstone Raider.

Glenn Hoddle, who led England to the World Cup finals in France in 1998, is another serious contender.

Records don’t go back that far, but it is believed England must have won the tournament, or at least reached the final, or there would be no reason for him to be linked with the job a second time.

Saxy football

From what little we do know, however, it is clear that Hoddle’s reign was marred by controversy. His decision to select saxophonist Kenny G at the base of a diamond formation puzzled pundits. 

He was also pilloried by the press for suggesting that Michael Owen was not a natural goalscorer, and for arguing that Paul Scholes deserved to be played out of position as punishment for sins in a past life. 

Hoddle was finally sacked after trying to forcibly baptise Darren Anderton in a Macedonian loo after the midfielder misplaced a pass.

In other developments…..

   

• FA chief executive Martin Glenn has clarified what he does know, after admitting at a press conference: “I’m no football expert”. Glenn said in a statement that he can do some Sudoku puzzles and a little bit of DIY, and knows a smattering of French

• Gary Cahill has described how his girlfriend was finally able to help him understand the offside rule by using kitchen condiments. “It’s great,” said Cahill, “although I still don’t really understand why there would be so many pepper grinders on the pitch at the same time."

• Joe Hart has accepted his share of the blame for England’s exit after a series of blunders. He told Gabby Logan: “My hair is so clean, so very, very clean. Would you like to touch it?”

• All the tired, re-hashed clichés journalists are using to explain England’s repeated footballing failures are to be turned into a festive stocking-filler. ‘Why we need a root-and-branch review of grass roots winter breaks and overpaid prima donnas who aren’t fit to wear the shirt’ will be available in all good skips 

• England’s entire Euro 2016 campaign was actually an advert for Paddy Power, the bookmaker has revealed. A spokesman said: “Everybody loved our irreverent humour, from Joe Hart’s fumbles to the final joke where England crashed out to a group of part-time whale watchers.”