Barcelona to spend €222m Neymar fee on hospitals and orphans

Barcelona have confirmed the massive transfer fee they will receive from the sale of Brazilian striker Neymar will be spent on placating do-gooders.

Every single cent of the €222m the Spanish giants will net when the 25-year-old joins Paris Saint-Germain will be handed over to good causes, in a move intended to annoy people who enjoy complaining about the massive sums of money involved in football on social media.

Barcelona president Josep Maria Bartomeu said: “We’d drawn up a list of transfer targets to replace Neymar: Coutinho, Sanchez, Mbappe, Gareth Barry, all the usual names, and then we thought, no, fuck it.

“We figured that right now, an army of bleeding-heart softies are probably spilling their macchiatos in their rush to tweet about how that money could pay for x number of schools or hospitals, so that’s what we’re doing.”

The move is in stark contrast to the intentions of Neymar himself, who has pledged to spend his rumoured €30m-a-year salary on a torture chamber stacked with guns, knives, drugs, chemical weapons, tanks and nunchucks.

Bartomeu continued: “We’re going to build four hospitals across the Catalonia region and a massive orphanage next to the Nou Camp, where thousands of rosy-cheeked ragamuffins can wrap up warm in cosy blankets, drinking hearty soup served by kind-hearted and adequately recompensed staff.

“Then, once we’ve done that, we’re going to turn the Nou Camp itself into a vegan amphitheatre. We don’t even know what that is – that’s how committed we are to doing the right thing by those people.

“And do you know what? I bet you they still won’t be happy.”

Anthropology student Portia Christie-Blake responded to Barcelona’s announcement by tweeting: “It’s a start, but if these footballers really cared about anybody other than themselves, they’d use all their trophies to scoop out dirty floodwater from people’s homes before sacrificing their bodies for medical research.”