Only 7% of disasters fixed by person who caused them – study finds

People who get into a mess may not be the best people to get out of it – a study of more than 1,000 colossal fuck-ups has found.

Researchers from the University of Southampton discovered only 7% of disasters are fixed by the person who caused them. The findings cast doubt on Theresa May’s claim that she will sort out the chaos caused by her decision to hold a snap General Election.

Professor Leighton Fenwick, who led the study, said: “When we heard our Prime Minister say that because she got us into this mess, she would get us out of it, we all breathed a huge sigh of relief.

“However, one of our junior research assistants pointed out that it’s counterintuitive to suggest that someone who’s just made a massive mistake is going to be great at fixing it. Then somebody else piped up that in Fireman Sam, the little arse-wipe Norman is always causing fires but he’s never the one that saves the day.”

Prof Fenwick’s team then decided to analyse how those responsible for other serious blunders over the years have dealt with them.

Their study found that:

•  Gavrilo Princip, who sparked World War One by assassinating Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria, played no role in the signing of the Treaty of Versailles which formally ended the war
• Dennis Nedry, the computer programmer who allowed all the dinosaurs to escape in Jurassic Park, made no attempt to switch the park’s security systems back on before he was killed by a Dilophosaurus
• The parents of John Terry, having conceived one of the worst ever humans, made no attempt to abandon him in a forest as a child

Prof Fenwick said these examples were part of a broader pattern, where people who make huge mistakes are rarely able to put them right.

He added: “There are a few exceptions to the rule – for example, Alex Ferguson brought Eric Djemba-Djemba to Manchester United, but he was also the one who sold him.

“However, these instances are very rare indeed. We would therefore urge Mrs May to think carefully before going ahead and trying to fix the current political crisis on her own.

“Although having said that, short of retiring to a nunnery, I’ve no idea what else she’s supposed to do. Maybe she could cobble some kind of solution together using a bit of Phillip Hammond, one of the wacky DUP fellas and some sticky back plastic.”