Leveson puts Hugh Grant in charge of media

LORD Leveson will put Hugh Grant in charge of the media tomorrow, the Ugly Truth can reveal.

We have been leaked a copy of Leveson's long-awaited report into press standards, in which he names the Nine Months star the sole arbiter of what we read, watch and listen to.

Grant's powers will be phased in over the coming weeks.

Tomorrow, the Press Complaints Commission will be abolished and Grant will become regulator of all UK publications, from The Sun to Oral Hygiene Monthly.

He will be given the power to replace any articles about himself or his friends with pictures of kittens.

Next week, he will become leader writer for all broadsheets and tabloids, and is expected to use this privilege to tell readers every morning what a delight it was to work with Richard Curtis.

Finally, Grant, who was noshed off by a tart around 20 years ago, will receive the keys to Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre's Jaguar on Christmas morning.

In the leaked report, Leveson reveals he rejected demands by News Corporation chairman Rupert Murdoch to keep self-regulation of the press.

Murdoch claimed the problem of false, intrusive, insensitive and defamatory newspaper articles could be addressed by using a cuddlier font.

Generic article on Middle East crisis

ISRAEL is lightening the gloom in the Middle East by turning its deadly air strikes on Gaza into a series of humorous nightly podcasts.

The 10-minute recordings, available on iTunes, feature the best of each day's explosions, accompanied by quirky commentary from Karl Pilkington.

Palestinian militant group Hamas has responded by turning its rocket attacks on Israel and its brutal executions of alleged Israeli informants into a two-hour long audiobook, narrated by Ulrika Jonsson.

BREAKING NEWS: Chelsea sack Di Matteo's replacement

CHELSEA are to unveil - and sack - their new manager this afternoon following the dismissal earlier of Roberto Di Matteo.

The Italian was given his marching orders after failing to turn base metal into gold and for having a bit of a weasel face.

Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich is to hold a press conference at 3pm on board a private jet at Heathrow Airport.

There, he will unveil Rafa Benitez as the new manager, before sacking him for failing to make it nice and warm outside.

Benitez will then be flown to a quiet island to grieve.

A Chelsea spokesman said in a statement: "We'd like to thank Rafa for his dedicated service over many, many seconds.

"The club feels the time is right for a change as Roman is quite frankly, bored shitless with life at the moment."

The spokesman told journalists they could save time by using that same statement whenever necessary in coming months, replacing the word Rafa with Jose, Harry, Fabio, Guus and Pep, as appropriate.

Commiserations, it's a cunt!

A NEW pregnancy kit will tell a mother if her unborn child is worth having.

Current technology can only reveal whether a woman is pregnant but a new handheld device hitting shelves next month will go a step further.

Developed by Johnson and Johnson, MamaMia will turn blue if a woman is not pregnant, pink if she is, and orange if her child will turn into a right shit.

Maurice Horfield, head of fiendish technology at Johnson and Johnson, said: “Surveys suggest that 75% of parents are fond of their children but we aim to make that figure closer to 100% in future.

“Speaking personally, I have three wonderful daughters and the thought of being without them doesn't bear thinking about.

“But my son, Kevin, I could quite happily do without.”

Critics have suggested the technology could reduce the UK birthrate to zero by 2014.

And Brian Harrington, managing director of leading card manufacturer UK Greetings, said: “This is a potentially worrying development for the greetings card industry.

“While we might see a small lift in sales of 'Congratulations, it's a boy!' and 'Congratulations, it's a girl!' cards, we expect to see the market flat-line for 'Commiserations, it's a cunt!'