We have been leaked a copy of Leveson's long-awaited report into press standards, in which he names the Nine Months star the sole arbiter of what we read, watch and listen to.
Grant's powers will be phased in over the coming weeks.
Tomorrow, the Press Complaints Commission will be abolished and Grant will become regulator of all UK publications, from The Sun to Oral Hygiene Monthly.
He will be given the power to replace any articles about himself or his friends with pictures of kittens.
Next week, he will become leader writer for all broadsheets and tabloids, and is expected to use this privilege to tell readers every morning what a delight it was to work with Richard Curtis.
Finally, Grant, who was noshed off by a tart around 20 years ago, will receive the keys to Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre's Jaguar on Christmas morning.
In the leaked report, Leveson reveals he rejected demands by News Corporation chairman Rupert Murdoch to keep self-regulation of the press.
Murdoch claimed the problem of false, intrusive, insensitive and defamatory newspaper articles could be addressed by using a cuddlier font.
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