The Italian was given his marching orders after failing to turn base metal into gold and for having a bit of a weasel face.
Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich is to hold a press conference at 3pm on board a private jet at Heathrow Airport.
There, he will unveil Rafa Benitez as the new manager, before sacking him for failing to make it nice and warm outside.
Benitez will then be flown to a quiet island to grieve.
A Chelsea spokesman said in a statement: "We'd like to thank Rafa for his dedicated service over many, many seconds.
"The club feels the time is right for a change as Roman is quite frankly, bored shitless with life at the moment."
The spokesman told journalists they could save time by using that same statement whenever necessary in coming months, replacing the word Rafa with Jose, Harry, Fabio, Guus and Pep, as appropriate.
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