Farage’s Britain: What’s next?

Here's a look ahead to all the exciting things coming our way post-Brexit!

• No longer forced to pay into the EU, Britons will grow rich beyond their wildest dreams. Most will choose to use that money to join their new saviour Nigel Farage at the bar, where they will queue for hours to buy delicious, warm British lagers like Carling. Others will spend their money on a plane ticket for their Polish plumber, so he can come back and finish fixing their toilet

• Freed from the oppressive burden of EU regulation, British penises will grow to extraordinary lengths, dwarfing their continental counterparts. Similarly, our women’s breasts will swell to the size of netballs. Indeed, our people will become such perfect physical specimens that next year’s FHM 100 Sexiest Women will just be a photo of the ladies queuing outside Greggs in Middlesbrough at 8am

• Britain’s exit from the EU will be good news for the Queen, who is now guaranteed to live to 170. Her existence had been threatened by barmy EU rules, which were set to force God to split his time equally between saving the heads of states of all 28 EU members. The development proves a blow to other European leaders however, with the presidents of Croatia, Cyprus and Malta all being killed by lightning strikes

• Under a tough new points-based immigration system, net immigration is reduced from the hundreds of thousands to four. The only people lucky enough to meet the new criteria are: Nobel Prize-winning chemist Tomas Lindahl, Thierry Henry, St Francis of Assisi and sexy tennis player Ana Ivanovic

• It’s not long, though, before the public start demanding the removal of more layers of government. It’s soon agreed that nobody will have to pay taxes anymore, but they will have to tarmac their roads as they go along, and perform any required surgery on themselves, having first put themselves under general anaesthetic.