The war, which began in 1971 when somebody started selling Calpol from the back of a van without a permit, ended at around 6am today when the last remaining drugs were thrown into the sea.
General Sir Malcolm Fishponds, who led the War on Drugs, said: "We received a fax from heroin shortly after midnight, announcing its surrender.
"Shortly afterwards, Methylenedioxymethamphetamine issued a statement on its website to confirm that it would be withdrawing from the conflict, and turning itself into talcum powder.
"We are delighted to report that there are no longer any drugs, not even the good ones that stop your children getting ill.
"This has been a long struggle, and over these past decades we have had to fight off not just the drugs themselves, but also the ludicrous claims from our opponents that this was an un-winnable war."
Sir Malcolm said he and his colleagues would celebrate their triumph by drinking the strongest vodka they could find and enjoying a range of legal highs.
A spokesman for drugs said: "We put up a good battle but in the end the clear strategic thinking of our opponents was too much for us. Congratulations to them - they were the better team."
Elsewhere, the War on Terror is expected to be concluded before this evening's episode of Pointless on BBC One at 5.15pm. Authorities have surrounded the last remaining terror in a fishing village in Cornwall and have cut off its supplies of fish, chips and lager and lime.
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