Scientists hail breakthrough as cyclist stops at zebra crossing

A cyclist has made history by becoming the first member of his species to successfully bring a bike to a halt at a pedestrian crossing.

Dozens of stunned onlookers watched as the cyclist – a fully mature adult male – pulled off the manoeuvre at a zebra crossing in central Bristol this morning. Mobile phone footage of the incident has already been watched 11 million times on YouTube.

Over the years, there have been isolated instances of cyclists managing to stop at crossings in laboratory conditions, but this is believed to be the first time the feat has been achieved in the wild. 

Scientists have long theorised that cyclists have evolved in a way that makes it impossible for them to detect the white and black markings of a zebra crossing.

Helen Montgomery, a professor of Lycrapology at the University of Glasgow, who has spent three decades studying cyclists in their natural habitat, said: “In homo sapiens, the left side of the brain is responsible for logical functions, such as solving mathematical problems, while the right side of the brain performs more creative tasks.

“With cyclists, however, both sides of the brain concentrate on being reckless, self-absorbed and superior.”

Responding to this morning’s incident, Prof Montgomery said: “It is too early to say if this was an accident or if we are genuinely moving towards a new epoch in the evolution of the cyclist species. However, it is certainly an interesting development, and one which warrants further study and further research.”

Others were less circumspect.

Dr James Lincoln, an expert in pedals, chains and water bottles at Keele University, said: “I have watched the footage of the incident a number of times and I am in no doubt that the cyclist was fully cognisant that he was approaching a potential danger zone, and that the most appropriate course of action would be to apply the brakes in order to avoid a collision with the pedestrians in his path.

“This really could be a breakthrough in our understanding of how cyclists’ brains work, and how they interpret different stimuli.

“With further research, we may one day be able to understand other phenomena, such as why cyclists ride on pavements and only ring their bell to warn you of their presence when they are less than a metre behind you.”

A team of researchers headed to Bristol to try to capture the cyclist involved in this morning’s incident.

They had hoped to put him through a series of tests to determine if he was anatomically different from others of his species. However, he evaded his captors and is believed to have escaped to a nearby velodrome.

4pm Finish Day – what does it mean to you?

Millions of Britons will be finishing work at 4pm today – giving them just seven hours to sit at their desks Googling things to do at the weekend instead of the usual eight.

An energy drinks firm has passed new legislation making today 4pm Finish Day, in a move designed to promote workplace productivity and encourage people to drink more taurine.

Some have raised concerns, however, that the foreshortened working day could leave employees struggling to complete all of their usual Friday tasks, such as looking up holidays they’d never be able to afford and hiding in the kitchen.

The Ugly Truth has travelled the length of Britain to find out how workers who work in workplaces are adjusting to the early finish.

Jessica, 27, from Rotherham: “Normally by mid-morning, I’d have had three coffees and trawled all of twitter to find out who Taylor Swift doesn’t like anymore, but today I’ve only had time for two coffees.”

Brian, 52, from King's Lynn: “When you've got less time, the key is to prioritise the most important tasks. So today, I’m only going to cyber stalk the five prettiest girls from my old secondary school, instead of the top ten.”

Alan, 43, from Leeds: “I will typically start a Friday shift by putting my work phone on silent and spending a couple of quiet hours looking up new soup recipes, and then maybe an hour or two Googling what happened to the cast members of old soaps like Eldorado.  I guess this probably makes me a terrible paramedic, but I’m not going to have time to do any of these things now anyway, thanks to 4pm Finish Day.”

Theresa, 60, from London: “I normally spend Fridays in a quiet room thinking about how I can make already bad situations much, much worse. I guess this probably makes me a terrible Prime Minister, but I don’t see 4pm Finish Day changing things much.”

Met Office signs deal for 21 more deadly storms

Weather killjoys have confirmed they will once again be subjecting Britain to nearly as many storms as there are letters of the alphabet. 

Met Office despots have announced there will be 21 storms in 2017/18* – the same number as last year – with each one named using a different letter of the alphabet, starting with Storm Aileen. 

The news comes despite recent opinion polls which show that 76% of people disapproved of last year's storms, which included Storm Angus, Storm Doris and Storm Ivor. 

The Ugly Truth caught up with some opponents of storms to get their reaction.

Brian Perryman, 76, who lost his caravan in Storm Doris, said: "I can't believe they're doing more storms. Why? What good did the last lot do? When we reached the end of the alphabet last year, I thought 'at least I can go out and buy a new caravan now', but what's the point if we're just going to get more storms again this year?"

Agatha Featherstone, 68, who lost both knees in Storm Fleur, said: "I want to know how much this is all going to cost. The money we're wasting on new storms could be spent building new schools, or finding my knees." 

Ray Attwell, 58, who lost his virginity in Storm Barbara, said: "If the number of storms has to be based on the size of the alphabet, then why don't we use an alphabet with fewer letters than ours? 

"We could have gone with the Greek alphabet, or one of those even more foreigny ones that have only got about three letters."

The Met Office's Head of Bad Weather, Jefferson Outrage, confirmed the decision to manufacture a further 21 storms was designed purely to hurt people's feelings. 

"This year's storms are going to shit all over last year's," he said. "Wait till you see Storm Octavia. Going to the shops is going to feel like being waterboarded."

*For reasons that experts are too tired to explain, the letters Q, U, X, Y and Z aren't considered cool enough to deserve a storm. 

Personal trainer completes sentence without using the word 'protein'

A personal trainer from Bristol has smashed a key training goal – by getting through an entire sentence without using the word 'protein'. 

Dan Jenkinson, 28, achieved the feat during a conversation outside his gym in Clifton this morning. 

Jenkinson explained: "Protein is an important part of my diet, but it's also an important part of my vocabulary. I will typically use the word protein at least three or four times in each sentence, usually as a way of conveying the importance of eating lots of protein in order to ensure you are getting enough protein to achieve a protein-rich diet.

"However, I've always wondered whether it would be possible to complete a sequence of interconnected words without mentioning protein, and this morning I found out. 

"I'd gone outside to get some fresh air and generally look tough and lean, when this guy approached me and asked if I knew where Sainsbury's was. 

"I explained that lifting heavy weights isn't necessarily the key to strengthening your core, and that you can achieve great results by doing lots of exercises using your own body weight, such as squats and planking. I added that a balanced diet is also crucial, and that it is important to drink lots of fluids and avoid eating too many carbohydrates, particularly for your evening meal.

"It was only after he'd walked off shaking his head that I realised I hadn't said the word protein at all. 

"Then, a few minutes later, it happened again. An elderly woman grabbed my arm and asked me to call an ambulance, while pointing at an old man lying still on the pavement.

"I told her that it's really important to ensure you're working as many different muscle groups as possible when training, and that if you only work your arms or pectorals, for example, you could put yourself at greater risk of injury.

"At this point, she started screaming hysterically. I can only assume it was because she was struggling to understand why I hadn't mentioned protein yet."

Jenkinson is not the only personal trainer to have recorded a remarkable achievement today. 

His colleague, 25-year-old Jake Fuller, managed to complete this morning's shift without flirting with any of the female members of his gym, or touching any of them in a borderline inappropriate way under the guise of helping them to do a particular stretch. 

"I found myself just wanting to give them helpful advice about how they could get fitter and stronger," said Fuller. "For the first time ever, I didn't feel the need to touch their legs or back for an unnecessarily long period of time while talking them through a new stretch or exercise. It was a weird feeling, but strangely rewarding," he added.

Trump gives $1million to flooded Sharleen Spiteri

Donald Trump has donated $1million to Scottish rock band Texas, after hearing about the devastating impact of Hurricane Harvey. 

Tweeting from the eighth tee of one of his underground golf courses, the President wrote: “I just heard on the news that 800,000 people in Texas have been evacuated. I had no idea the band was that big. So sad.”

The President said his donation would provide bottled water, blankets, amplifiers and extension leads for the stricken pop rockers.

“When the waters recede @texastheband, come down from that tree you’re stuck up and play at the White House #saywhatyouwant #indemand #blackeyedboy” he tweeted.

The President then announced he would spend the rest of the day watching The Bodyguard out of respect for flood victims in the city of Whitney Houston.

Barcelona to spend €222m Neymar fee on hospitals and orphans

Barcelona have confirmed the massive transfer fee they will receive from the sale of Brazilian striker Neymar will be spent on placating do-gooders.

Every single cent of the €222m the Spanish giants will net when the 25-year-old joins Paris Saint-Germain will be handed over to good causes, in a move intended to annoy people who enjoy complaining about the massive sums of money involved in football on social media.

Barcelona president Josep Maria Bartomeu said: “We’d drawn up a list of transfer targets to replace Neymar: Coutinho, Sanchez, Mbappe, Gareth Barry, all the usual names, and then we thought, no, fuck it.

“We figured that right now, an army of bleeding-heart softies are probably spilling their macchiatos in their rush to tweet about how that money could pay for x number of schools or hospitals, so that’s what we’re doing.”

The move is in stark contrast to the intentions of Neymar himself, who has pledged to spend his rumoured €30m-a-year salary on a torture chamber stacked with guns, knives, drugs, chemical weapons, tanks and nunchucks.

Bartomeu continued: “We’re going to build four hospitals across the Catalonia region and a massive orphanage next to the Nou Camp, where thousands of rosy-cheeked ragamuffins can wrap up warm in cosy blankets, drinking hearty soup served by kind-hearted and adequately recompensed staff.

“Then, once we’ve done that, we’re going to turn the Nou Camp itself into a vegan amphitheatre. We don’t even know what that is – that’s how committed we are to doing the right thing by those people.

“And do you know what? I bet you they still won’t be happy.”

Anthropology student Portia Christie-Blake responded to Barcelona’s announcement by tweeting: “It’s a start, but if these footballers really cared about anybody other than themselves, they’d use all their trophies to scoop out dirty floodwater from people’s homes before sacrificing their bodies for medical research.”