"So, how was your weekend?"

"How was your weekend? Get up to much?”

Unless you work from home, the chances are you’ll have asked your colleagues this question at least 10 times so far today.

What you probably won’t have done is think of a single follow-up question when they reply with “nothing much, had a fairly quiet one.”

As a recent survey by the Institute of Irrelevance at Manchester Metropolitan University revealed, 86% of workplace conversations on a Monday morning end with one of the participants faking a seizure because they can’t think of anything to say.

To address this crisis, the Ugly Truth has come up with 7 questions guaranteed to keep a conversation flowing.

1. Did you get caught up in that accident?

This question should be a staple of all Monday morning office conversations. Its primary advantage is that it gives your colleagues the impression that you take at least a passing interest in their day-to-day routine, and perhaps even their wellbeing.

Their most likely response is “No, where was that?” This will give you a chance to weave a tale of overturned cars, flashing sirens and five-mile tailbacks. Be prepared for curveballs like, “No, I walk into work so luckily I never get caught up in traffic.” This is where you have to use your imagination. Claim that the accident involved a pedestrian being thrown 50 feet in the air by an exploding pavement, or a large piece of falling scaffolding squashing an entire primary school majorette troupe.

2. What did you think of the sports?

A great question to ask if the colleague you’re addressing is a sporty type. These days, there are over three different types of sport, ranging from football to American football – and many sporting events take place on weekends, so the chances are there’ll be some sport for them to comment on.

If your luck’s out, they might reply with “What sports?” In this scenario, respond by pretending you actually said “What did you think of the sprouts?” in order to start an even more rewarding conversation about vegetables.

3. Sad about that celebrity, wasn’t it?

2016 will forever be remembered as the year that 37% of all celebrities died. But even today, famous people are dying left, right and centre, so this question is a fairly safe bet. If your colleague replies that they hadn’t heard the news, and enquires whose death you were referring to, reply with: “The nice one with the kind eyes,” and then slowly walk away, gently shaking your head and muttering a barely audible “so sad”. 

4. Are you going to the big meeting later?

This teaser will not only fill your colleague with dread, but more importantly, it will likely generate a counter-question along the lines of, “No, was there an email about it?” This will give you all the ammunition you need to eke out a further two minutes of chat. 

Possible follow-up lines could include: “Yeah, apparently they’re going to reveal who’s been leaving the milk out and make them do a Game of Thrones walk of shame through the office” OR “I’m only joking, there is no big meeting later. It was this morning and you missed it, so if you want the exact details of your redundancy, you’d best go and speak to HR.”

5. Would you rather eat strawberry-flavoured poo, or poo-flavoured strawberries?

Keep this one up your sleeve for the office philosophers. If you ever overhear a colleague saying anything along the lines of: “If I was stuck on a desert island…” or “If I won the lottery…”, you’ve stumbled upon the kind of dreamer who’ll appreciate this line of questioning. Other variants could include “would you rather be stuck in a lift with a flatulent dog, or an entire Ed Sheeran album?”

6. Did you hear something?

Technically, this question is less designed to keep a conversation flowing and more of a device to stop it in its tracks. If you’re in the kitchen, pretend you’ve heard a sound coming from the direction of the fridge, microwave, or any other appliance that’s at least a few yards away. After walking over to the appliance to investigate, say that you must have imagined the sound, and carry on back to your desk.

7. Have you always had that mole?

Again, this question is something of a last resort, for those occasions where you really don’t want a conversation to develop any further. When your colleague replies with ‘what mole?’, you should gesture that the mark in question is on the back of their neck.

The advantage of this approach is that your colleague will almost certainly retreat to the toilets to check it out. And, because the imaginary mark they’re looking for is on their neck, they’ll struggle to get a proper look until they get home and use a second mirror. Should they bring up the issue tomorrow after discovering there is no mole, simply say that they misheard, and that what you actually said was “Has that necklace always been there?”

DISCLAIMER: Asking any question of anybody carries an inherent degree of risk. The Ugly Truth accepts no responsibility for the loss of employment and social standing that may result from asking any of the questions published above.