Queen's sexual thrill during Martin McGuinness handshake

THE Queen has reportedly described her handshake with Sinn Fein's Martin McGuinness as a “moment of spine-tingling sexual magic”.

The meeting between Her Majesty and Mr McGuinness had been hailed as a deeply symbolic gesture, and a sign of the political advances in Northern Ireland over the last ten years.

But instead, all the talk afterwards was about the overt sexual chemistry between the pair.

The BBC's Ireland correspondent Mark Simpson said: “When they clapped eyes on each other, it was like a cruise-liner full of fireworks going off at once.

“And then the handshake........well let's just say it was all they could do not to go and book a room at Premier Inn on the spot.”

At an evening reception in Stormont, the Queen was seen twirling her hair and making furtive glances towards Mr McGuinness.

At around 9pm, she retired to her private quarters, complaining of an upset chin.

Fifteen minutes later, Mr McGuinness made his excuses, distractedly telling a colleague that he had to “water his desk”.

Neither of them were seen until breakfast the following morning, when, according to sources close to the grapefruit juice, the Queen appeared flushed and Mr McGuinness “had a grin the size of Belfast”.

A Buckingham Palace spokeswoman denied there was any romantic relationship between Her Majesty and Northern Ireland's Deputy First Minister.

The spokeswoman said: “They are merely good friends.

“Very, very good friends,” she added with a naughty laugh.

Just £6 a month could clear Greece of vomit

THEY have blocked your path on every high street, wearing their cheery grins and clipboards, and requesting only a moment of your time and all of your bank details.

Usually though, these direct approach fundraisers – or 'chuggers', as they prefer to be known – are bothering you because they want you to help Mend The Children or save the Peruvian dancing sloth from extinction.

From tomorrow, though, everything is going to change.

With the backing of all the eurozone members, a team of 30,000 chuggers will hit Britain's streets, taking direct debits from you – to bail out the Greek economy.

EU President Herman Van Rompuy explained: “Nobody wants to see Greece leave the eurozone. And nobody wants to see a chugger.

“But one or the other has to happen, and we've decided that for the good of the entire EU family, Britons are just going to have to put up with more dreadlocked numpties leaping in front of them outside HMV for a while longer.”

Mr Van Rompuy stressed Britain is not alone in sharing the burden of fixing Greece.

In Germany, a run of television adverts will begin next week, pleading with people to pour their cash down a different drain to normal, by giving to Greece.

The adverts, which have been scheduled for prime-time shows including At Home With Oliver Kahn and David Hasselhoff's Autobahn Adventure, tell viewers that donating just £2-a-month could help a Greek falafel maker buy enough chickpeas to feed a family of four for one hour, or that donating £6-a-month could keep the pavement outside a nightclub on the island of Kos clear of vomit for 25 minutes.

In France, meanwhile, the EU has funded a series of national newspaper adverts, offering readers the chance to sponsor former Newcastle United defender Nikos Dabizas.

Somewhere....out there....it's England 1 Italy 0

A TEAM of scientists has discovered that England's footballers won last night's match against Italy in just one out of the 4.5 billion known parallel universes.

In that single parallel dimension, England recorded 26% possession and scored the only goal of the game when Italy's Mario Balotelli fired into his own net in protest at his team-mate Gianluigi Buffon's poor taste in music.

England then successfully defended their goal using the Roman legionnaires' legendary testudo (toirtoise) defence (see picture, right) , which involved locking arms and forming an impenetrable barrier in front of Joe Hart's goal.

Professor Albert Heynckel, from the University of Zurich, led the study.

He said: “There is great diversity between the dimensions. For example, in one, the US Government is run by a colony of beavers and in another, there are three bands claiming to be the original One Direction, not two.

“But what's really remarkable from this study is that in not one single dimension do we see any evidence of England playing any football from the 20-minute mark onwards, nor of Ashley Young successfully passing to a team-mate.”

First we'll win Euro 2012, then find a cure for cancer

ENGLAND'S footballers will begin work on a cure for all known diseases within minutes of picking up the Euro 2012 trophy.

As a host of jingoistic figures from English history step forward to predict an England tournament triumph, it is understood Roy Hodgson's squad are preparing for their next major challenge.

A source close to Theo Walcott said: “Having bumbled our way out of the group stages, we were being quite calm in our expectations about the rest of the tournament.

“We'd felt we'd done quite well so far and beating Italy in the quarter-final would be a great achievement.

“But all that's changed since the media roped in every famous person ever born in England to publicly say we'll win the whole thing.

“Our expectations have risen accordingly.”

This morning, England's 1966 World Cup winning hero Sir Bobby Charlton said he believed that if England got past Italy, they would go on to win the tournament.

A raft of famous names have since joined the fray.

Anne of Cleeves, the fourth wife of King Henry VIII, told The Andrew Marr Show: “I believe England will beat Spain 4-1 in the final, and then there's no stopping them.

“Give Joleon Lescott 30 minutes with a napkin, and I fully expect him to have knocked up a workable peace plan for the whole of the Middle East.

“In fact, it'll be so good that everybody, regardless of their religion, will go 'oh yeah, why didn't I think of that!' and then fall about laughing.”

18th century Prime Minister William Pitt the Elder, writing in The People, said:

“After we've won the final, I think we should concentrate on either eradicating polio, or designing sofas so that coins, mobile phones and keys can't fall down the back of them.”

Over 42 million people are expected to gather in London's Trafalgar Square for the England squad's victorious homecoming parade on July 2; over half are likely to stay in the capital for the knighting of Glen Johnson, Leighton Baines and Jack Butland.

DISCLAIMER: The Ugly Truth accepts no responsibility for the meaninglessness of this article after England get knocked out by Italy this evening.

China's first woman astronaut reverses spaceship into asteroid

CHINA'S first female astronaut has crashed her spaceship into an asteroid while attempting a basic reverse parking manoeuvre this morning.

Liu Yang pranged the Shenzhou-9 craft into a 360,000-tonne lump of rock while trying to pull over to go for a wee.

China's space agency says Liu was put off by male astronauts in passing spaceships scrutinising her parking skills and making disparaging comments. Shenzhou-9 blasted off from the Gobi desert on Saturday, to further China's attempts to build its own space station.

But it has already travelled 4,000 light years in the wrong direction, because women can't read maps.

First Jimmy Carr, now Chuckle Brothers caught in tax storm

HE may be one of Britain's top funnymen but few were laughing when they read The Times' front page story this week about Jimmy Carr.

The paper revealed Mr Carr avoids paying any income tax by putting all his money on a buoy floating in the North Sea, tantalisingly outside of UK jurisdiction.

However, the Ugly Truth can reveal that he is by no means the only penny-pinching mirth-maker using means fair or foul to keep their vast fortune.

A source close to TV's Chuckle Brothers – aka Barry and Paul Elliott - has described how their accounting flair has helped them rob UK taxpayers of several million pounds over the years.

The source said: “People think they're idiots but trust me, these are two of the sharpest operators in the business.

“They have a number of ways of keeping hold of all of their cash, and coining in a fair bit more on the side.

“Firstly, they pay no income tax or corporation tax whatsoever, even though anybody who's watched ChuckleVision over the years will have seen them operating a thriving handyman business.

“Somehow they've managed to convince the Inland Revenue that they've never completed a single job to a satisfactory standard and have thus never been paid a penny.

“Secondly, they claim all kinds of benefits. Barry has managed to convince the authorities that he can't walk 30 yards without a custard pie finding his face or without him tripping on a landmine, so he gets Jobseeker's Allowance, Disability Living Allowance, the works.

“Plus, when all else fails, they just knock each other over with ladders and then get straight on the phone to First 4 Lawyers.

“It's ironic that their catchphrase is 'To Me, To You, when their attitude has always been 'To Me, To Me'.”

We have also discovered that Premier Inn's Lenny Henry avoids paying 95% of his income tax contributions by basing his jokes in Gran Canaria, the only place where anybody finds them funny.

Perhaps most scandalously of all, insurance salesman and part-time comic Paul Whitehouse has slashed his debt to the Treasury by having himself registered as a charity.

According to official Charity Commission documents, Mr Whitehouse is “a charitable organisation devoted to the furtherance of irritating impressions and generic Celtic accents.”

Prime Minister David Cameron has promised a widespread review into whether any of these people are funny.

PayWall crashes down as Wanko saves the day!

A message from The Ugly Truth creator Matthew Colledge

“Earlier today, I revealed to readers that due to the difficult environment in which all news media publishers are operating in, The Ugly Truth was to introduce a PayWall from July 1, to charge readers for access to our content.

The response since then has been overwhelming.

We have received nearly one whole email imploring us not to put up a PayWall, and to keep The Ugly Truth free for all.

Well, you have spoken and we have listened.

I am delighted to announce that after long and careful deliberation, we have decided we will no longer be introducing a PayWall.

The decision has partly been aided by the signing today of a four-year contract with our new corporate sponsors, Asian fashion chain Wanko.

Sun Jin Cho, chief executive of Wanko, said: “We are delighted to enter a new period of partnership and prosperity with The Ugly Truth.

“It is a website which shares our core values: truth, justice and fetching leggings at affordable prices.”

On behalf of The Ugly Truth, I would like to thank Mr Cho and Wanko for their support, which has helped to ensure that our content will remain free for all.

Hip Hip, Wanko!"

The new PayWall: an explanation

A message from The Ugly Truth creator Matthew Colledge

“Dear Readers, many of you will have seen rumours floating around the internet suggesting The Ugly Truth is to begin charging for access to its content.

I regret to inform you that these rumours are true.

Due to financial pressures affecting the global publishing economy, and in order to maintain the highest standards of news reporting from across the globe, The Ugly Truth is introducing a PayWall from July 1.

This is not a decision that has been taken lightly, but it is one we hope our loyal followers will understand.

The cost of accessing the site will be as follows.

£15 for one week

£50 for one month

£500 for one year

We will also be offering a range of promotions, offers and discounts in coming months.

Vowel fans are in for a treat as we are offering a 30% discount for anybody who buys a one-year package with all consonants removed from stories.

We are also offering four lucky readers a chance to get a one-week package ABSOLUTELY FREE, in our special reader competition.

Simply e-mail specialreadercompetition@theuglytruth.com, and tell us, in no more than 40,000 words, why our decision to charge you for reading our stories is absolutely fair enough and completely justified in the current economic climate.

Finally, I want to thank everybody who has supported The Ugly Truth over many, many days, and we wish you hours and hours of happy reading to come.”

Mickey the Malignant Tumour predicts England win

IF the defiant defensive display against the French wasn't enough, fans of English football have a new reason to believe their national side can go far in Euro 2012.

Because it's not only pundits who think England can beat Sweden on Friday – so does one of London Zoo's least cuddly tenants, Mickey the Malignant Tumour.

He is the latest in a long line of non-human members of the animal kingdom who have been called upon by zookeepers and the media to predict the results of major football matches since Paul the Octopus at the 2010 World Cup.

Before the England v France game, Mickey's minders at the zoo pinned microscopic England and France flags on to two healthy cells inside the body of a 72-year-old man suffering from lung cancer.

Zookeeper Paul Hampstead explained: “We wanted to see which of the two cells Mickey went for, the one with the England flag or the one with the French flag, but he devoured both of them straight away, meaning he had correctly predicted a draw.

“We were obviously really excited by this, so we decided to try this experiment again this morning, but this time with England and Sweden flags.

“We turned it into a bit of an event, and put the video feed from the pensioner's insides up onto a big screen outside the zoo cafe.

“Without any hesitation, Mickey went for the England cell, at which point the man basically died.

“A huge cheer went up and everybody started waving their England flags. I confess it brought a tear to my eye.”

Bookmakers William Hill, Ladbrokes and BetFred have since reported a surge of bets on England to win Friday's clash with Sweden.

But not everybody is convinced.

German media are today reporting that Ellie the E-Coli, a bacterium stored in a laboratory at the Free University of Berlin, has predicted a Sweden win.

Meanwhile, French daily newspaper Le Monde reports that Henri the H1N1 virus has forecast France and Ukraine will qualify from Group D.

Phil Neville: "Because I'm worth it"

MOST football fans will remember Mario Balotelli's 'Why Always Me?' t-shirt message. Many will also recall Robbie Fowler's printed words of support for sacked Liverpool dockers.

But how many can remember Phil Neville's 'Because I'm Worth It' slogan?

It is one of thousands of previously unseen t-shirt messages which will be featured at the new National Football Museum in Manchester when it opens on July 6.

The collection features a vast range of political and personal messages which were never unveiled during Premier League matches because the t-shirt wearers failed to score a goal.

The list includes:

“Mum, I forgot to record The Archers” - worn by Mick Quinn for Coventry City against Wimbledon in November 1992

“I don't know what an iron is” - Ray Parlour, Arsenal v West Ham United, March 1996

“Let's have cross-party, Pan-European political consensus on North Sea fishing quotas” James Beattie, Southampton v Fulham, December 2001

“Because I'm worth it” - Phil Neville, Manchester United v Middlesbrough, April 2002

“I'm parked in a disabled bay and I fuckin luv it” - Joey Barton, Newcastle United v Everton, February 2008.

One of the museum's permanent exhibits will be Fulham goalkeeper Mark Schwarzer, who will tell visitors how an ill-advised t-shirt message eventually led to the breakdown of his long-term relationship.

Ahead of the exhibition's launch, Mr Schwarzer told The Ugly Truth: “Just after I joined Middlesbrough in 1997, I decided I wanted to find an original and romantic way to propose to my girlfriend, so I wore a t-shirt underneath my goalkeeper's vest which said 'Carly, will you marry me?'.

“I wore the t-shirt at every match for 14 years but unfortunately I never really got into a goalscoring position, so I didn't have the chance to go through with the proposal.

“Carly left me for Brad Friedel last July,” he added.

Prince Philip tweets updates on bladder infection

PRINCE Philip has responded to public concern about his health by tweeting updates on his bladder infection.

The Duke of Edinburgh has spent the past two nights in hospital and missed the end of his wife's Diamond Jubilee.

Buckingham Palace has been releasing occasional, bland statements about the prince's health over the past 48 hours, along the lines of him still being alive and not having died yet.

But now the prince has decided to offer the public a more colourful account of his condition, via his @dukey21 Twitter account.

This morning he wrote: “Feelin much better 2day. Bad nites sleep tho. Was rofa (rolling on the floor in agony) for most of it.

“Told the Asian doctor who asked for a pee sample this morning that he could pee off back to bongobongoland. Quite proud of that! Really missin @queenie26 tho #casualracism #pissingblood”

Euro 2012 latest: Italy 2 Spain 2

AN Italian newspaper has taken the brave step of publishing a Euro 2012 wall chart with all of the Azzurri's results already filled in.

Today's La Gazzetta Dello Sport even carries full match reports on all three of Italy's group matches, even though their campaign doesn't begin until Sunday.

In the introduction to the wall chart, the paper says: “Here is your chance to relive the drama of our 2-2 draw with Spain, the ecstasy of our 3-1 win over Croatia and the agony of our 1-0 defeat to the Republic of Ireland – without having to wait for the matches themselves.”

The paper reveals that Italy will safely progress from Group C on goal difference, only to lose to France in the quarter-finals courtesy of a last minute penalty, conceded when eight Italian players handle the ball at the same time.

The wall chart has received praise from industry insiders, although fears have been raised that there is currently no great interest in football in Italy, with half the population in jail for match-fixing and the other half at a giant bunga bunga party.

Silicone implants could save euro

EU politicians have hired Channel 4's 10 Years Younger team to give the euro a sexy new makeover.

MEPs hope the sagging currency can be saved by silicone implants, buttock lift surgery or simply a snazzy new hairdo.

EU President Herman Van Rompuy said: “We're not far past ten years since Euro notes and coins went into circulation on January 1, 2002.

“If we can make the euro ten years younger, it will be virtually a brand new currency again, without all the problems it's experienced in the past year or so.”

Although some critics have branded the move a gimmick, Mr Van Rompuy said he had “every faith” in the 10 Years Younger team.

He said: “They have worked wonders in bringing back to life many celebrities who have died since 2002, and our currency isn't dead, merely dying.”

The show's presenter Myleene Klass told The Ugly Truth: “We'll be pampering the currency rotten so that by the time we're finished with it, traders all around the world will go weak at the knees at the sight of a single €10 note.”

Meanwhile, BBC journalists have admitted to sneaking in rude words to liven up their reports on the eurozone crisis.

One journalist admitted: "Quite frankly, we know that people just switch off as soon as they realise we're talking about another chuffing bailout for Greece, so we've all been chucking in a bit of sauce to keep the tedium at bay.

"I managed to get the word 'cottaging' three times into a story about the Irish referendum on whether to accept tough new EU budget constraints.

"A colleague of mine has also managed to shoehorn in the words felch, milf, foreplay, dominatrix, anal beads and danger wank into a report on rising unemployment in Spain.

"We've had no complaints so far," he added.

Cold sore cream makers to go on strike

THE Cold Sore Cream Manufacturers' Union – the last organisation in the UK yet to take industrial action in 2012 - has voted to strike on June 19.

CSCMU members will walk out in protest at cuts to their pensions and the general ineffectiveness of their products.

Next week Britain is likely to witness industrial action on the biggest scale since the 1970s, when The Wheelbarrow Wheel Suppliers Union, the Seesaw Seat Manufacturers Association, the Wafer Biscuit Producers Union, the Spirit Level Testers Union, and the Duffel Coat Button Stitchers Union all walk out in protest at each other.

Man jailed for not 'liking' friend's baby photo

A MAN has been jailed for 12 weeks for not 'liking' a photo of his friend's baby within 24 hours of it being posted on Facebook.

Darrell Lucas, 23, from Corby in Northamptonshire, told magistrates he had been unable to access the social networking site because he had been in hospital having a cancerous tumour removed from his lung.

But his excuse was rejected by the panel sitting at Corby Magistrates' Court. William Lawrence, Chairman of the Bench, told Lucas: “Your lamentable failure to 'like' what was clearly a very cute picture of your friend's baby within the mandatory 24-hour cut-off period can only meet with a custodial sentence.”

John Terry denies Ukrainian song rumours

ENGLAND defender John Terry has denied reports he has written a special song about Anton Ferdinand and had it translated into Ukrainian so host fans can sing at the European Championships.

Reports in some of today's newspapers suggest Mr Terry got the idea after watching this week's BBC Panorama documentary about the behaviour of football fans in Ukraine and Poland.

A spokesman for Mr Terry said: “John would like to make it clear that he has not made available for a Ukrainian audience any song making reference to Mr Ferdinand.”