ENGLAND'S footballers will begin work on a cure for all known diseases within minutes of picking up the Euro 2012 trophy.
As a host of jingoistic figures from English history step forward to predict an England tournament triumph, it is understood Roy Hodgson's squad are preparing for their next major challenge.
A source close to Theo Walcott said: “Having bumbled our way out of the group stages, we were being quite calm in our expectations about the rest of the tournament.
“We'd felt we'd done quite well so far and beating Italy in the quarter-final would be a great achievement.
“But all that's changed since the media roped in every famous person ever born in England to publicly say we'll win the whole thing.
“Our expectations have risen accordingly.”
This morning, England's 1966 World Cup winning hero Sir Bobby Charlton said he believed that if England got past Italy, they would go on to win the tournament.
A raft of famous names have since joined the fray.
Anne of Cleeves, the fourth wife of King Henry VIII, told The Andrew Marr Show: “I believe England will beat Spain 4-1 in the final, and then there's no stopping them.
“Give Joleon Lescott 30 minutes with a napkin, and I fully expect him to have knocked up a workable peace plan for the whole of the Middle East.
“In fact, it'll be so good that everybody, regardless of their religion, will go 'oh yeah, why didn't I think of that!' and then fall about laughing.”
18th century Prime Minister William Pitt the Elder, writing in The People, said:
“After we've won the final, I think we should concentrate on either eradicating polio, or designing sofas so that coins, mobile phones and keys can't fall down the back of them.”
Over 42 million people are expected to gather in London's Trafalgar Square for the England squad's victorious homecoming parade on July 2; over half are likely to stay in the capital for the knighting of Glen Johnson, Leighton Baines and Jack Butland.
DISCLAIMER: The Ugly Truth accepts no responsibility for the meaninglessness of this article after England get knocked out by Italy this evening.
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