Google's billion dollar tax burden hidden in your guts

GOOGLE is avoiding paying billions of dollars in tax by filing its accounts inside people's stomachs.

The complicated procedure, which is entirely legal and utterly gross, was exposed by a whistleblower, who told The Ugly Truth: “It began about four years ago, with the I'm Feeling Lucky feature.

“Any time somebody clicked on that button, they were unwittingly signing themselves up to be a host body for Google's tax purposes.

“As one of Google's Senior Physical Account Filers, my job was to open people's mouths while they were sleeping and ram in as much paperwork as I could.

“If Google filed all its papers in the ordinary way, it would end up paying hundreds of millions of pounds in tax in the UK alone.

“But the rate of Corporation Tax in somebody's lower intestines is only around 0.02%.”

The whistleblower, who has now gone into hiding inside the Lycos search engine, which nobody has used since 1998, added: “It's all legal and there is a disclaimer at the bottom of the Google search page giving all the details.

“However, I should warn you that if you click on that, you'll be giving Google the legal right to your first born child.”

Nicki Minaj: Inside the mind of a genius

THE Silicone Shakespeare. The Trinidadian Tolstoy. The bard with the big boobs and buttocks.

None of these monikers have yet been applied to Nicki Minaj, but it can surely be only a matter of time.

For this diminutive rap sensation is beginning to earn plaudits as much for the genius of her lyrics as for the vibrancy of her music.

The Ugly Truth enlisted the help of one of Britain's best known authors and literary critics, Will Self, to dissect Minaj's words and find out what makes them so special.

'Superbass', from the album Pink Friday (2010)

"He just gotta give me that look, when he give me that look
Then the panties comin' off, off, uh.....
When he make it drip, drip kiss him on the lip, lip
That's the kind of dude I was lookin' for
And yes you'll get slapped if you're lookin' hoe"

Will Self: “What's remarkable here is Minaj's ability to take a provocative subject – casual sex – and give it the most brutally honest of treatments, with no clemency, no mercy, no dilution of substance. The listener is also left wondering about “that look” she twice refers to. There's a real mystery to this line which lingers long after the record has ended. Finally, you cannot help but admire the searing bluntness of the last line, which hammers home one of life's fundamental truths – if you're lookin' hoe, you're going to get slapped.”

'Starships' from Pink Friday: Roman Reloaded (2012)

“Jump in my hooptie hooptie hoop
I own that
And I ain’t paying my rent this month
I owe that”

Will Self: 'Hooptie' is an American colloquialism for a car, and from Minaj's repetition of the word it is clear she wants the listener to understand her sense of pride in her vehicle. She goes on to say that she owns this vehicle, and makes it clear that her vehicle is more important to her than her legal obligation to pay her rent on time. When I first heard these lyrics, I was taken aback by their brazenness, but as is typical with Minaj's work, the real meaning sinks in some time later. She is highlighting what it means to be enslaved by the global economic malaise, which leaves us all with a stark choice between paying our rent and keeping our hooptie.

'Whip It' from Pink Friday: Roman Reloaded (2012)

"Woah.
Is that my cue? I'm looking for some brain to boost my IQ
I'm like 5'2, my SAT scores was high too.
But I don't mean to brag I louis vuitton bag em
Hopped out the jag proceeded to sha shag em."

Will Self: False modesty can be grating, but it can also be a powerful weapon in the hands of a skilled wordsmith like Minaj. The listener is sucked into thinking that here is a young woman of brittle nature, plagued by self-doubt because of her height and fears over her intelligence. But then she neatly spins this developing notion on its head, with two references to her material success – Louis Vuitton and Jaguar - and another nod to sexual conquest.

'Pound the Alarm' from Pink Friday: Roman Reloaded (2012)

"Pumps on and them little mini skirts is out
I see some good girls, I'm a turn 'em out
Ok bottle, sip, bottle, guzzle
I'm a bad bitch, no muzzle, what?
Bottle, sip, bottle, guzzle
I'm a bad bitch, no muzzle, let's go."

Will Self: There is a real bleakness to these lyrics. The 'good girls' are clearly the inner voices in Minaj's head, urging her to curb her hedonistic excesses, but ultimately, they are doomed to be drowned out by her rampant alcoholism. As with so many tragic creative mavericks before her, Minaj refuses to be constrained by the conventions of appropriate behaviour and will always choose to 'guzzle' rather than be 'muzzled'.

Va Va Voom, from Pink Friday: Roman Reloaded (2012)

"Just met a boy, just met a boy when
He could become my little problem
'Cause he look like he modelling clothes in Dublin
So I think that he gettin' that Green like Goblin
Hear through the grape vine that he hang low
We could shoot a movie, could bang, like Rambo
Boom, boom pow, this thing so bingo
Wondering if he could understand my lingo"

Will Self: Here is an example of how Minaj likes to throw cultural references around like confetti at a wedding. But there is also something darker at play here. Who is the goblin, and why is he becoming her little problem? Minaj hints at psychological breakdown without ever revealing enough for the listener to work out whether she is for real or just playing with us. Finally, her references to bingo and Rambo show she is just as in touch with the common man as Shakespeare was more than 400 years ago.

What are your favourite Nicki Minaj lyrics? Email hooptiehooptiehoop@gmail.com

Horsemeat scandal: DNA shock for nation

IT is a scandal that has rocked the nation, but as a special investigation by The Ugly Truth reveals, Britain has only hit the tip of the horsemeat fiasco iceberg.

Until now, the outcry has focussed on traces of horse found in burgers either exported abroad or sold in our supermarkets.

But the scandal goes far deeper.

Using our parents' credit cards, we hired a team of scientists to carry out DNA tests on every object found in the UK, whether animal, vegetable, or mineral.

Here are just a few of their mind-blowing findings.

It's not just burgers
As well as being discovered in burgers and pies, horsemeat was also found in: grapes, chalk, car parks, sweaters and EVEN horses.

It's not just horses
The scientists also found traces of wasp in: dodgems, wasps, haircuts, flu, tandems and blimps; traces of sheep in: harps, shins, verrucas and MP3 players; and traces of badger in: muesli, shoes, smog and Argos.

Not even Big Ben's real

Perhaps most shocking were the results of tests conducted on some of Britain's most treasured landmarks.

They revealed that Big Ben is made up of 72% mackerel DNA and just 12% big clock.

The Angel of the North is actually mostly barn owl, while Birmingham's Bullring shopping complex was revealed to be just a strategically placed cloud.

Abattoir found under Grand National fence

RED-FACED Grand National bosses have been forced to apologise – after an abattoir was found underneath the Aintree circuit's most notorious fence, Becher's Brook.

A whistleblower told the Ugly Truth that for the last three years, any horse failing to safely clear the hurdle by more than a metre has been sucked into the subterranean slaughterhouse and converted into Morrisons own brand mince.

Horses known to have perished include: Aladdin's Kebab, Samba Ears, Ditzy Cow and Grubby Hutch. Jockeys Willie Carson and Lester Piggott also died.

An Aintree spokesman said their families would probably be offered some sort of voucher.

It is not clear who is behind the abattoir, but for the sake of getting this copy filed on time, filthy foreigners are being blamed.

'What if my Polly's a horse?'

PAULINE Hartley was checking through her freezer drawers, struggling in vain to find a quick meal for her ravenous eight-year-old twins, Polly and Lox.

As she reached for a packet of Sainsbury's basics Mystery Meat Cylinders, a chilling thought ran through her: “What if my kids are horses?”

The 48-year-old scratch-card addict told the Ugly Truth: “All these years I've been looking at my kids, and I've never stopped to think what's in em.

“I mean, they could be donkeys, cows, laptops, staplers, anything.

“You just don't know what anything's made of these days, do you?”

Luckily, a quick check on Wikipedia revealed Polly and Lox probably weren't horses.

But Pauline is encouraging other parents to be vigilant. “Get em checked out soon as their born,” she said.

“Me personally, I've bought a paddock out the back of our house. If either of my ones start using it, I'll know they're horses.”

Have I eaten horse?

IF you're concerned you may have eaten horse, this handy guide from the Food Standards Agency should help.

So what exactly is a horse?

WITH all the TV coverage and newspaper column inches on the subject in recent weeks, it is remarkable nobody has stopped to ask the most obvious question of all: what is a horse?

The Oxford English Dictionary defines it as “a sexy animal loved by girls at fee-paying schools.”

But to get confirmation, we asked experts from the worlds of science, philosophy and fashion.

Zoologist Alexander Haribo, from King's College, London, said: “There have been many studies in this area in recent years, but there is still no clear empirical evidence to define what a horse is.

“Speaking personally, I'm pretty sure it's not an otter.”

Letitia Spanks, editor of popular women's magazine, Gusset, said: “It's clear 2013 is going to be the year of the horse.

“Women are going to be eating it, wearing it, slipping it in their handbag.

“But no, I've no idea what it is either.”

Laurence Schpaff, self-help guru and author of life improvement handbook, Bless Each Tear, said: “It is when we search deep inside ourselves, that we find what we are looking for.

“Oh, and a horse is a four-legged animal you'd find in a stable.”

Lance Armstrong to Oprah: "I've never ridden a bike"

THE world had hoped for repentance, contrition, and at the very least, an admission of guilt.

It got something very different.

As Lance Armstrong welcomed Oprah Winfrey into his home in Austin, Texas, for one of the most eagerly awaited celebrity interviews of the decade, it quickly became clear he wasn't about to unburden his conscience over years of drug abuse allegations which have shattered his reputation as one of the planet's greatest ever sportsmen.

Instead, Armstrong, who was stripped of his seven Tour de France titles after being found guilty by doping authorities of systematic abuse of performance enhancing drugs throughout his career, stunned the veteran talkshow host with a simple message for her and all his critics: "I've never even ridden a bike".

The jaw-dropping claim was one of a series made by the 41-year-old during the 90-minute interview, which took place in the living room of Armstrong's spacious, Spanish colonial-style home.

It was made all the more remarkable by the fact that just moments earlier, Armstrong had ridden into the room on a Raleigh Chopper and circled Oprah several times, before pulling a wheelie.

Disembarking the bike, he then brushed off Oprah's offer of an introductory handshake, and spoke directly into the camera.

"Let's get things straight once and for all.

"I don't ride bikes. I'm not a bike rider, never have been and never will be.

"I wouldn't even recognise a bike if you put one in front of me.

"All these people who are saying I've spent my career riding bikes and taking drugs, it's all just a big conspiracy to undermine me run by people - men and women - who are jealous that I've got a bigger penis than all of them put together."

When questioned about his multiple appearances in the Tour de France, widely regarded as the most prestigious and gruelling bike race of all, Armstrong replied: "I know there are clips floating about on You Tube which some people - people whose penises are so small that if you cut them all off and bundled them together, they still wouldn't fit in a matchbox - claim show me riding in the Tour de France.

"But that's bulls**t. I wasn't on a bike or in a bike, whatever that is, I was walking or running the whole time.

"And when I wasn't walking or running, I was flying, or swimming, whichever seemed more appropriate at the time.

"Besides which, I've never even been to France."

The interview footage then appears to show Armstrong lighting a crack pipe as he responds to Oprah's next question, about his alleged use of anabolic steroids.

He said: "I don't take drugs of any kind, even basic medication.

"If I get ill, I fix myself using whatever's to hand - screwdrivers, Blu Tack, whatever.

"And if I can't fix myself, I get ill and die. I've died a ton of times. It's no big deal."

The interview will air in the USA next Thursday night on the Oprah Winfrey Network.