Olympic warning for Burger King fans

THOUSANDS of spectators will be turned away from Olympic venues for craving products offered by non-sponsors, organisers have confirmed.

Official sponsors of the Games include Coca-Cola, McDonalds, Lloyds TSB, Visa and Samsung.

At a press conference this morning, Lord Coe, the chairman of organisers Locog, said anybody caught craving a Burger King Double Whopper sandwich, for example, would be immediately ejected.

He also confirmed that Bob Diamond, disgraced ex-chief executive of Barclays Bank who has tickets for the women's skeet shooting event on July 29, will only be admitted to the venue if he switches his current account to Lloyds TSB at the gate.

Lord Coe also confirmed that the lead architect responsible for the Olympic Park was shot dead by G4S security guards this morning after it was discovered he had used his Mastercard to withdraw cash from his Barclays account to buy a Burger King meal and a Pepsi, before tweeting about his purchases using his iPad.

The ugly truth behind the Olympic Lanes

THE gridlock-generating Olympic Games Lanes have today been exposed as a front for a Top Gear special.

The BBC has admitted that it pushed for the creation of the dedicated lanes – which the public has been told are exclusively for athletes and officials – so that Jeremy Clarkson, James May and Richard Hammond could race each other using radio-controlled wheelbarrows.

Since the lanes opened at 6am this morning, nobody has reached their destination, anywhere in the world.

Jams Minister Norman Baker said: “We fully understand the frustrations of motorists at this situation.

“As a short-term measure, we would encourage all drivers to beep their horns as often as possible, as this has been proven the world over to improve traffic flow and reduce congestion.”

The Cube set for Olympic debut

ITV game show The Cube has been named as a replacement Olympic sport after handball pulled out with a thigh injury.

At an emergency meeting this morning, the International Olympic Committee plumped for the Philip Schofield-hosted show from a shortlist of eight back-up sports.

The other contenders were: team grimacing, bedroom gymnastics, air guitar, crowd surfing, weight watching, beat boxing and Frank Spencer impressionisation.

Teams from 24 nations will now compete for The Cube medals at a hastily erected studio near Phillips Idowu in East London.

UK troops to protect Gabby Logan

ALL UK troops are to be withdrawn from Afghanistan to guard the BBC's Olympic host, Gabby Logan.

In a move that would presumably bother some people if it were true, Armed Forces Minister Nick Harvey announced that all British forces in Afghanistan would be sent home on a big raft over the weekend.

Mr Harvey told the House of Commons this morning: “Truthfully, I've no idea what will happen in Afghanistan following an immediate withdrawal of troops.

“But these things sometimes just sort themselves out, don't they?

“What I do know, however, is that if anything happened to Mrs Logan, my enjoyment of the BBC's highlights package would be dimmed by at least 15-20%.

“That's just not happening,” he added.

New Radio 1 breakfast show host: "I'll be just like Chris Moyles"

THE new host of the BBC Radio 1 Breakfast Show has reassured listeners - “I will be just as obnoxious, unbearable and unlistenable as Chris Moyles”.

Nick Grimshaw (pictured, left) will take over the lucrative job of mouth-farting to the nation from September, after the BBC decided there was insufficient room in its studios to fit both Chris Moyles' bulk and his ego.

A BBC spokesman said: “We gave Chris the choice. He could either lose several stone and keep his detestable personality, or he could stay a giant, blubbering aberration but work on his social skills.

“He declined our offer so he had to go.”

Moyles (below, right) announced the news of his departure on his show this morning.

Reports in the Far East say Britain's sighs of relief could be heard as far away as China.

However, there was a twist later this morning in the form of a tweet from new host Grimshaw, in which he promised to remain true to the core values of the breakfast show slot.

He wrote: “A lot of yoo lissners mite be afrade I'm gonna turn the show all poncy or summit, but that's bollocks!”

Grimshaw promised to spend the next two months in a brutal ego training camp, at the end of which he said he hoped his misplaced sense of self-worth would be even greater than that of Moyles.

He also promised to patronise his listeners, play shite music and surround himself with even more fawning, woefully unfunny oafs than Moyles did.

BREAKING NEWS: Julian Assange arrested

WIKILEAKS founder Julian Assange has been arrested outside the Ecuadorian Embassy in London.

Mr Assange was detained by officers from the Metropolitan Police at 4.15am this morning after sneaking out to try to find an embassy with a better Sky package.

He had been living in the embassy since arriving on June 19, declaring he was seeking asylum and “a chance to find myself”.

Mr Assange, Australia's premier Anders Breivik lookalike, has been using a variety of methods to stave off boredom during his self-imposed house arrest.

He has personalised his room, putting up posters of women he has definitely not sexually assaulted.

On the door to his room, he has hung a wooden tablet with the message: “The real leader of the free world lives here”.

He has also taken on a variety of disguises in order to file bogus asylum claims under the names of his favourite cartoon characters.

Just a few hours before his arrest, he had also tweeted a picture of a cat he had drawn on the Draw Something app, which he proclaimed looked “just like a cat”.

Mr Assange is now likely to be charged or released or extradited or something.

Britain's flood victims to be sheltered in The Shard

EVERYBODY in Britain is to be evacuated into The Shard, which by tomorrow morning will be the only thing in the country not under water.

As floods continue to wreak havoc nationwide, authorities are planning to use the 1,000ft, 72-storey eyesore as a refuge centre until the waters subside.

Floods Minister Gerald Loop said: “With 60million people piling into one building, conditions will be less than ideal, so we are asking people to be considerate and only bring things that are essential, such as screaming children, phones with annoying ringtones, and chronic flatulence.”

Developer Eduard de Toit, who commissioned The Shard, said: “We are of course happy to help out the nation in a time of crisis.

“And to be honest, we had no idea what we were going to do with the building anyway so this kind of works for us.”

The Government has also hired TV psychiatrist Dr Raj Persaud (pictured below) to help the nation open up its feelings about the weather.

In a leaflet which will be handed to every person arriving in The Shard, whether they want it or not, Dr Persaud writes: “The first thing you must do is be open about your feelings about the weather. “Too many Britons can't bring themselves to say that the weather really is horrible, isn't it?

“Or they think they'll be shouted down if they say something like 'summer, what summer?'

“But actually, talking about the weather could be a great conversational starter, and become something that brings Britons of all ages, races and religions, together, if only they'd give it a chance.”

Meanwhile, 17,000 people drowned yesterday afternoon after attending a flashmob on a bridge over the River Otter in Ottery St Mary, Devon.

The river had burst its banks three hours before the scheduled flashmob and everybody who arrived to take part was swept to their deaths.

Tommy Ronaldson organised the event via a group on Facebook.

He said afterwards: “I was aware with the weather warnings beforehand that there was a risk to people's health.

“But if the rain had stayed away, the event would have been quite good fun. It was a risk I was willing to take.”