Movember: "Your zany facial hair may not cure other people's cancer", warn experts

Scientists have stunned hipster students everywhere by revealing there is no causal link between growing an amusing moustache and slowing the spread of cancerous cells in others.

The shock revelation comes on the eve of Movember, a month-long celebration of the right of young men to look a bit wacky while ostensibly raising awareness of a range of health conditions.

A team of scientists from the University of Bristol spent a week walking around Clifton, where 93% of men under 25 already have comical facial hair and the remaining 7% are set to follow suit during Movember. 

The team discovered that cancer rates in Clifton are just as high as they are in Bridgwater, Somerset, where by-laws have prohibited the growing of even small amounts of trendy designer stubble since 1993. 

The Ugly Truth spoke to students in Clifton to gauge their reaction. 

Byron Vista-Broad, a 21-year-old Existential Relativism undergraduate, said: "It's disappointing. All my friends had convinced me that by looking a tiny bit like Poirot, I was somehow helping to slow the spread of cancerous cells into the lymphatic systems of many thousands of men. To learn that this may not be the case is really deflating."

Gulliver Nash, a 19-year-old student of Postmodern Aerobics, said: "I'd been told that the more ironic your facial hair, the more effective it was at destroying cancer cells, hence my incredibly tongue-in-cheek horseshoe moustache.

"If it's not actually doing the trick, I'll probably have to get a tattoo of an eagle instead, as I've heard that's a proven cure for other people's Muscular Dystrophy."

Others were less concerned, however. 

Ignatius Lattimer, 22, who is about to complete his MA in Egyptian Gastronomy, said: "For me, raising awareness of cancer is even more important than finding a cure. Because once you are aware of something, you can do something about it if that makes sense. It's no use having a cure for cancer if you don't have that awareness of why you've done it."  

Zeus Finlay-Finlayson, a 19-year-old Cosmic Anthropology undergraduate, agreed. He said: "I've done Movember for the past three years and I've probably raised more awareness than you could fit in my local artisan bakery, which is a lot of awareness. In fact, I'm not convinced anybody had even heard of cancer until I started shaving weird little crop circles in my beard when I was a sixth former."

John Lewis Christmas ad to be “bloodiest yet”

Giving Myrrh as a Secret Santa present. 

Taking extended toilet breaks to avoid hated family members. 

Praying it’ll all be over soon.

Many would now rank John Lewis's Christmas TV adverts alongside these other great festive traditions.

However, while in recent years these adverts have told heart-warming tales of snowmen and penguins, this year’s ad will mark a radical change in direction from the retailer.

A source within the creative agency responsible for the advert – which is expected to air in early November – has revealed it will feature a drastically different storyline, one that has been carefully constructed to help John Lewis show off more of its products.

According to the source, this change in approach was prompted by the dramatic and unexpected rise in telescope sales at John Lewis following last year’s Christmas advert about a pervy old man on the Moon (see chart below).

Here, our source gives a second-by-second breakdown of the new ad.

“It opens with a young child playing football (Adidas UCL Finale 16 Capitano Ball, Size 5, £15) with his pals in the street.

“Suddenly, the ball is booted into a neighbour’s garden and the child clambers over the wall to retrieve it.

Shear carnage 

“The action then cuts to the garden, where we see the disgruntled homeowner glaring at a football-sized hole in his greenhouse.

“He then reaches for a pair of garden shears (Spear and Jackson 8110KEW Razorsharp Hedge Shears, £33.49) and lunges at the boy.

“The young lad manages to leap out of the way, but in doing so he bangs his head on a bird table (Kew Gardens Broomfield Bird Table, £27.50) and then slips backwards onto a firepit (Morso Outdoor Firepit, £295), cracking several vertebrae.

“Just as the homeowner is about to plunge the shears into the boy’s throat, he is struck by a drone (Parrot Swat Airborne Night Minidrone, £99.99) which is being flown clumsily by a neighbourhood pervert, giving the youth a vital few seconds to limp away from his attacker.

Wok the fuk?

“The chase continues indoors. In the kitchen, the pair rain down blows on each other using a Circulon Ultimum Stainless Steel 3-Piece Pan Set (£180).

“Frustrated that the boy is still breathing despite this relentless assault, the homeowner decides to switch weapons. It proves a costly mistake. As he reaches with one hand for a Ken Hom Carbon Steel Wok (£27) the young boy grabs his other arm and forces it into a Magimix 4200XL BlenderMix Food Processor (£279.99), which he sets to ‘pulse’.

“With the man’s screams ringing in his ears, the boy makes his escape, pausing briefly to steal an Amelia Stripe Rug (£80) from the hallway, as he knows it will make the ideal gift for his Nan.”

The source insists that despite its grisly content, the advert remains faithful to the John Lewis brand.

He says: “You’re only a few seconds in when you realise you’ve stopped noticing the blood and the screams, and you’ve started remembering what it was like being a young lad at Christmas, with rosy cheeks and dreams of treasured toys.

“Plus, while all the action is going on, you’re hearing Michelle McManus singing John Lennon’s ‘Imagine’. It’s a real tear-jerker.”

How Facebook exposed my mediocre parents

A man has described his horror at discovering through Facebook that he may have second-rate parents. 

Gavin Blenkinsop, 23, had previously considered his mum, Elaine, and dad, Paul, loving and supportive parents. However, he is now concerned he may have been short-changed his entire life after noticing that a friend, Mandy, had identified her parents as the “best mum and dad ever”, in a Facebook post marking their 20^th wedding anniversary.

Gavin made the discovery last night, after logging on to Facebook to check if his friends still thought their pets and children were cute. 

"At first everything was fine," he said. "There was a post from my friend Mike, in which he made it clear that he still thought his two-year-old daughter Beth-Rae was adorable, just like he did last time. That was a huge relief. 

"Then there was another from Jessica at work, showing a picture of her cat sitting on her lap with the caption 'bliss!' 

"But then I saw this post from Mandy, who's on my pub darts team. There was a picture of her parents about to start a round of mini golf, with the caption 'best mum and dad ever'. 

“I was devastated. I'd never realised there was such a clear-cut hierarchy before."

Gavin said the discovery has forced him to re-evaluate his upbringing. He has already cancelled plans to go to his dad's 60th birthday party while he "figures shit out".

He said: "On my tenth birthday, I got a Spiderman toy that shot out a web when you clicked on a button. I've always thought that I loved that toy.

"Now though, when I think back, I remember that I actually lost it on a holiday in Devon a few months later. We were on a pedalo and it fell into a lake. My dad didn't even dive in to rescue it. Mandy's mum and dad would never have let that happen.

"Then there was the time I twisted my ankle playing football. If mum and dad had bought me the Sega Mega Drive I'd asked for, I would have been safe inside playing Sonic the Hedgehog, and my ankle would have been fine.

"What's really bothering me, though, is that Mandy's mum and dad were violent alcoholics who used to lock her in a cupboard if she forgot to buy them cigarettes on her walk home from school. 

"If they're the best parents ever, then what does that say about mine?"

Gavin says the whole episode has brought back painful memories of last Christmas.

He said: "Mum absolutely loves Elton John, so for Christmas I got her the piano that Elton used when he wrote most of Goodbye Yellow Brick Road. 

"I'd bumped into him in Wilkinsons while I was looking for curtain rails and he'd been only too happy to help. 

"I was so excited to see the look on her face when it arrived – that was until I saw a TV advert that made it clear that the perfect Christmas present for mums was actually a pampering gift set from Boots. I was crushed.

"In fairness, when the piano arrived mum did look over the moon but I knew it was just a lie.

"I can't trust anything that she says or does now. Or dad. They're both just awful, awful people."

Dog retires after epic lawn-shitting mission

A dog has retired to the sofa after completing his mission to shit on every lawn in Britain.

Nigel, a 52-year-old dachshund, has spent the past few years curling one out on gardens across the country.

His journey has seen him make territorial inroads into the traditionally Whippet-dominated heartlands of the North.

Alongside his prolific pooing campaign, Nigel has spent the past five years barking for a referendum on whether cats should disappear up a tree.

Last month's 'Yes' vote has led to calls for a points-based system to decide which kinds of animal will be allowed near dogs in future, and has also led to every creature in the animal kingdom – from rabbits to hippos – hating each other intensely.

Speaking while loosening his bowels on a Buckinghamshire country estate, Nigel said: "I've done my bit. I've given dogs a bad name. I've stunk out the whole country and I've pissed off the entire animal kingdom, so that even animals that used to like each other, like hamsters and budgies, can't even look at each other anymore."

He added: "I'll still be smelly, loud and generally dreadful, but I'll now be all of those things indoors."

The Ugly Truth picks England's new football manager

A man who once missed a penalty and then advertised pizza is the bookmakers’ favourite to become the next manager of the England football team.

Gareth Southgate, who describes himself on his LinkedIn profile as “an enthusiastic, ambitious and forward-focussed Gareth”, is likely to receive a £5m-a-year contract and all the Subbuteo players he can handle.

Former manager Roy Hodgson resigned following England’s 2-1 defeat to Iceland at the European Championships. 

At a press conference afterwards, Hodgson told journalists he didn’t know why he was there or what medication he was supposed to be taking, and in what order.

Mmmm...pizza 

Southgate’s career highlights include a starring role as a man with a bag over his head in a Pizza Hut advert in the mid-90s. He also played 57 times for England.

Some have questioned his suitability for the England manager’s job, however.

Southgate’s managerial experience has been limited to running a crèche for the children of England’s players during Euro 2016, where he read them bedtime stories such as How The Tiger Got Its Stripes and How Gareth Got His UEFA A Licence.

Wot 'Arry thinks 

Harry Redknapp, who has been parked in a layby for the past three years hoping journalists will approach him, told an off-duty Daily Mirror reporter that England should look at other options, such as Sam Allardyce, the late Sir Bobby Robson, or the Wealdstone Raider.

Glenn Hoddle, who led England to the World Cup finals in France in 1998, is another serious contender.

Records don’t go back that far, but it is believed England must have won the tournament, or at least reached the final, or there would be no reason for him to be linked with the job a second time.

Saxy football

From what little we do know, however, it is clear that Hoddle’s reign was marred by controversy. His decision to select saxophonist Kenny G at the base of a diamond formation puzzled pundits. 

He was also pilloried by the press for suggesting that Michael Owen was not a natural goalscorer, and for arguing that Paul Scholes deserved to be played out of position as punishment for sins in a past life. 

Hoddle was finally sacked after trying to forcibly baptise Darren Anderton in a Macedonian loo after the midfielder misplaced a pass.

In other developments…..

   

• FA chief executive Martin Glenn has clarified what he does know, after admitting at a press conference: “I’m no football expert”. Glenn said in a statement that he can do some Sudoku puzzles and a little bit of DIY, and knows a smattering of French

• Gary Cahill has described how his girlfriend was finally able to help him understand the offside rule by using kitchen condiments. “It’s great,” said Cahill, “although I still don’t really understand why there would be so many pepper grinders on the pitch at the same time."

• Joe Hart has accepted his share of the blame for England’s exit after a series of blunders. He told Gabby Logan: “My hair is so clean, so very, very clean. Would you like to touch it?”

• All the tired, re-hashed clichés journalists are using to explain England’s repeated footballing failures are to be turned into a festive stocking-filler. ‘Why we need a root-and-branch review of grass roots winter breaks and overpaid prima donnas who aren’t fit to wear the shirt’ will be available in all good skips 

• England’s entire Euro 2016 campaign was actually an advert for Paddy Power, the bookmaker has revealed. A spokesman said: “Everybody loved our irreverent humour, from Joe Hart’s fumbles to the final joke where England crashed out to a group of part-time whale watchers.”

Farage’s Britain: What’s next?

Here's a look ahead to all the exciting things coming our way post-Brexit!

• No longer forced to pay into the EU, Britons will grow rich beyond their wildest dreams. Most will choose to use that money to join their new saviour Nigel Farage at the bar, where they will queue for hours to buy delicious, warm British lagers like Carling. Others will spend their money on a plane ticket for their Polish plumber, so he can come back and finish fixing their toilet

• Freed from the oppressive burden of EU regulation, British penises will grow to extraordinary lengths, dwarfing their continental counterparts. Similarly, our women’s breasts will swell to the size of netballs. Indeed, our people will become such perfect physical specimens that next year’s FHM 100 Sexiest Women will just be a photo of the ladies queuing outside Greggs in Middlesbrough at 8am

• Britain’s exit from the EU will be good news for the Queen, who is now guaranteed to live to 170. Her existence had been threatened by barmy EU rules, which were set to force God to split his time equally between saving the heads of states of all 28 EU members. The development proves a blow to other European leaders however, with the presidents of Croatia, Cyprus and Malta all being killed by lightning strikes

• Under a tough new points-based immigration system, net immigration is reduced from the hundreds of thousands to four. The only people lucky enough to meet the new criteria are: Nobel Prize-winning chemist Tomas Lindahl, Thierry Henry, St Francis of Assisi and sexy tennis player Ana Ivanovic

• It’s not long, though, before the public start demanding the removal of more layers of government. It’s soon agreed that nobody will have to pay taxes anymore, but they will have to tarmac their roads as they go along, and perform any required surgery on themselves, having first put themselves under general anaesthetic.

Low-key response to historic Welsh victory

AND SO........

.....15 MILLION YEARS LATER

Heroin surrenders, war on drugs over

THE WAR ON DRUGS IS OVER, IT HAS BEEN CONFIRMED. 

The war, which began in 1971 when somebody started selling Calpol from the back of a van without a permit, ended at around 6am today when the last remaining drugs were thrown into the sea.

General Sir Malcolm Fishponds, who led the War on Drugs, said: "We received a fax from heroin shortly after midnight, announcing its surrender.

"Shortly afterwards, Methylenedioxymethamphetamine issued a statement on its website to confirm that it would be withdrawing from the conflict, and turning itself into talcum powder.

"We are delighted to report that there are no longer any drugs, not even the good ones that stop your children getting ill.

"This has been a long struggle, and over these past decades we have had to fight off not just the drugs themselves, but also the ludicrous claims from our opponents that this was an un-winnable war."

Sir Malcolm said he and his colleagues would celebrate their triumph by drinking the strongest vodka they could find and enjoying a range of legal highs.

A spokesman for drugs said: "We put up a good battle but in the end the clear strategic thinking of our opponents was too much for us. Congratulations to them - they were the better team."

Elsewhere, the War on Terror is expected to be concluded before this evening's episode of Pointless on BBC One at 5.15pm. Authorities have surrounded the last remaining terror in a fishing village in Cornwall and have cut off its supplies of fish, chips and lager and lime.

UEFA unfollows Russia on twitter

UEFA has responded to the ongoing football-related violence at the European Championships by unfollowing Russia on twitter. 

The move is expected to make it slightly more difficult for Russia to tell those within UEFA about poor customer service it has received, or what it thinks about the latest episode of Game of Thrones.

UEFA has also warned England it will refuse to share any of its Facebook posts if any of its fans cause further disturbances during the championships. The move could also see the governing body refusing to share any of England's Instagram photos, even those which show National Trust properties looking all pretty. 

UEFA's interim president, Officer Crabree from Allo Allo, who took charge following the suspension of Michel Platini, warned fans of all 24 nations involved in the tournament to behave, or face the consequences. 

"We will be monitoring the Welsh too," said Crabtree. "If we see any evidence of disruptive behaviour from their supporters, Wales can say goodbye to their hopes of us liking the Eisteddfod on Facebook."

Nobody from hooligans was available for comment. 

A trip to the garage

If you're having car trouble, you may be thinking of taking your vehicle to a "garage". But what happens at these mysterious premises? In the latest in our series of educational features on things that happen in the world, our motoring correspondent Clifton Vroom explains the 12 stages of a typical visit to your friendly local garage.

1. You notice your windscreen wipers are only operating intermittently. It doesn't seem too serious, but it's been raining a bit lately so you decide it's probably best to get the problem looked at by your local garage.

2. You phone up for an appointment. Days and times that suit you are unavailable, so you have to skip work/postpone your hot air balloon ride/cancel your life-saving surgery – to fit in with the garage’s hectic schedule.

     3.  When you arrive, you notice there are no customers, but lots of men in overalls who ignore you for several minutes, until every last itch on their arse has been scratched.

      
                
    4.   When you finally get the attention of a mechanic and explain the problem, his look tells you it’s going to take the skills of a £450-an-hour auto-genius to fix your never-before-seen defect. 

   

    
    5. You ask when your car will be ready for collection, but are told the parts needed are only available from a country embroiled in a bitter civil war, meaning they could take months to arrive. 

  

                     
    

          
    6. You ask for a rough idea of how

        much the work will cost, but the friendly 

        mechanic tells you he hasn’t a clue, as if he’s never fixed a fucking car before.

   

                       

    

     7.   Half an hour after leaving, you get a call from the garage telling you they’ve discovered another problem – your engine’s the wrong colour and needs an urgent respray.

     
   
     8. You ignore the sniggering you can hear in the background, which is definitely not a sign they've twigged you know absolutely fuck-all about cars and that they're about to rinse you of every penny you've got. 

          

     9.  Finally, after the Earth has enjoyed a couple more appearances from Halley’s Comet, your car is ready for collection.

      

   

     
    10.  When you get to the garage, the guy at the till dusts off the extra large calculator which is only used to work out bills as big as yours.       

11.  After selling your house, all your belongings and the ugliest of your children, you’re ready to pay the bill. 

12. As you drive off, you hear a beeping sound. Don’t worry, it isn’t your car breaking down! Instead, it's a text from the garage, reminding you your MOT is due to expire in 11 minutes so you’re not going anywhere. Non Voyage!