Mr Cameron has told close friends and his mirror that he is “this close” to trebling UK growth within the next year and saving the euro.
The Prime Minister and his closest advisers are refusing to release any details about the rescue plan, but rumours are circulating around Westminster that it involves two cups attached by string, some twine, a bottle of white spirit and some sticky back plastic.
Senior Tory figures are so confident of the plan's success, however, that they have moved on to debating what memorable quote Mr Cameron should use to seal the deal.
Foreign Secretary William Hague is understood to prefer “Hyperinflate this, motherfucker!”, while Home Secretary Theresa May is believed to prefer “Shall we go back to eurozone or mine?”
Defence Secretary Philip Hammond, meanwhile, is believed to be on the verge of quitting his post after his suggestion, “Hey Merkel, suck on my austerity measures!”, was ruled out for being inflammatory.
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