Jeremy Hunt: "I'd rather go naked than wear fur"

UNDER-FIRE Culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt has attempted to restore his public image – by supporting animal charity PETA's I'd Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur campaign.

There have been calls for Mr Hunt to resign over allegations staff at his Department of Culture, Media and Sport gave Rupert Murdoch foot and back rubs every day for two years.

Mr Hunt, who denies any wrongdoing, insists his support for the PETA campaign is not a gimmick designed to divert attention from the developing Murdoch scandal.

He said: “I simply wanted to put it on the record, when asked as to my preference between going naked and wearing fur, that on balance I would rather go naked than wear fur.”

UK prison budget blown on celebrity olive survey

HOME Secretary Theresa May has defended her decision to spend the entire UK prisons budget on a survey to find out which celebrities like olives.

The £2.5billion study was launched last year, and the results, together with the entire UK prison population, will be released early next week.

Mrs May said it had been "an extremely interesting survey with some fascinating results."

She added: “We accept that some very dangerous individuals will soon be at large across the UK.

“But the flipside is that we now know that Lady Gaga, Charles Spencer, John Sergeant, Miss Dynamite and Colin Firth all love olives.

“We also know that Rob Brydon only likes black olives, while Colin Montgomerie, Mika and Jessica Alba can't stand either kind.

“Plus, we had some spare forms which means we know now how the bulk of the prison population feels about olives.

“We couldn't be happier.”

Voters deserve the very best excuses - PM

THE Coalition Government is taking pre-emptive action to prevent a repeat of the Jeremy Hunt fiasco - by publishing a list of all the important things it doesn't know are happening under its nose.

The move follows the public outcry over revelations that Mr Hunt was unaware his Department of Culture, Media and Sport had ordered a £12billion gold Sky dish direct from Rupert Murdoch.

The list includes admissions designed to head off the following scandals:

The cancellation of the Olympics because nobody remembered to buy any hurdles - Hugh Robertson, Olympics Minister, will reveal that his mobile phone was broken, meaning he could not ask Lord Coe how preparations for the Games were going.

The spectacular undermining of the hosepipe ban by civil servants at Defra, who spent three months throwing more than 18,000 water bombs at each other - Environment Minister Richard Benyon will reveal he was working at home the whole time because he had a sore back.

The collapse of Britain's trade relations with China and India after Jeremy Clarkson managed to clone himself – Science Minister David Willets will release e-mails showing that Clarkson was only allowed access to a top secret Government laboratory after providing written assurances that he only wanted to film some test tubes for a Top Gear special.

In an interview today with CBeebies, Prime Minister David Cameron said: “The public have the right to expect the highest standards from their elected officials.

“And when we consistently fail to meet those standards, it is only right that we have the proper excuses mechanism in place to deal with the fall-out.”

Pubic lice next for Attenborough

AFTER shining a light on every corner of the animal kingdom, wildlife presenter Sir David Attenborough will next turn his attention to the rarely seen world of pubic lice.

Sir David will delve into a murky world of groins, armpits and even eyebrows in a bid to dispel some of the common myths about thirus pubis – the crab louse.

Publicity material for his upcoming series, Life With An Itch, describes the crab louse as a much misunderstood creature, which until now has not received the attention it deserves. That should all change after this 24-part epic.

The BBC confirmed pubic lice were chosen for the series because Sir David has covered every other animal at least three times.

A spokesman said: “He's done it all: Koalas, plankton, Chihuahuas, so there was really nothing left.

“At one point we thought we'd cracked it when somebody suggested tapeworm, but we'd forgotten about David's groundbreaking series, A Tapeworm And I, back in the late 60s.”

The BBC also confirmed Sir David would begin shooting a 12-part series on placentas in early 2013.

Bullshit converter hits UK high streets

THE first hand-held device which can accurately translate what people say into what they mean goes on sale across the UK today.

The Bullshit Converter has a database of over 25,000 everyday phrases, and uses pitch and tone of voice, body language and satellite imaging to determine what the speaker actually means.

Examples include: “If I've got a problem with someone, I'll say it to their face” - “I'm rude”

“Can you spare any change?” - “I love vodka”

“I'm really proud of you, son!” - “You're a crushing disappointment, as always”

“Us, what we have, I don't think it's working” - “I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU”

There are no plans to allow The Bullshit Converter anywhere near Westminster.

World's bling reserves will run out by 2035

THE world's reserves of bling could run out by 2035, according to a shock report released today.

The study by the Global Conservation Trust suggests that if the mining of gold rings and gaudy chains continues at its current rate, supplies of bling will fall by 35% in the next seven years alone.

Professor Connor Lewitsky, from the GCT, said: “We have to act now, unless we want our grandchildren to have to turn to the internet to find out what a tasteless metal accessory looks like.”

Professor Lewitsky also warned we could soon see similar scenes to the 2008 bling supplier strike, which only ended when Ron Atkinson and 50 Cent kidnapped several world leaders and threatened to execute them live on television unless the strike was broken.

FA to name England's Euro 2012 boss "by 2014"

THE Football Association has set a challenging 2014 deadline to pick a new England manager for the 2012 European Championships.

In a thinly veiled attack on the laws of space and time, FA chairman David Bernstein insisted a new manager would be able to improve England's fortunes at this summer's Euros, even if he was not appointed for another two years.

Mr Bernstein told a press conference that an initial longlist containing 7.01 billion names had been whittled down to 130,000.

He said: “I fervently believe that even if we did not find the right man until 2018, he would still be able to have a positive influence on the 2012 European Championships.

“We keep hearing how hindsight is a wonderful thing; this could be our chance to prove it.”

Mr Bernstein denied the FA had been dragging its heels during the process to select a new England manager.

“Far from it,” he said.

“We've all been watching a lot of soccerball over the past few weeks and we're inching closer to a decision.

“There are many outstanding candidates, such as Kenny Keegan, Garth Crooks and Eileen Drury, but we can't rush into this.

“Plus we've been ever so busy recently, what with the debate about goal-line technology, and my daughter's upcoming wedding.”

Meanwhile, bookmakers have stopped taking bets on England's squad once again disgracing their country at this summer's championships, through a series of woeful performances, dressing-room bust-ups, ill-advised sexual liaisons with each other's wives and homophobic tweets.

Double-dip recession "just like Dallas" - Cameron

DAVID Cameron has told Parliament he is confident Britain's double-dip recession is actually a fictional plot device like series seven of Dallas – and poses no threat to our economy.

Mr Cameron informed MPs that he would wake any day now and open his bathroom door to find a perfectly healthy economy inside.

He said: “The idea that such a talented collection of men and women could have made such a hash of the economy – just like the previous lot did - is fanciful.

“Now that I know this is just a dream, I'm a lot more relaxed about the situation.

“And as it's my dream, I can do whatever I want, like invade Bradford West, or take VAT off gold cufflinks.”

Sexting rare among gibbons, survey shows

THE sending of sexually explicit text messages, photographs or videos – sexting - is more common among humans than other animals, a new study has confirmed.

A team from the University of Dundee found that while 92% of teenagers aged 14-18 admitted to having received a sexually explicit text in the last 12 months, only 3% of juvenile gibbons said the same.

The figure was even lower among rainbow trout (2.2%) but slightly higher among cheetahs, gazelle, hermit crabs and manatees.

Dr Leo Waldhorf, from the university's Department of Studies, said: “These findings show us two things.

“Firstly, that sexting is primarily an activity conducted by primates, and humans in particular; and secondly, that we have far too much time on our hands.”

Thundercat due before Leveson enquiry

A CHARACTER from the 1980s children's cartoon series, Thundercats, has been asked to appear before the Leveson enquiry into phone hacking and press standards.

WileyKit is expected to tell the inquiry how she discovered her phone had been hacked in 2007, after the News of the World reported that she had been having an incestuous affair with her brother, WilyKat.

Earlier this year, another Thundercat, Lion-O, reached an out-of-court settlement with Rupert Murdoch's News International, after the News of the World erroneously reported that he and other Thundercats had conducted a campaign of bullying and sexual harassment against fellow character, Snarf.

Overtype mode "worse than Russell Brand"

THE unwanted enabling of “overtype” mode on Microsoft Word is the most annoying there has ever been, a new survey has revealed.

After polling more than 11 people, scientists from the University of Birmingham discovered overtype mode is more annoying than the eggtimer or blue circle which signify that your computer hates you, a remote control not working even when it's got new batteries in it, and Russell Brand.

A separate study by the same team has also backed up anecdotal evidence that Microsoft's 'Help and Support' service has never helped anybody.

Olympics "the perfect time to bury bad news" - MP

THE Government will rush through a 30p-a-litre rise in fuel duty at the exact moment Usain Bolt crosses the finish line in this summer's Olympic 100-metre final.

It is one of a series of bold bad news announcements being planned by the Coalition, to best take advantage of the public's attention being diverted by the London showpiece.

A senior Government source said: “The 100-metre final is the biggie and we're not going to miss out.

“We'll only have about 9.6 seconds to make the announcement, possibly 9.5 if the wind's on his side, so we've got to get it right.

“If Bolt does his hamstring in during a heat, none of us will be re-elected.”

The MP admitted that should Mo Farah take the lead in either the 5,000 or 10,000-metre races, the Coalition will pounce to scrap the Winter Fuel Allowance for the elderly, who will instead receive a thin blanket and some Ovaltine vouchers.

Tom Daley's appearances in the diving event could be used to bury a lower-profile bad news story, such as the resurgence of Blue Tongue Disease, or a further increase in university tuition fees.

Labour MP Tom Hinchley said everybody in Britain should be praying this summer's Games are a total washout.

“I'll be sticking pins in a Usain Bolt voodoo doll, that's for sure.

“And imagine if England's footballers so much as win a corner at the Euros. The Coalition will probably announce that global warming's about to claim half of Norwich.”

This summer's announcements will continue a long tradition of bad news being buried at strategically opportune moments.

In 1939, Neville Chamberlain famously waited until the entire country was out watching Gone With The Wind before announcing that Britain was at war with Germany.

Despite her having passed six days earlier, Buckingham Palace did not announce the death of the Queen Mother until March 30, 2002, the same day it was revealed that Nelly Furtado, Ash and Rolf Harris would be playing the Pyramid Stage at that summer's Glastonbury Festival.

And in 2006, Tony Blair memorably pointed skywards and yelled: “Look, an aeroplane!”, before quickly announcing that Iraq had no Weapons of Mass Destruction and was less of a threat to global security than Malta.

Popstar Kelis suffers fresh milkshake slump

THE percentage of boys brought to the yard by American popstar Kelis' milkshake has fallen for a ninth straight year.

According to today's Financial Times, just 37% of all boys were drawn to the yard by the singer's milk-based beverages in 2011/12, compared to 52% in 2010/11.

At the height of her success in 2003, Kelis (real name Kelis Rogers) was attracting 100% of boys to the yard.

A spokesman for Ms Rogers said: “This decline has nothing whatsoever to do with the quality of Kelis' milkshake, which remains as delicious as ever; instead it demonstrates the harsh economic environment in which all milkshake producers are operating in.”

Scientists hail tasteless gag breakthrough

SCIENTISTS say they have perfected a computer which can establish precisely how soon after the death of a celebrity it is acceptable to make a tasteless joke at their expense.

A team from the University of East Anglia has been testing a series of offensive jokes in laboratory conditions for the past six years, using a complex series of algorithms, levers, buttons and pulleys.

Professor Gerald Swinton explained that the breakthrough came when the computer – named ATHRON 5 – was able to correctly predict that by 9.15am on April 17, there would be general acceptance in most UK workplaces of a gag about the deaths of two horses in the Grand National three days earlier.

Professor Swinton added: “It hasn't been easy, especially as only three of our team of 12 have any idea what an algorithm is.

“We'd had some promising results over the past few years, but nothing concrete.

“Back in 2010, an earlier prototype, ATHRON 3, correctly predicted that it would take the general public precisely six days, three hours and 11 minutes to take a joke about the death of much-loved rugby commentator Bill McClaren, in good heart.

“But then the computer totally blew it by misreading the public's reaction to the death of Gary Coleman later that year.”

Professor Swinton and his team believe the breakthrough could revolutionise the way we approach tasteless jokes.

"We're not far off the day when an office wag can safely deliver a tasteless, yet moderately amusing gag about the passing of a Coronation Street actor, for example, without fear of offending his or her colleagues.

"It's the silver bullet we've been waiting for."

It is not yet known when a version of ATHRON 5 will be available for public use, but there has already been strong demand from stand-up comics.

Earlier this year, Jimmy Carr was forced to apologise to the family of the late blues singer Etta James, after making an ill-advised quip about her passing from leukaemia, four days before it happened.

Mr Carr initially blamed the incident on an administrative error, but later admitted he had stolen an untested version of the ATHRON 4 prototype, which has since been put in a box and placed on top of a very tall cupboard so nobody can reach it.

Woman, 19, tells of horrific footballer ordeal

A TRAUMATISED young woman has described the horrifying moment she was treated with dignity and respect by a Premier League footballer.

Wiping away tears, the 19-year-old hairdresser from Preston, who for celebrity reasons can be referred to only by her bra size, told how the footy star, who plays for a top side within a brief helicopter ride of somewhere nice:

DIDN'T punch her when she spurned his initial advances

DIDN'T ply her with alcohol or spike her drink

DIDN'T film her performing a sex act on him

AND remembered her name a whole day after meeting her.

Ms 36D described how she first met the footballer in a swanky South-West London nightspot.

“He spotted me from a distance while I was at the bar. I could tell straight away he was keen.

“But when he came over, I knew immediately that something was wrong. He didn't try and grab my ass, or ask me whether I'd ever fantasised about being roasted by 11 men.”

Despite her initial scepticism, Ms 36D agreed to meet the footballer in a bar the following evening.

“When he arrived, he immediately referred to me by my name, which meant he hadn't confused me with another girl he was shagging. I should have realised then that this was a big mistake.”

After taking Ms 36D out for a three-course meal at a restaurant in Kensington, the soccer ace then invited her back to his apartment.

“He hadn't tried to ply me with alcohol, and I could tell he hadn't slipped anything in my glass of white wine. It was getting weird.”

Back at his flat, the footballer made no advances towards her and later ordered her a taxi home, without having once asked her to perform a sex act on him while he filmed it on his mobile phone.

“The final straw was when he asked if I wanted to come for Sunday lunch with his parents.

“I just ran out of the flat, screaming. No woman should have to go through what I went through.”

Nobody from football was available for comment.

iPhone sends UK unemployment to all-time low

UK unemployment was slashed to an all-time low of zero last night, after the Government controversially rebranded poncing around with an iPhone as a full-time career.

iPhone-using twonks will now receive a basic salary of three apps a month. Labour leader Ed Miliband argued the move would do nothing to improve overall living standards in the UK, and would make iPhone users even smugger.

Prime Minister David Cameron rejected the criticism, and said poncing around with an iPhone was a noble British tradition dating back several months.

Mr Cameron then created an unflattering picture of Mr Miliband on the Draw Something app on his iPhone 4S. Nobody from technology was available for comment.

Schoolboys confess to Rangers takeover hoax

THE proposed takeover of Rangers Football Club was plunged into doubt last night after one of the leading bidders was revealed to be two small boys standing on top of each other inside a linen suit.

Administrator Duff and Phelps became suspicious of Bill Miller's bid after a closer inspection revealed it was to be financed by the kidnap and subsequent ransom of Jedward.

When Paul Clark, of Duff and Phelps, approached Mr Miller to discuss the findings, siblings Ross and Luke McFarland tumbled out of the suit and confessed their bid had been a big joke.

Elder brother Ross, aged 7, said: “We were only having a bit of fun. We didn't think anybody would take it seriously. I mean, why would anybody want to spend real money on a Scottish football team?”

If successful, the brothers' bid would also have seen players paid in Irn Bru, and Ibrox renamed Ross and Luke's Fun Factory.

Duff and Phelps has also been forced to deny speculation that Singaporean businessman Bill Ng – now the sole bidder - is also a boy or boys in a man's suit.

Mr Clark said: “At this stage, there is no reason to believe that Mr Ng is not a real businessman with a genuine interest in taking over Rangers Football Club.

“I typed his name into Google and loads of results came up, so he must be real.”

Earlier this week, the Blue Knights consortium withdrew from the bidding process and revealed itself to be 2010 X Factor duo Twem.

The ugly truth behind the Crystal Maze

RICHARD O'Brien, former host of cult 90s TV gameshow, The Crystal Maze, today sensationally broke a 20-year silence to uncover one of the show's most enduring secrets.

In an interview with The Guardian, O'Brien has finally admitted there were no gold bits of paper on that end bit of the show, ending years of debate as to why contestants were too hopeless to ever win anything.

O'Brien confessed: “The contestants would be flapping their arms frantically, unable to figure out why they could only ever collect silver paper. I was in pieces; it was hysterical. But I had to hold it together for the good of the show.”

In the same interview, O'Brien denied suggestions The Crystal Maze's producers made sure no competent human being ever made it onto the show.

"There was no bias involved in the screening process," O'Brien told the paper. "But anybody who had confessed to a phobia of crystals did get something of a leg-up."

Responding to the revelation, Professor James Marks, head of the Faculty of Light Entertainment at Bournemouth University, said: “I knew it. I bl**dy knew it.”

The news is a further blow to the integrity of British broadcasting, after last week's “Hartgate” scandal.

The BBC is facing calls for an independent inquiry after it admitted that paintings submitted to “The Gallery” on Tony Hart's much-loved Take Hart show of the 1970s and 80s, were created not by children but by sex offenders incarcerated in Wakefield Prison.