Bullshit converter hits UK high streets

THE first hand-held device which can accurately translate what people say into what they mean goes on sale across the UK today.

The Bullshit Converter has a database of over 25,000 everyday phrases, and uses pitch and tone of voice, body language and satellite imaging to determine what the speaker actually means.

Examples include: “If I've got a problem with someone, I'll say it to their face” - “I'm rude”

“Can you spare any change?” - “I love vodka”

“I'm really proud of you, son!” - “You're a crushing disappointment, as always”

“Us, what we have, I don't think it's working” - “I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU”

There are no plans to allow The Bullshit Converter anywhere near Westminster.