THE Government will rush through a 30p-a-litre rise in fuel duty at the exact moment Usain Bolt crosses the finish line in this summer's Olympic 100-metre final.
It is one of a series of bold bad news announcements being planned by the Coalition, to best take advantage of the public's attention being diverted by the London showpiece.
A senior Government source said: “The 100-metre final is the biggie and we're not going to miss out.
“We'll only have about 9.6 seconds to make the announcement, possibly 9.5 if the wind's on his side, so we've got to get it right.
“If Bolt does his hamstring in during a heat, none of us will be re-elected.”
The MP admitted that should Mo Farah take the lead in either the 5,000 or 10,000-metre races, the Coalition will pounce to scrap the Winter Fuel Allowance for the elderly, who will instead receive a thin blanket and some Ovaltine vouchers.
Tom Daley's appearances in the diving event could be used to bury a lower-profile bad news story, such as the resurgence of Blue Tongue Disease, or a further increase in university tuition fees.
Labour MP Tom Hinchley said everybody in Britain should be praying this summer's Games are a total washout.
“I'll be sticking pins in a Usain Bolt voodoo doll, that's for sure.
“And imagine if England's footballers so much as win a corner at the Euros. The Coalition will probably announce that global warming's about to claim half of Norwich.”
This summer's announcements will continue a long tradition of bad news being buried at strategically opportune moments.
In 1939, Neville Chamberlain famously waited until the entire country was out watching Gone With The Wind before announcing that Britain was at war with Germany.
Despite her having passed six days earlier, Buckingham Palace did not announce the death of the Queen Mother until March 30, 2002, the same day it was revealed that Nelly Furtado, Ash and Rolf Harris would be playing the Pyramid Stage at that summer's Glastonbury Festival.
And in 2006, Tony Blair memorably pointed skywards and yelled: “Look, an aeroplane!”, before quickly announcing that Iraq had no Weapons of Mass Destruction and was less of a threat to global security than Malta.
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