Leveson puts Hugh Grant in charge of media

LORD Leveson will put Hugh Grant in charge of the media tomorrow, the Ugly Truth can reveal.

We have been leaked a copy of Leveson's long-awaited report into press standards, in which he names the Nine Months star the sole arbiter of what we read, watch and listen to.

Grant's powers will be phased in over the coming weeks.

Tomorrow, the Press Complaints Commission will be abolished and Grant will become regulator of all UK publications, from The Sun to Oral Hygiene Monthly.

He will be given the power to replace any articles about himself or his friends with pictures of kittens.

Next week, he will become leader writer for all broadsheets and tabloids, and is expected to use this privilege to tell readers every morning what a delight it was to work with Richard Curtis.

Finally, Grant, who was noshed off by a tart around 20 years ago, will receive the keys to Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre's Jaguar on Christmas morning.

In the leaked report, Leveson reveals he rejected demands by News Corporation chairman Rupert Murdoch to keep self-regulation of the press.

Murdoch claimed the problem of false, intrusive, insensitive and defamatory newspaper articles could be addressed by using a cuddlier font.

Generic article on Middle East crisis

ISRAEL is lightening the gloom in the Middle East by turning its deadly air strikes on Gaza into a series of humorous nightly podcasts.

The 10-minute recordings, available on iTunes, feature the best of each day's explosions, accompanied by quirky commentary from Karl Pilkington.

Palestinian militant group Hamas has responded by turning its rocket attacks on Israel and its brutal executions of alleged Israeli informants into a two-hour long audiobook, narrated by Ulrika Jonsson.

BREAKING NEWS: Chelsea sack Di Matteo's replacement

CHELSEA are to unveil - and sack - their new manager this afternoon following the dismissal earlier of Roberto Di Matteo.

The Italian was given his marching orders after failing to turn base metal into gold and for having a bit of a weasel face.

Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich is to hold a press conference at 3pm on board a private jet at Heathrow Airport.

There, he will unveil Rafa Benitez as the new manager, before sacking him for failing to make it nice and warm outside.

Benitez will then be flown to a quiet island to grieve.

A Chelsea spokesman said in a statement: "We'd like to thank Rafa for his dedicated service over many, many seconds.

"The club feels the time is right for a change as Roman is quite frankly, bored shitless with life at the moment."

The spokesman told journalists they could save time by using that same statement whenever necessary in coming months, replacing the word Rafa with Jose, Harry, Fabio, Guus and Pep, as appropriate.

Commiserations, it's a cunt!

A NEW pregnancy kit will tell a mother if her unborn child is worth having.

Current technology can only reveal whether a woman is pregnant but a new handheld device hitting shelves next month will go a step further.

Developed by Johnson and Johnson, MamaMia will turn blue if a woman is not pregnant, pink if she is, and orange if her child will turn into a right shit.

Maurice Horfield, head of fiendish technology at Johnson and Johnson, said: “Surveys suggest that 75% of parents are fond of their children but we aim to make that figure closer to 100% in future.

“Speaking personally, I have three wonderful daughters and the thought of being without them doesn't bear thinking about.

“But my son, Kevin, I could quite happily do without.”

Critics have suggested the technology could reduce the UK birthrate to zero by 2014.

And Brian Harrington, managing director of leading card manufacturer UK Greetings, said: “This is a potentially worrying development for the greetings card industry.

“While we might see a small lift in sales of 'Congratulations, it's a boy!' and 'Congratulations, it's a girl!' cards, we expect to see the market flat-line for 'Commiserations, it's a cunt!'

Did Jimmy Savile racially abuse drugs with Lance Armstrong?

ANOTHER two million inquiries were launched this morning into all the wrongdoing that has ever happened.

One of the key inquiries will look at whether, as well as sexually abusing everybody who has ever worn a school uniform, Jimmy Savile also racially abused performance enhancing drugs with disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong.

That inquiry will be headed by Sir Chris Hoy and Zig from Channel 4's Big Breakfast duo, Zig and Zag.

The Director-General of the BBC, George Entwistle, said: “We'll also be investigating claims the 96 victims of the Hillsborough Tragedy were crushed to death by Jimmy Savile.

“Personally, I don't think they were, but......you know how it is.”

Mr Entwistle announced a separate inquiry, to be headed by mid-90s one-hit wonders Gala International and Ultra Nate, will look into whether alleged failures in corporate governance at the BBC had anything to do with him forgetting to put the bins out this morning.

BBC football pundit Garth Crooks and former children's TV presenter Dave Benson Phillips have also set up a commission to see whether Kick Racism Out of Football, Show Racism the Red Card, Give Racism the Boot, Leave Racism at the Turnstiles, Smash Racism into Row Z, Bend Racism Like Beckham, Make a Messi of Racism, Please Don't Use the N-Word, No Room for Racism, Black or White, It's Alright!, Don't Say or Do Anything Racist, and Be Nice To All People, Regardless of Race, Religion, Age or Sexual Persuasion, could merge to form one anti-racism organisation.

The Ferdinand brothers, Rio, Anton and Franz, have said whatever happens, they will not be wearing a t-shirt this weekend because they're all in the wash.

Nobody from racism was available for comment.

Olympic warning for Burger King fans

THOUSANDS of spectators will be turned away from Olympic venues for craving products offered by non-sponsors, organisers have confirmed.

Official sponsors of the Games include Coca-Cola, McDonalds, Lloyds TSB, Visa and Samsung.

At a press conference this morning, Lord Coe, the chairman of organisers Locog, said anybody caught craving a Burger King Double Whopper sandwich, for example, would be immediately ejected.

He also confirmed that Bob Diamond, disgraced ex-chief executive of Barclays Bank who has tickets for the women's skeet shooting event on July 29, will only be admitted to the venue if he switches his current account to Lloyds TSB at the gate.

Lord Coe also confirmed that the lead architect responsible for the Olympic Park was shot dead by G4S security guards this morning after it was discovered he had used his Mastercard to withdraw cash from his Barclays account to buy a Burger King meal and a Pepsi, before tweeting about his purchases using his iPad.

The ugly truth behind the Olympic Lanes

THE gridlock-generating Olympic Games Lanes have today been exposed as a front for a Top Gear special.

The BBC has admitted that it pushed for the creation of the dedicated lanes – which the public has been told are exclusively for athletes and officials – so that Jeremy Clarkson, James May and Richard Hammond could race each other using radio-controlled wheelbarrows.

Since the lanes opened at 6am this morning, nobody has reached their destination, anywhere in the world.

Jams Minister Norman Baker said: “We fully understand the frustrations of motorists at this situation.

“As a short-term measure, we would encourage all drivers to beep their horns as often as possible, as this has been proven the world over to improve traffic flow and reduce congestion.”

The Cube set for Olympic debut

ITV game show The Cube has been named as a replacement Olympic sport after handball pulled out with a thigh injury.

At an emergency meeting this morning, the International Olympic Committee plumped for the Philip Schofield-hosted show from a shortlist of eight back-up sports.

The other contenders were: team grimacing, bedroom gymnastics, air guitar, crowd surfing, weight watching, beat boxing and Frank Spencer impressionisation.

Teams from 24 nations will now compete for The Cube medals at a hastily erected studio near Phillips Idowu in East London.

UK troops to protect Gabby Logan

ALL UK troops are to be withdrawn from Afghanistan to guard the BBC's Olympic host, Gabby Logan.

In a move that would presumably bother some people if it were true, Armed Forces Minister Nick Harvey announced that all British forces in Afghanistan would be sent home on a big raft over the weekend.

Mr Harvey told the House of Commons this morning: “Truthfully, I've no idea what will happen in Afghanistan following an immediate withdrawal of troops.

“But these things sometimes just sort themselves out, don't they?

“What I do know, however, is that if anything happened to Mrs Logan, my enjoyment of the BBC's highlights package would be dimmed by at least 15-20%.

“That's just not happening,” he added.

New Radio 1 breakfast show host: "I'll be just like Chris Moyles"

THE new host of the BBC Radio 1 Breakfast Show has reassured listeners - “I will be just as obnoxious, unbearable and unlistenable as Chris Moyles”.

Nick Grimshaw (pictured, left) will take over the lucrative job of mouth-farting to the nation from September, after the BBC decided there was insufficient room in its studios to fit both Chris Moyles' bulk and his ego.

A BBC spokesman said: “We gave Chris the choice. He could either lose several stone and keep his detestable personality, or he could stay a giant, blubbering aberration but work on his social skills.

“He declined our offer so he had to go.”

Moyles (below, right) announced the news of his departure on his show this morning.

Reports in the Far East say Britain's sighs of relief could be heard as far away as China.

However, there was a twist later this morning in the form of a tweet from new host Grimshaw, in which he promised to remain true to the core values of the breakfast show slot.

He wrote: “A lot of yoo lissners mite be afrade I'm gonna turn the show all poncy or summit, but that's bollocks!”

Grimshaw promised to spend the next two months in a brutal ego training camp, at the end of which he said he hoped his misplaced sense of self-worth would be even greater than that of Moyles.

He also promised to patronise his listeners, play shite music and surround himself with even more fawning, woefully unfunny oafs than Moyles did.

BREAKING NEWS: Julian Assange arrested

WIKILEAKS founder Julian Assange has been arrested outside the Ecuadorian Embassy in London.

Mr Assange was detained by officers from the Metropolitan Police at 4.15am this morning after sneaking out to try to find an embassy with a better Sky package.

He had been living in the embassy since arriving on June 19, declaring he was seeking asylum and “a chance to find myself”.

Mr Assange, Australia's premier Anders Breivik lookalike, has been using a variety of methods to stave off boredom during his self-imposed house arrest.

He has personalised his room, putting up posters of women he has definitely not sexually assaulted.

On the door to his room, he has hung a wooden tablet with the message: “The real leader of the free world lives here”.

He has also taken on a variety of disguises in order to file bogus asylum claims under the names of his favourite cartoon characters.

Just a few hours before his arrest, he had also tweeted a picture of a cat he had drawn on the Draw Something app, which he proclaimed looked “just like a cat”.

Mr Assange is now likely to be charged or released or extradited or something.

Britain's flood victims to be sheltered in The Shard

EVERYBODY in Britain is to be evacuated into The Shard, which by tomorrow morning will be the only thing in the country not under water.

As floods continue to wreak havoc nationwide, authorities are planning to use the 1,000ft, 72-storey eyesore as a refuge centre until the waters subside.

Floods Minister Gerald Loop said: “With 60million people piling into one building, conditions will be less than ideal, so we are asking people to be considerate and only bring things that are essential, such as screaming children, phones with annoying ringtones, and chronic flatulence.”

Developer Eduard de Toit, who commissioned The Shard, said: “We are of course happy to help out the nation in a time of crisis.

“And to be honest, we had no idea what we were going to do with the building anyway so this kind of works for us.”

The Government has also hired TV psychiatrist Dr Raj Persaud (pictured below) to help the nation open up its feelings about the weather.

In a leaflet which will be handed to every person arriving in The Shard, whether they want it or not, Dr Persaud writes: “The first thing you must do is be open about your feelings about the weather. “Too many Britons can't bring themselves to say that the weather really is horrible, isn't it?

“Or they think they'll be shouted down if they say something like 'summer, what summer?'

“But actually, talking about the weather could be a great conversational starter, and become something that brings Britons of all ages, races and religions, together, if only they'd give it a chance.”

Meanwhile, 17,000 people drowned yesterday afternoon after attending a flashmob on a bridge over the River Otter in Ottery St Mary, Devon.

The river had burst its banks three hours before the scheduled flashmob and everybody who arrived to take part was swept to their deaths.

Tommy Ronaldson organised the event via a group on Facebook.

He said afterwards: “I was aware with the weather warnings beforehand that there was a risk to people's health.

“But if the rain had stayed away, the event would have been quite good fun. It was a risk I was willing to take.”

Queen's sexual thrill during Martin McGuinness handshake

THE Queen has reportedly described her handshake with Sinn Fein's Martin McGuinness as a “moment of spine-tingling sexual magic”.

The meeting between Her Majesty and Mr McGuinness had been hailed as a deeply symbolic gesture, and a sign of the political advances in Northern Ireland over the last ten years.

But instead, all the talk afterwards was about the overt sexual chemistry between the pair.

The BBC's Ireland correspondent Mark Simpson said: “When they clapped eyes on each other, it was like a cruise-liner full of fireworks going off at once.

“And then the handshake........well let's just say it was all they could do not to go and book a room at Premier Inn on the spot.”

At an evening reception in Stormont, the Queen was seen twirling her hair and making furtive glances towards Mr McGuinness.

At around 9pm, she retired to her private quarters, complaining of an upset chin.

Fifteen minutes later, Mr McGuinness made his excuses, distractedly telling a colleague that he had to “water his desk”.

Neither of them were seen until breakfast the following morning, when, according to sources close to the grapefruit juice, the Queen appeared flushed and Mr McGuinness “had a grin the size of Belfast”.

A Buckingham Palace spokeswoman denied there was any romantic relationship between Her Majesty and Northern Ireland's Deputy First Minister.

The spokeswoman said: “They are merely good friends.

“Very, very good friends,” she added with a naughty laugh.

Just £6 a month could clear Greece of vomit

THEY have blocked your path on every high street, wearing their cheery grins and clipboards, and requesting only a moment of your time and all of your bank details.

Usually though, these direct approach fundraisers – or 'chuggers', as they prefer to be known – are bothering you because they want you to help Mend The Children or save the Peruvian dancing sloth from extinction.

From tomorrow, though, everything is going to change.

With the backing of all the eurozone members, a team of 30,000 chuggers will hit Britain's streets, taking direct debits from you – to bail out the Greek economy.

EU President Herman Van Rompuy explained: “Nobody wants to see Greece leave the eurozone. And nobody wants to see a chugger.

“But one or the other has to happen, and we've decided that for the good of the entire EU family, Britons are just going to have to put up with more dreadlocked numpties leaping in front of them outside HMV for a while longer.”

Mr Van Rompuy stressed Britain is not alone in sharing the burden of fixing Greece.

In Germany, a run of television adverts will begin next week, pleading with people to pour their cash down a different drain to normal, by giving to Greece.

The adverts, which have been scheduled for prime-time shows including At Home With Oliver Kahn and David Hasselhoff's Autobahn Adventure, tell viewers that donating just £2-a-month could help a Greek falafel maker buy enough chickpeas to feed a family of four for one hour, or that donating £6-a-month could keep the pavement outside a nightclub on the island of Kos clear of vomit for 25 minutes.

In France, meanwhile, the EU has funded a series of national newspaper adverts, offering readers the chance to sponsor former Newcastle United defender Nikos Dabizas.

Somewhere....out there....it's England 1 Italy 0

A TEAM of scientists has discovered that England's footballers won last night's match against Italy in just one out of the 4.5 billion known parallel universes.

In that single parallel dimension, England recorded 26% possession and scored the only goal of the game when Italy's Mario Balotelli fired into his own net in protest at his team-mate Gianluigi Buffon's poor taste in music.

England then successfully defended their goal using the Roman legionnaires' legendary testudo (toirtoise) defence (see picture, right) , which involved locking arms and forming an impenetrable barrier in front of Joe Hart's goal.

Professor Albert Heynckel, from the University of Zurich, led the study.

He said: “There is great diversity between the dimensions. For example, in one, the US Government is run by a colony of beavers and in another, there are three bands claiming to be the original One Direction, not two.

“But what's really remarkable from this study is that in not one single dimension do we see any evidence of England playing any football from the 20-minute mark onwards, nor of Ashley Young successfully passing to a team-mate.”

First we'll win Euro 2012, then find a cure for cancer

ENGLAND'S footballers will begin work on a cure for all known diseases within minutes of picking up the Euro 2012 trophy.

As a host of jingoistic figures from English history step forward to predict an England tournament triumph, it is understood Roy Hodgson's squad are preparing for their next major challenge.

A source close to Theo Walcott said: “Having bumbled our way out of the group stages, we were being quite calm in our expectations about the rest of the tournament.

“We'd felt we'd done quite well so far and beating Italy in the quarter-final would be a great achievement.

“But all that's changed since the media roped in every famous person ever born in England to publicly say we'll win the whole thing.

“Our expectations have risen accordingly.”

This morning, England's 1966 World Cup winning hero Sir Bobby Charlton said he believed that if England got past Italy, they would go on to win the tournament.

A raft of famous names have since joined the fray.

Anne of Cleeves, the fourth wife of King Henry VIII, told The Andrew Marr Show: “I believe England will beat Spain 4-1 in the final, and then there's no stopping them.

“Give Joleon Lescott 30 minutes with a napkin, and I fully expect him to have knocked up a workable peace plan for the whole of the Middle East.

“In fact, it'll be so good that everybody, regardless of their religion, will go 'oh yeah, why didn't I think of that!' and then fall about laughing.”

18th century Prime Minister William Pitt the Elder, writing in The People, said:

“After we've won the final, I think we should concentrate on either eradicating polio, or designing sofas so that coins, mobile phones and keys can't fall down the back of them.”

Over 42 million people are expected to gather in London's Trafalgar Square for the England squad's victorious homecoming parade on July 2; over half are likely to stay in the capital for the knighting of Glen Johnson, Leighton Baines and Jack Butland.

DISCLAIMER: The Ugly Truth accepts no responsibility for the meaninglessness of this article after England get knocked out by Italy this evening.

China's first woman astronaut reverses spaceship into asteroid

CHINA'S first female astronaut has crashed her spaceship into an asteroid while attempting a basic reverse parking manoeuvre this morning.

Liu Yang pranged the Shenzhou-9 craft into a 360,000-tonne lump of rock while trying to pull over to go for a wee.

China's space agency says Liu was put off by male astronauts in passing spaceships scrutinising her parking skills and making disparaging comments. Shenzhou-9 blasted off from the Gobi desert on Saturday, to further China's attempts to build its own space station.

But it has already travelled 4,000 light years in the wrong direction, because women can't read maps.

First Jimmy Carr, now Chuckle Brothers caught in tax storm

HE may be one of Britain's top funnymen but few were laughing when they read The Times' front page story this week about Jimmy Carr.

The paper revealed Mr Carr avoids paying any income tax by putting all his money on a buoy floating in the North Sea, tantalisingly outside of UK jurisdiction.

However, the Ugly Truth can reveal that he is by no means the only penny-pinching mirth-maker using means fair or foul to keep their vast fortune.

A source close to TV's Chuckle Brothers – aka Barry and Paul Elliott - has described how their accounting flair has helped them rob UK taxpayers of several million pounds over the years.

The source said: “People think they're idiots but trust me, these are two of the sharpest operators in the business.

“They have a number of ways of keeping hold of all of their cash, and coining in a fair bit more on the side.

“Firstly, they pay no income tax or corporation tax whatsoever, even though anybody who's watched ChuckleVision over the years will have seen them operating a thriving handyman business.

“Somehow they've managed to convince the Inland Revenue that they've never completed a single job to a satisfactory standard and have thus never been paid a penny.

“Secondly, they claim all kinds of benefits. Barry has managed to convince the authorities that he can't walk 30 yards without a custard pie finding his face or without him tripping on a landmine, so he gets Jobseeker's Allowance, Disability Living Allowance, the works.

“Plus, when all else fails, they just knock each other over with ladders and then get straight on the phone to First 4 Lawyers.

“It's ironic that their catchphrase is 'To Me, To You, when their attitude has always been 'To Me, To Me'.”

We have also discovered that Premier Inn's Lenny Henry avoids paying 95% of his income tax contributions by basing his jokes in Gran Canaria, the only place where anybody finds them funny.

Perhaps most scandalously of all, insurance salesman and part-time comic Paul Whitehouse has slashed his debt to the Treasury by having himself registered as a charity.

According to official Charity Commission documents, Mr Whitehouse is “a charitable organisation devoted to the furtherance of irritating impressions and generic Celtic accents.”

Prime Minister David Cameron has promised a widespread review into whether any of these people are funny.

PayWall crashes down as Wanko saves the day!

A message from The Ugly Truth creator Matthew Colledge

“Earlier today, I revealed to readers that due to the difficult environment in which all news media publishers are operating in, The Ugly Truth was to introduce a PayWall from July 1, to charge readers for access to our content.

The response since then has been overwhelming.

We have received nearly one whole email imploring us not to put up a PayWall, and to keep The Ugly Truth free for all.

Well, you have spoken and we have listened.

I am delighted to announce that after long and careful deliberation, we have decided we will no longer be introducing a PayWall.

The decision has partly been aided by the signing today of a four-year contract with our new corporate sponsors, Asian fashion chain Wanko.

Sun Jin Cho, chief executive of Wanko, said: “We are delighted to enter a new period of partnership and prosperity with The Ugly Truth.

“It is a website which shares our core values: truth, justice and fetching leggings at affordable prices.”

On behalf of The Ugly Truth, I would like to thank Mr Cho and Wanko for their support, which has helped to ensure that our content will remain free for all.

Hip Hip, Wanko!"

The new PayWall: an explanation

A message from The Ugly Truth creator Matthew Colledge

“Dear Readers, many of you will have seen rumours floating around the internet suggesting The Ugly Truth is to begin charging for access to its content.

I regret to inform you that these rumours are true.

Due to financial pressures affecting the global publishing economy, and in order to maintain the highest standards of news reporting from across the globe, The Ugly Truth is introducing a PayWall from July 1.

This is not a decision that has been taken lightly, but it is one we hope our loyal followers will understand.

The cost of accessing the site will be as follows.

£15 for one week

£50 for one month

£500 for one year

We will also be offering a range of promotions, offers and discounts in coming months.

Vowel fans are in for a treat as we are offering a 30% discount for anybody who buys a one-year package with all consonants removed from stories.

We are also offering four lucky readers a chance to get a one-week package ABSOLUTELY FREE, in our special reader competition.

Simply e-mail specialreadercompetition@theuglytruth.com, and tell us, in no more than 40,000 words, why our decision to charge you for reading our stories is absolutely fair enough and completely justified in the current economic climate.

Finally, I want to thank everybody who has supported The Ugly Truth over many, many days, and we wish you hours and hours of happy reading to come.”

Mickey the Malignant Tumour predicts England win

IF the defiant defensive display against the French wasn't enough, fans of English football have a new reason to believe their national side can go far in Euro 2012.

Because it's not only pundits who think England can beat Sweden on Friday – so does one of London Zoo's least cuddly tenants, Mickey the Malignant Tumour.

He is the latest in a long line of non-human members of the animal kingdom who have been called upon by zookeepers and the media to predict the results of major football matches since Paul the Octopus at the 2010 World Cup.

Before the England v France game, Mickey's minders at the zoo pinned microscopic England and France flags on to two healthy cells inside the body of a 72-year-old man suffering from lung cancer.

Zookeeper Paul Hampstead explained: “We wanted to see which of the two cells Mickey went for, the one with the England flag or the one with the French flag, but he devoured both of them straight away, meaning he had correctly predicted a draw.

“We were obviously really excited by this, so we decided to try this experiment again this morning, but this time with England and Sweden flags.

“We turned it into a bit of an event, and put the video feed from the pensioner's insides up onto a big screen outside the zoo cafe.

“Without any hesitation, Mickey went for the England cell, at which point the man basically died.

“A huge cheer went up and everybody started waving their England flags. I confess it brought a tear to my eye.”

Bookmakers William Hill, Ladbrokes and BetFred have since reported a surge of bets on England to win Friday's clash with Sweden.

But not everybody is convinced.

German media are today reporting that Ellie the E-Coli, a bacterium stored in a laboratory at the Free University of Berlin, has predicted a Sweden win.

Meanwhile, French daily newspaper Le Monde reports that Henri the H1N1 virus has forecast France and Ukraine will qualify from Group D.

Phil Neville: "Because I'm worth it"

MOST football fans will remember Mario Balotelli's 'Why Always Me?' t-shirt message. Many will also recall Robbie Fowler's printed words of support for sacked Liverpool dockers.

But how many can remember Phil Neville's 'Because I'm Worth It' slogan?

It is one of thousands of previously unseen t-shirt messages which will be featured at the new National Football Museum in Manchester when it opens on July 6.

The collection features a vast range of political and personal messages which were never unveiled during Premier League matches because the t-shirt wearers failed to score a goal.

The list includes:

“Mum, I forgot to record The Archers” - worn by Mick Quinn for Coventry City against Wimbledon in November 1992

“I don't know what an iron is” - Ray Parlour, Arsenal v West Ham United, March 1996

“Let's have cross-party, Pan-European political consensus on North Sea fishing quotas” James Beattie, Southampton v Fulham, December 2001

“Because I'm worth it” - Phil Neville, Manchester United v Middlesbrough, April 2002

“I'm parked in a disabled bay and I fuckin luv it” - Joey Barton, Newcastle United v Everton, February 2008.

One of the museum's permanent exhibits will be Fulham goalkeeper Mark Schwarzer, who will tell visitors how an ill-advised t-shirt message eventually led to the breakdown of his long-term relationship.

Ahead of the exhibition's launch, Mr Schwarzer told The Ugly Truth: “Just after I joined Middlesbrough in 1997, I decided I wanted to find an original and romantic way to propose to my girlfriend, so I wore a t-shirt underneath my goalkeeper's vest which said 'Carly, will you marry me?'.

“I wore the t-shirt at every match for 14 years but unfortunately I never really got into a goalscoring position, so I didn't have the chance to go through with the proposal.

“Carly left me for Brad Friedel last July,” he added.

Prince Philip tweets updates on bladder infection

PRINCE Philip has responded to public concern about his health by tweeting updates on his bladder infection.

The Duke of Edinburgh has spent the past two nights in hospital and missed the end of his wife's Diamond Jubilee.

Buckingham Palace has been releasing occasional, bland statements about the prince's health over the past 48 hours, along the lines of him still being alive and not having died yet.

But now the prince has decided to offer the public a more colourful account of his condition, via his @dukey21 Twitter account.

This morning he wrote: “Feelin much better 2day. Bad nites sleep tho. Was rofa (rolling on the floor in agony) for most of it.

“Told the Asian doctor who asked for a pee sample this morning that he could pee off back to bongobongoland. Quite proud of that! Really missin @queenie26 tho #casualracism #pissingblood”

Euro 2012 latest: Italy 2 Spain 2

AN Italian newspaper has taken the brave step of publishing a Euro 2012 wall chart with all of the Azzurri's results already filled in.

Today's La Gazzetta Dello Sport even carries full match reports on all three of Italy's group matches, even though their campaign doesn't begin until Sunday.

In the introduction to the wall chart, the paper says: “Here is your chance to relive the drama of our 2-2 draw with Spain, the ecstasy of our 3-1 win over Croatia and the agony of our 1-0 defeat to the Republic of Ireland – without having to wait for the matches themselves.”

The paper reveals that Italy will safely progress from Group C on goal difference, only to lose to France in the quarter-finals courtesy of a last minute penalty, conceded when eight Italian players handle the ball at the same time.

The wall chart has received praise from industry insiders, although fears have been raised that there is currently no great interest in football in Italy, with half the population in jail for match-fixing and the other half at a giant bunga bunga party.

Silicone implants could save euro

EU politicians have hired Channel 4's 10 Years Younger team to give the euro a sexy new makeover.

MEPs hope the sagging currency can be saved by silicone implants, buttock lift surgery or simply a snazzy new hairdo.

EU President Herman Van Rompuy said: “We're not far past ten years since Euro notes and coins went into circulation on January 1, 2002.

“If we can make the euro ten years younger, it will be virtually a brand new currency again, without all the problems it's experienced in the past year or so.”

Although some critics have branded the move a gimmick, Mr Van Rompuy said he had “every faith” in the 10 Years Younger team.

He said: “They have worked wonders in bringing back to life many celebrities who have died since 2002, and our currency isn't dead, merely dying.”

The show's presenter Myleene Klass told The Ugly Truth: “We'll be pampering the currency rotten so that by the time we're finished with it, traders all around the world will go weak at the knees at the sight of a single €10 note.”

Meanwhile, BBC journalists have admitted to sneaking in rude words to liven up their reports on the eurozone crisis.

One journalist admitted: "Quite frankly, we know that people just switch off as soon as they realise we're talking about another chuffing bailout for Greece, so we've all been chucking in a bit of sauce to keep the tedium at bay.

"I managed to get the word 'cottaging' three times into a story about the Irish referendum on whether to accept tough new EU budget constraints.

"A colleague of mine has also managed to shoehorn in the words felch, milf, foreplay, dominatrix, anal beads and danger wank into a report on rising unemployment in Spain.

"We've had no complaints so far," he added.

Cold sore cream makers to go on strike

THE Cold Sore Cream Manufacturers' Union – the last organisation in the UK yet to take industrial action in 2012 - has voted to strike on June 19.

CSCMU members will walk out in protest at cuts to their pensions and the general ineffectiveness of their products.

Next week Britain is likely to witness industrial action on the biggest scale since the 1970s, when The Wheelbarrow Wheel Suppliers Union, the Seesaw Seat Manufacturers Association, the Wafer Biscuit Producers Union, the Spirit Level Testers Union, and the Duffel Coat Button Stitchers Union all walk out in protest at each other.

Man jailed for not 'liking' friend's baby photo

A MAN has been jailed for 12 weeks for not 'liking' a photo of his friend's baby within 24 hours of it being posted on Facebook.

Darrell Lucas, 23, from Corby in Northamptonshire, told magistrates he had been unable to access the social networking site because he had been in hospital having a cancerous tumour removed from his lung.

But his excuse was rejected by the panel sitting at Corby Magistrates' Court. William Lawrence, Chairman of the Bench, told Lucas: “Your lamentable failure to 'like' what was clearly a very cute picture of your friend's baby within the mandatory 24-hour cut-off period can only meet with a custodial sentence.”

John Terry denies Ukrainian song rumours

ENGLAND defender John Terry has denied reports he has written a special song about Anton Ferdinand and had it translated into Ukrainian so host fans can sing at the European Championships.

Reports in some of today's newspapers suggest Mr Terry got the idea after watching this week's BBC Panorama documentary about the behaviour of football fans in Ukraine and Poland.

A spokesman for Mr Terry said: “John would like to make it clear that he has not made available for a Ukrainian audience any song making reference to Mr Ferdinand.”

Queen: "I won't celebrate my Jubilee"

THE Queen has stunned her subjects by admitting she has no plans to celebrate her Diamond Jubilee.

Giving a rare interview to the Daily Mail's Femail supplement, Her Majesty said today: “I've got nothing against the monarchy per se, but I'm just not really that bothered about it either way.”

She added: “If there's a street party going on near the palace, I might pop along for some nibbles, but it all depends on what the weather's like and whether it clashes with Dickinson's Real Deal on ITV.”

Jordan Henderson's mum: "Don't take my boy to Euros!"

JORDAN Henderson's mum has admitted she wouldn't pick him for Euro 2012.

Injuries to fellow midfielders Frank Lampard and Gareth Barry have propelled Henderson into contention for a place in England manager Roy Hodgson's team for the championships in Ukraine and Poland.

But speaking to Match magazine, Henderson's mother Pamela admitted she wouldn't have him in her squad.

She said: “Jordan's a lovely boy, always has been.

“He was never any trouble growing up, and always tidied his room when I asked.

“But a dynamic central midfielder capable of besting the likes of Xavi and Iniesta? Fuck, no!”

Henderson's eight-year-old brother Daniel added: “You'd think it'd be cool to have an older brother who plays for Liverpool and England, but weirdly, it's not.”

Fear of bees will qualify you for Paralympics

BEING afraid of bees or struggling to complete a crossword will make you eligible to compete in this summer's Paralympics, organisers of the games have confirmed.

The list of qualifying 'disabilities' was expanded after organisers discovered there are no ramps or lifts to allow people with real handicaps to enter their stadia when the games begin in London in August.

Paralympics spokeswoman Wendy Swann said: “We had a meeting this morning where we agreed that we faced a straight choice between installing ramps at considerable expense, or expanding the list of eligible disabilities to include virtually anything.

“It was a quick meeting.”

Here is a list showing some of the new 'disabilities' and some traditional ailments which no longer qualify.

IN

Ineptitude at household DIY

Social awkwardness

Weak bladder

Fear of most classes of animals (except molluscs)

Poor taste in music

OUT

Wheelchair users

Persons missing one or more limbs

Deaf, mute or blind athletes

Britain's most famous Paralympian, Tanni Grey-Thompson (pictured above) who won 11 gold medals at Paralympic Games, described the decision as “disappointing”.

But the move was welcomed by loft insulation salesman Martin Hayman, of Melton Mowbray in Leicestershire.

Mr Hayman (pictured, right), who now qualifies to represent Great Britain in the 100m backstroke courtesy of his hayfever, said: “This is a wonderful, if overdue, decision taken by the Paralympic authorities.

“It's great that my mildly irritating condition will no longer prevent me from representing my nation at the highest level of sport.”

2.3grams between obese and skinny

A PANEL of tabloid journalists has determined a 'Safe Weight Zone' for female celebrities of 2.3grams – either side of which they are either morbidly obese or alarmingly skinny.

Writers from 25 newspapers and magazines have spent the last fortnight holed up in a boardroom at the Daily Mail's offices in London to agree on the SWZ.

They have been scrutinising over 3,000 photos of famous women printed in their own publications over the past three years.

The panel's chair, Lydia de Rossi, who edits Fluff! magazine, said: “It has been an exhausting process, with much debate and disagreement, but we are happy with the result. The breakthrough came when we examined a sequence of photographs printed in the Daily Express in 2010, showing Kate Moss eating an egg and cress sandwich.

“We were all agreed that by the time she had digested the last bite, Kate had gone from being grotesquely skeletal to a beached whale.

“We then went to Waitrose and bought an ordinary egg and cress sandwich, and weighed a small corner of it, similar to the last bite taken by Kate.

“That's where we got the magic figure of 2.3grams from.”

Ms de Rossi added: “We are not out to demonise celebrities in any way.

“On the contrary, the SWZ will soon become a vital tool for them in preventing them from looking revolting in public.

“In order to stay safely in the SWZ, all they will need to do is drink calorie-neutral meals through a straw and carry a portable treadmill with them at all times.”

Our photos show skin-and-bones Kate (right) and chubby chubster Kate (left).

Syrian dead thank West for doing nothing

THE victims of the massacre in the Houla region of Syria have posthumously told The Ugly Truth of their gratitude towards the Western leaders who have criticised their killers.

Brushing off suggestions that meaningful action to prevent their gruesome deaths would have been more helpful, several of the victims told our reporter that condemnation of the Syrian regime by Western leaders was “as good as a peace deal or military intervention.”

One mother, who was gunned down alongside her eight children, said: “Even as the bullets were raining down on us, our spirits were lifted by the certain knowledge that UK Foreign Secretary William Hague would publicly denounce the slaughter as “jolly mean” within 24 hours.”

A father-of-six who was blown apart by an artillery shell added: “Some people are saying that it would be better if the leaders of the free world did something, rather than simply racing to be the first one to criticise this massacre as a nasty business, but we want them to know that their empty words fill our hearts more than the promise of an immediate end to the bloodshed ever could.”

At a press conference this afternoon, UK Prime Minister David Cameron described the killings as “rather inappropriate” and said if there were more deaths, he would consider reducing the number of free Olympic tickets given to Syrian President Bashar al-Assad and his family.

Other Western leaders were equally quick to condemn the massacre, which has claimed the lives of more than 100 men, women and children.

US President Barack Obama told reporters in Washington that the killings were “unhelpful” and he promised to give President al-Assad a frosty glare the next time he saw him.

New French President Francoise Hollande said the killers' actions “lacked grace and sophistication” while German Chancellor Angela Merkel said that given the choice, she would rather the massacre hadn't happened at all.

Meanwhile, UN special envoy Kofi Annan, who is fitting in work on a peace plan for the region around work on his debut solo album, said a roadmap to lasting peace in Syria would be published as soon as the United Nations headquarters in New York were restocked with laminated paper.

Find out which drain your money was poured down

THE Government's new Tax Calculator – an online tool which shows people what their income tax and National Insurance contributions are spent on – has revealed that 80% of our money has gone on the Government's new Tax Calculator.

The calculator, available through the HMRC website, crashed hours after launching this morning when the proprietors of all Britain's daily newspapers logged on at the same time, to find out whether they were successfully avoiding 100% of their tax obligations, or merely 98%.

While the majority of our cash has been spent on the Tax Calculator itself, the next biggest spending areas are: Health (7%), Education (3%), Defence (2.1%), and Theresa May's hair extensions (1.2%) .

Baron Cohen reveals: "I'm Joey Barton"

PREMIER League thug Joey Barton has today been sensationally unmasked as a Sacha Baron Cohen parody of a scumbag modern footballer.

Mr Baron Cohen told Empire magazine that he dreamt up the idea of a foul-mouthed, psychotic and mediocre soccer ace more than ten years ago.

He said: “I'd always thought that a Premier League footballer would be a rich source of satire, so in 2001 I took up football and started playing twice a week down at my local park.

“It wasn't long before I was good enough to earn a contract with Manchester City, who back then were shite.

“I was always careful not to train too hard, because it was important that I remained absolutely mediocre to protect the essence of the satire – that a person with such limited talent but such a high opinion of himself can earn a vast and entirely undeserved fortune, while behaving like a wild hyena with a Twitter account.”

The result of ten years work is Joey: A Footballer, a feature-length film which Baron Cohen will begin shooting early next year.

People who are easily shocked have been shocked by the revelation.

Alex Borthwick, a spokesman for surprises, said: “This is very surprising.

“It's going to become one of those 'where were you when you heard the news?' moments, like when The Stig from Top Gear was revealed to be Maureen Rees from Driving School back in the 90s.”

Hyperinflate this, motherfucker!

TORY ministers are holding a secret meeting today to agree on David Cameron's killer line for when he fixes the world economy.

Mr Cameron has told close friends and his mirror that he is “this close” to trebling UK growth within the next year and saving the euro.

The Prime Minister and his closest advisers are refusing to release any details about the rescue plan, but rumours are circulating around Westminster that it involves two cups attached by string, some twine, a bottle of white spirit and some sticky back plastic.

Senior Tory figures are so confident of the plan's success, however, that they have moved on to debating what memorable quote Mr Cameron should use to seal the deal.

Foreign Secretary William Hague is understood to prefer “Hyperinflate this, motherfucker!”, while Home Secretary Theresa May is believed to prefer “Shall we go back to eurozone or mine?”

Defence Secretary Philip Hammond, meanwhile, is believed to be on the verge of quitting his post after his suggestion, “Hey Merkel, suck on my austerity measures!”, was ruled out for being inflammatory.